This is Exactly How I Want Women to Use My Book ⬇️🔥

Note to readers: I’ve never done this before, but I’m about to turn a Facebook group member’s post into a Substack article. Here’s why: What she’s doing is, in a literary sense, a “comparative analysis.”

Here’s a quick IG video explaining the value of comparative analyses, but in simple terms it means to analyze one text within the context of another (or multiple others).

In the case of the post below, this community member is analyzing one “text”—this man’s manipulative words and physical aggressions (which I’m considering part of the “text,” as it’s an instantiation of embodied rhetoric [and also technically sexual assault])—within the context of Burn the Haystack. And she’s doing it brilliantly.

This is how the best comparative analyses are written; they use one text (my book in this case) to explicate another (this man’s words and actions) in a way that sheds new light/offers a different perspective on the new text being analyzed (e.g. it’s not actually just “boys being boys”; it’s extreme toxicity that signals danger on the horizon).

This woman’s ability to perform such an insightful analysis saved her, and she is in turn sharing it to save other women. What I just described is the best possible outcome of my book and this community. After the divider line I’m about to paste in, all words are hers, not mine:

Hello to all my fellow haystack burners!

I’d like to share how BHDM helped me torch a loser who would’ve caused me a lot of pain, in the hopes that this might help others, as well. [Trigger warning: aggressive sexual behavior].

I met “Tim” (not his real name) years ago through a shared interest. He seemed to be a kind and interesting person. He recently asked me out for dinner, and I agreed.

On this first date, he bluntly told me I don’t have the qualities necessary for success in my career field (leadership). He also criticized women generally, stating we always expect men to serve us.

Not yet having read Dr. Young’s book, I explained these away to myself as the result of some “trauma” in his past. ‘Poor guy,’ I thought. ‘I’ll show him what real kindness is, and in return he’ll become the gentle person I know he is, deep down.’

At the end of this date, he invited me to his house to meet his “kitties.” I agreed, because I’d known him for years and thought he was a trustworthy friend.

“Let’s cuddle on the couch,” he said once I arrived. Instead, he quickly and aggressively groped me. I winced and moved his hand away. ‘Well, boys will be boys,’ I thought to myself, rattled.

He invited me to return to his house the following weekend to have coffee and watch his “kitties” play outside. I hesitantly agreed.

When I arrived, he again invited me to “cuddle” on his couch. Again, he quickly groped me, violating the boundary I’d previously set.

I once more explained this away. ‘Men will always try to get as much as they can,’ I told myself soothingly.

A few days later, he texted that he’d like me to become his TV “buddy.” He said he’d send me a list of his favorite shows, and arrange an evening for me to come to his house. I felt apprehensive, but agreed.

Reading news sites that evening, I came across an article about Dr. Young’s book in “The Guardian.” I was fascinated. I immediately ordered it, and voraciously inhaled it as soon as it arrived. ‘Holy moly,’ I thought. ‘This is exactly what I need.’

I applied Dr. Young’s teachings to my interactions with Tim. I was astounded by what I could now clearly see:

1. He tried to undermine my confidence in my career, and denigrated women in general, to destroy my self-confidence and make me more pliable, vulnerable, and likely to accept bad treatment.

2. He manipulatively used terms evoking childhood and comfort (”kitty,” “cuddle,” “buddy”) to make me drop my guard and confusedly accept what he really intended (casual, abusive sex).

3. He aggressively and repeatedly violated my physical boundaries to weaken my defenses, making me more prone to accept future mistreatment.

As promised, he later texted me a list of his favorite TV shows. He asked if I was free the next evening, or another evening that week, for “TV buddy” time at his house.

When I didn’t immediately reply, he texted again: “You can also say if you’re not interested, and if you are, Thursday is ideal.”

‘Wow, two directives in one sentence,’ I thought. ‘Astonishingly toxic.’

Armed with the new knowledge, I calmly replied, “Yeah no, this isn’t going to happen. Have a nice life.” I then immediately blocked him.

In the past, I might’ve explained to him, patiently and in detail, exactly how and why his behavior made me stop wanting to see him.

But now I’ve read “Burn the Haystack”? No frickin’ way. Why would I train him how to more-successfully exploit the next woman unlucky enough to cross his path?

Thanks to BHDM, I torched a real loser who would’ve hurt me badly, after only two dates, and before he did any lasting damage to me.

My goal now is to ditch the next dud after only one date. With practice, I hope to thin-slice my first interaction with any clunkers, and torch them right then and there.

I also vowed to never again visit a man’s house (or get in his car, or go hiking with him, or be alone with him in any way) until I’m completely certain he’s entirely harmless to me. We cannot play it too safe with them.

So a *gigantic* thank you to Dr. Young, and a very happy haystack burning to you all!

“The mind is not a vessel to be filled but a fire to be kindled.” - Plutarch