Staying in Our Own Business

The other day, my daughter was telling me a story about how someone she knows is being parented, and I started to spin out. I got very judgy and was yelling about the decisions being made by this other mom. I even started catastrophizing that this kid is going to end up in a bad place as a result. (I’m purposedly going to remain very vague here to not make it obvious who and what I’m talking about. Plus, the point of mentioning this situation is the lesson I want to share.)

As my daughter got out of the car while I was ranting and raving about this other mom’s parenting approach, she turned to me and said some very wise words, “Let it go.”

I drove off and realized I forgot to apply what I’ve learned the past few years. This is not my business.

Once I reminded myself of this crucial detail, I felt calmer and accepted that what this other family does and how that boy turns out is not my business and not in my control.

This idea of sticking to our own business is a concept I learned about while listening to Brooke Castillo’s The Life Coach School Podcast (episode 10), where she dives into the teachings of speaker and author Byron Katie. In Katie’s philosophy, there are only three kinds of business that we deal with on a daily basis:

• My Business

• Other People’s Business

• The Universe’s Business

It’s a perspective that completely shifted how I view my interactions with others and the world around me. By applying this outlook when people or events trigger me, I’m able to dial down my stress, frustration, anger, disappointment, and other negative emotions.

Understanding the difference between these three types of business is often the quickest path from chaos to calm.

This is the only place where we have any real agency. My business includes my thoughts, my actions, my words, and how I treat myself. If I’m worried about my own integrity, how hard I work, or how I’m showing up in my life, I’m in my business.

This is what other people do, think, and say. It’s how they choose to live their own lives.

The moment we have thoughts and emotions triggered by those thoughts about other people’s behaviors and choices means we are in other people’s business trying to control their lives.

Castillo warns that if we actually take a step back and observe our thoughts, we’ll find that about 50 percent of the time we’re in other people’s business trying to run their life, fix their life, or control their life. “A lot of times we’re in other people’s business telling them how they should live, what they should do, how they should run their lives, how they should speak to us, what job they should have, how hard they should work, how they should behave,” Castillo stated on episode 10 of her podcast.

This category covers everything out of human control, such as the weather; the past; aging, illness, and other physical realities of the body; when people are born and when they die; freak accidents; widespread global and social trends like the economy, shifts in culture, or international conflicts; and the inevitable flow of reality.

If you are stressed because it’s raining or the global economy is on a downturn, you are in the universe’s business. Since you can’t win a fight against reality, you will lose 100 percent of the time—and it will always make you suffer in one way or another.

Most of our stress comes from mentally living out of our own business. We think that if we can just get others to change, or the universe to act differently, we will finally be at peace. But Katie teaches us—and the Stoics agree—that to think we know what is best for anyone else is pure arrogance. Even when we do it “in the name of love,” it results in tension and fear.

Unless someone is specifically asking for our input, advice, or opinion, it’s best to keep our judgments to ourselves. This has a double benefit: keeping us less stressed by staying focused on what we can actually control in our own lives and not pissing off others by telling them what to do when they didn’t ask us.

I know, this is easier said than done. But it’s worth striving for. We can try to catch ourselves when we are sliding into other people’s business like I experienced last week judging another mom’s choices in how she is raising her child.

Plus, we have a hard enough time managing our own lives, so if we are over there in someone else’s business trying to live their life, we abandon ourselves. Maybe we are avoiding our own issues by trying to focus on and judge others. It’s worth exploring.

So not only do we have most of our power within our own business, but being in other people’s business is what causes us stress because we don’t have any real control there.

Most of our stress comes from mentally living out of our own business.

Katie’s teachings about business are based on ancient wisdom, mirroring the Stoic dichotomy of control. Epictetus, one of the great Stoic philosophers, taught that some things are up to us and some things are not. Our opinions, intentions, and desires? Up to us. The actions of others, our reputation, or the weather? Not up to us.

Stoicism teaches that if we try to control what is not up to us, we will be frustrated, miserable, and try to blame everyone else for any challenges we face. But if we focus only on what is truly in our control, we will be happier and calmer.

Moreover, when we find ourselves stressed about externals like health, death, natural events, and the past and future, we are essentially demanding that the universe change its laws to suit our personal preferences. Katie suggests that when we stop doing this, we find more energy because we are no longer wasting it on concerns that are 100 percent out of our hands.

This really works. I haven’t gotten revved up about that other mom’s choices since I reframed my thinking and acknowledged that what she does is not within my business.

Here are some practices to help all of us stay in our own business:

The next time you feel a spike of anxiety or anger, stop and ask yourself: “Mentally, whose business am I in?”

• If you’re judging a friend’s choices: You’re in their business.

• If you’re frustrated by a delayed flight: You’re in the universe’s business.

• If you’re noticing your own physical reaction to that frustration: Now, you’re back in your business.

In the podcast episode I listened to, Castillo explains how Katie uses “turnarounds” to see the opposite of a painful thought. For example, if you have the thought, “My friend should be more supportive,” you are in their business.

• Turn it around to yourself: “I should be more supportive of myself.”

• The Shift: This brings the power back to you and you stop waiting for other people to change so that you can feel better.

The Stoics used the image of an archer to explain the difference between effort and outcome.

• Your Business: Choosing the best bow, pulling back the arrow to the best of our ability, and aiming with total focus.

• The Universe’s Business: At the moment the arrow leaves the string, there could be a gust of wind that results in you missing the target.

• The Practice: Tell yourself, “My job is to aim well; the hit is up to the universe.” This detaches your self-worth from the result.

If you find yourself stuck on a problem, grab a piece of paper and draw three columns. Then answer these questions in each column:

1. What is the situation that is causing me emotional distress?

2. What is actually in my business and control with regard to this situation?

3. What is part of other people’s business or the universe’s businesses in this situation that I don’t have control over?

Katie suggests noticing how often we give uninvited advice, either out loud or in our heads. Before you offer a suggestion to someone else, ask: “Did they ask for my help? Am I taking this advice in my own life?” If the answer is no, you are likely mentally meddling. Stepping back allows you to respect their path and frees up your energy to focus on what’s in your business.

When you are in someone else’s business, you are more focused outwardly and neglecting your own life. If you feel lonely or disconnected, notice if you are mentally “over there” judging someone else. The remedy is to come back into your body. Feel your feet on the floor, notice your breath, and attend to the task right in front of you.

Although challenging, it truly is beneficial to try and stay focused on our own business, which is the only space where we really have control. Not only is it more peaceful there, but it’s also an empowering place to be.