While writing a previous article on the end of love, I thought a great deal about relationships that were lost to "irreconcilable differences," and had a few inspirations.
Couples often feel reassured of their compatibility when they find they have many things in common with their partner. However, the differences between the partners are often far greater than their similarities. And similarities are not a reliable measure of compatibility, as the rate of divorce has indicated.
I like to borrow the concept of diversity from nature's bio-diversity, and diversity in a multi-cultural societies, where differences are treasures to cherish and preserve, as opposed to obstacles to remove. How do we transform differences from unsurmountable obstacles into cherished treasures?
Colonialist and Anthropologist mindsets
What is Colonialism?
Domination of a people or area by a foreign state or nation: the practice of extending and maintaining a nation's political and economic control over another people or area
Throughout history, humanity has generally adopted a colonialist mindset where, as a group of people, we tend to judge other groups according to our own culture, then we endeavour to impose our beliefs and our ways of life on others. We can still remember the colonial empires of the past few centuries: the British colonies spanning every continent, and the Spanish colonies in Latin America and Asia.
We unknowingly bring a similar mindset into our personal relationships where we judge our partner according to our own values, then work to convert them to our way, "for their own good," or "for the sake of the relationship." Frictions and conflicts arise, and compound when both partners are motivated to change the other. This process is often called, "reconciling differences."
What is Anthropology?
The study of human beings and their ancestors through time and space and in relation to physical character, environmental and social relations, and culture
Anthropologists study to understand and to learn from a group of people while respecting their environment, their culture, and their way of life. To bring an anthropologist mindset to a relationship, translates to endeavour, without judgement or interference, to get to know our partner intimately, to understand, and to learn from our partner's way of life, as if they comes from a different civilization.
From Anthropology to Symbiosis
A rite of passage-marriage serves to fulfill each partner's need for a secure emotional bond, and to help each partner to achieve their personal goals in life. Marriage calls for a shift of identity from that of two single individuals dating, to the identity of a couple on a journey to build a life together, and to operate as one entity like the left-side and the right-side of the brain.
Compatibility
What is compatibility?
Capable of existing together in harmony
Couples tend to think they are compatible with their partners when they find a lots of things in common with their partners. The rate of unsuccessful marriages seems to indicate that similarity is not a reliable measure of compatibility. Similarity might lead to competition for the same resources, or to rivalry in common areas. For examples, when both partners are physically attractive, or high achievers, or wealthy, there might be rivalry for popularity, or fame, or power, since there is lack of mutual need for cooperation. Or, for a more concrete example, imagine two chefs in the same kitchen, ... pots and pans might be seen flying.
It seems complementary personalities and skillset are more aligned with compatibility than similarities. Some examples of complementary personalities: introvert & extrovert, masculine & feminine-even same sex couples tend to have one partner plays a masculine role while the other plays a feminine role. For complementary skillsets we might have: your beauty and my brain, my salesmanship and your expert knowledge, leading to cooperation and greater outcomes when "The whole is greater than the sum of its parts." There are more chance of mutual reliance and mutual support, instead of competing with one another. The partners would likely to challenge one another to grow in their individual strength, and to celebrate each other's success.
Where to look for compatibility
The ability to learn and to teach one another would help couples to change and grow together with time.
A sign of compatibility: when partners complement each other's weakness, and support each other's strength
Another sign of compatibility: when similarity increases with time, and incompatibility if similarity decreases. In the early days when the couple just meets, they probably have 20% similarity and 80% difference. On their journey building a life together, the couple would probably arrive at 80% similarity, 20% difference.
Compatibility is not black and white but a spectrum of shades of grey. Compatibility will increase with the learning to know our partner better, and the learning of better skills in the art of loving, then applying these knowledge and skills to the relationship. I wrote down some ideas on loving well in a previous article, "To love well.")
Personality tests are useful tools to learn more about oneself, and about the people we love in their particularities. A better knowledge of ourself and of our partner would contribute handsomely to the quality of the interactions we have with one another, which, in turn, would enhance the compatibility in a couple.
Exploring personality tests
You would have a lot of fun with your partner trying out these popular personality tests:
and see if you would learn something new about yourself and your partner.
As a real world example: the celebrity hedge fund manager Ray Dalio has credited a suite of personality tests to be the corner stone of his management philosophy and financial success. He relied on these tests for recruiting, organizing teams, and matching people with work projects. Now in his retirement, he is working on improving these tests, and showing other organizations how to implement them.
A Word of Caution: personality tests do have limitations as they are accurate to some degrees, and while not full proof, they are still useful tools. When a couple would sit down to review their test results together, it would bring out far better accuracy.
An analogy of an imperfect match
I am a tabletop and you are 2 table legs. We are different and complementary. Our union can almost make a table but we fall short. Therefore we are not compatible since we would not be able to live in harmony together as a standing table. Can we build an alternate symbiotic relationship together? What if we attach the two legs to the corners along one side of the tabletop, then lean the opposite side of the tabletop firmly against the wall, now we have a standing table, a symbiotic relationship, a match. I wish to use this overly simplified scenario to illustrate the open agile and creative mindset that breathes life into a doomed situation, and creates an harmonious outcome that does not call for a compromise which would require either party to change in their own nature. If, by adhering to tradition or a collective standard, we insist on our expectation of a conventional standing table with four legs and a table top, then we deliberately choose a life of conflicts and resentments.
There are many relationships in a couple
Imagine a river flowing between two river banks, and a bridge across the river, connecting the two banks. There are many choices of bridge that can be built to connect the two banks, the best choice changes depending on the environment and the needs of the time. Imagine in this picture that the river represents life, the river banks represent the two partners in a couple, and the bridge across the river-the relationship that connects two strangers, making them a couple.
As a couple, we tend to focus our attention on our partner and overlook the relationship we have with them. If we go back to the beginning and retell our story, we would discover that we have had several different relationships with the same partner. For example, two strangers become acquaintances, then casual dates, friends with benefits, lovers, boyfriend-girlfriend, fiancés, spouses, business partners, parents, .... In each relationship, we play a different role and relate to our partner in a specific fashion according to that role. This is a realization that a couple actually has multiple diverse relationships that come and go as the partners grow and change. And best of all, as a couple, we can freely create a new relationship to replace one that no longer serves us--people naturally change over time and we don't often think that our relationship need to be upgraded to support a new stage in our evolution.
When a relationship no longer meets the needs of the couple, both partners feel unloved and disconnected from each other. As a general rule in human nature:
"The absence of love is fear."
The fears that take hold of their heart cause both partners to feel pain, to hurt one another as a relief for their suffering. One or both partners tend to assume a victim role, and judges their partner as the villain responsible for their pain.
There is generally no villain or victim in a relationship.
It is the relationship itself that is in need of transformation to meet the needs of the couple, not the opposite where the couple have to force themselves to fit into the old relationship that has run through its course.
Giving birth to a new relationship
A new way to relate, a new dance with one another gives birth to a new relationship in a couple while the partners retain their individual self. In her book, "Hold me tight", Sue Johnson of University Ottawa, shows couples a process of 7 specific conversations, in which, she guides couples to disentangle the web of fears underneath their conflicts in order to rejuvenate their emotional closeness, and open their heart to love their partner again. Sue developed her own approach for couple counselling, and have been training other counsellors around the world for three decades. Her process is subtle, down-to-earth, and humanistic, not theoretical or abstract. Sue is eloquent, funny, and straight-to-point, she displays the wisdom of a wise grandma, and the scientific background of a seasoned researcher. She reports an 80% rate of long-lasting successes with couples who went through her "Hold me tight" process.
Find out more about her research in her TED talk:
You will find detailed information and resources on Sue's website
"Keep breaking your heart until it opens"
- Rumi -
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