Better success with dating

Online dating has become a de facto standard venue for meeting potential dates. It succeeds in increasing the access to potential dates by several orders of magnitude compared to the old days of pre-internet time.

What is the success rate in the improvement of singles’ dating life? The results varies by a wide margin between demographics: gender, ethnicity, age, geographical location, individual, skill level in creating an attractive profile.

Independently, the official statistics indicates a global pandemic level of loneliness and the continuously rising number of people living alone in North-America.

It is safe to say online dating has not made an impact on long term relationships. In fact dating apps stand to benefit from the repeated business of their customers who remain single and continue using the app to look for a new date.

How did singles find other singles in the old-fashioned ways fifty or a hundred year ago?

Through church, school, work, family and friends, or from the same community. These venues cover the large majority of long-term relationships in those days.

The advantages of online dating are the convenience from the comfort of your smartphone. And the access to a significant larger population of singles.

The mechanism of dating apps mirrors that of online shopping minus the “product” reviews. Imagine making a purchase decision on Amazon or Airbnb without access to the product reviews-it will be difficult because the product description provides insufficient information. In the same vein, a dating profile provides a narrow summary of a person compared to the experience of meeting them in real life.

Casting a wider net has, however, a disadvantage of looking among a large pool of strangers from every walks of life, who are likely to have different values, lifestyles, or life experiences to be compatible in a long-term relationship.

Conversely, the traditional old-fashioned ways of meeting other singles in real life through church, work, family and friends, or community events, has the advantages of searching in a smaller pool of singles who already share a common ground with ourself and therefore have a better chance to be compatible in a relationship based on the fact that these singles belong to the same community which shares common values, interests, or background as you the seeker.

Here is a new idea to draw the same benefits from the community effect of the old-fashioned traditional venues, a two step approach: first reach out to join several communities that you feel at home as a member: Runners, Writers, Plant-based cooking enthusiasts are some of my communities. To get involved and become active within these communities, and, with time, build connections with its members. In another word, to get involved, to have fun, and to make friends. The next step is to be on the lookout for potential dates among members of these communities. By this time you will be dating acquaintances, or friends who share common interests, lifestyle, and values with you instead of complete strangers.

By now you have a few new ideas to try out and sometime you don’t feel confident or motivated to venture outside of your comfort zone to explore new venues. Dating to find a new relationship could feel like a solitary pursuit for some people. This is where having dating-buddies, a small tight-knitted group of single friends who are also on the same journey like Carrie, Miranda, Charlotte in the TV show: “Sex in the city”, who support, advise, motivate, console one another, would make your quest more fun and less intimidating.

Continuity is a key ingredient for building relationships: a series of regular meetings scheduled at the same time and same place like a class or workshop, provides a stable and familiar environment for build connections with your peers. It is a similar approach to making new friends I detailed out in a previous article: “A timeless method for lasting friendship“

There is a prevalent emphasis on finding the “right one” to build a happy long term relationship in popular culture, which often translates to finding the perfect match who satisfies all your criteria for a potential partner. This mindset eliminates the “Good enough” potential candidates, and often results in no match at all. We all change continually throughout our lives, a perfect match today would likely be a mis-match in the future. A good match is when a couple would change together and become more compatible over time.

I share my thoughts in on compatibility in details in this article.

Dating today is what Honeymoon is an arranged marriage. In today’s marriages, honeymoon has lost its meaning and purpose. Today’s Dating is a process that consists entirely of pleasures and consumptions that supposedly allow couples to get to know each other, to fall in love, and to make a commitment to a long-term relationship or marriage. Honeymoon in arranged marriages is all of the above except the couple has already made a long-term commitment in a marriage beforehand.

Dating for the purpose of making a commitment to a longterm relationship is similar to the recruitment process for a vacant position of a partner to build a life together. When a suitable candidate has accepted the offer for this position, a marriage will usually take place to seal the relationship.

Do you notice the contrast between today’s dating which is based on pleasure and consumption versus a search for a partner to build a life together which is founded on teamwork and creation. It would help to increase the level of confidence for compatibility and good teamwork to undertake some challenging projects together while dating. There are many types of challenges to pick and choose, for examples, training for a marathon, cycling across the country, taking a course to learn a completely new skill, volunteering at a food bank, climbing Kilimanjaro, growing a joint-investment portfolio. Each is an opportunity to learn about each other, and to work as a team. One type of projects, I believe, comes close to the challenges of life in a long-term relationship: to shoulder responsibility together such as to start a side-hustle business, or to organize a fund raising campaign for charity together.

One day Love came across Friendship upon its path and asked:

“What is the purpose of Friendship ?”

Friendship replied:

“To dry the tears you left behind.”

If you have followed all the steps above then chances are you would have run into a few prospective singles you would be very interested to date. And if you are feeling unsure where to begin, I have found some useful tips that would help to get the ball rolling. This process is called H.O.T.A.P.E which is an acronym for six qualities to bring into your interactions with your romantic interests: Humour, Open body gesture, Touch, Attention, Proximity, Eye contact.

I will let Jean Smith expand on these qualities in details in this talk:

I find her advices simple, practical, and wise. They provide clear concrete actions and skills to focus on practicing and to improve. My personal top-of-the-list must-have habit to begin an interaction with everyone is to greet the other person with a genuine smile.

Since we have, at the time of this writing, a new Oracle in town, her name is “ChatGPT”. I asked her for advices on venues to meet singles to form a new relationship - here is her wisdom:

Certainly! Here are some tips for singles to meet potential partners and build a long-term relationship:

1. **Expand Your Social Circles:** Join clubs, classes, or groups related to your interests to meet like-minded people who share your passions.

2. **Online Dating:** Use reputable dating apps and websites to connect with a wider range of potential partners. Take time to create a thoughtful and honest profile.

3. **Attend Events:** Attend social gatherings, parties, and events where you can meet new people in a relaxed setting.

4. **Volunteer:** Engage in community service or volunteer work to meet people who value giving back and have similar values.

5. **Take Up Hobbies:** Pursue activities that interest you and allow you to meet others with similar hobbies.

6. **Mutual Friends:** Leverage your existing social network to meet friends of friends who might share your relationship goals.

7. **Travel or Adventure Groups:** Join travel or adventure groups to meet individuals who are open to new experiences and share a sense of adventure.

8. **Networking:** Attend professional networking events to meet people who align with your career ambitions and lifestyle.

9. **Fitness Classes:** Participate in fitness classes or sports groups to meet health-conscious individuals who value an active lifestyle.

10. **Be Open and Approachable:** Smile, maintain eye contact, and engage in friendly conversations to make yourself approachable to potential partners.

Remember, building a long-term relationship takes time and effort. Focus on getting to know the person, communicating effectively, and nurturing the connection.