Boys Need Fathers. AND Moms.

Maybe Father’s Day weekend is not the best time get prickly about a focus on fathers.

But whether he intended it not (& I’m pretty sure he didn’t), the first sentence of Richard V. Reeves’ latest Substack post — “I’ve come to believe that if there is a one-word solution to the challenges of boys and men it is this: fatherhood.” — completely ignores the presence (& importance of) moms in boys’ lives.

I’ve said it before (most recently in Where Are the Boy Moms?) & I’m afraid I’ll have to say it again: There’s a massive disconnect between those talking about boys and those raising boys. There are a lot of people (mostly men) talking about boy’s problems and how to address them and there are very few moms of boys (with Ruth Whippman being a notable exception!) involved in or invited to those discussions.

Moms of boys are simultaneously expected to solve the problems of the world — especially those caused or perpetuated by boys and men — and yet we are not an important part of the solution?

In reality, of course, both moms and dads are essential to the well-being on our children and societies.

I know my kids are better off because both of their parents - mom and dad — remained involved and active in their lives after we divorced. That’s why I support shared parenting. It’s why we recorded so many ON BOYS podcast episodes about the importance of dads.

It’s why I believe it’s important to involve our boys in caretaking. When we build boys, we are building tomorrow’s fathers also.

The question isn’t whether boys need fathers.

Of course they do.

The better question is why conversations about helping boys so often become conversations about fathers instead of conversations about parents, families, and communities.

If we’re serious about helping boys thrive, we need to stop treating the people who are raising them as an afterthought. We need to start listening to mothers—not because mothers have all the answers, but because we are part of the answer.

Building boys has never been about choosing mothers over fathers or fathers over mothers.

It’s about recognizing that raising good men is a shared responsibility—and valuing everyone who shows up to do that work.

Here’s to building boys!

Jen

Parents Invest Differently in Daughters & in Sons, Study Finds

Highlights:

• “Daughters received more investment than sons in mating and relationship guidance, protection, and material provisioning.”

• “Sons received more investment than daughters in athletics and physical training, competitive encouragement, and sexual permissiveness.”

• “Daughters received more protection than sons.”

• “Mothers showed a stronger daughter-focused pattern in mating and relationship guidance”

• “Fathers showed stronger son-focused patterns in athletics and physical training, and mechanical and practical skills.”

Lifting Barriers: Boys’ Disengagement From Education: Volume 1, Scoping Study

Highlights:

• “Gender gaps that disadvantage boys, such as lower rates of completion of a full cycle of education in some contexts, have not always been adequately addressed in policy or practice.”

• “A review of national educational policies in 19 countries where boys have lower enrolment or completion rates found that only four of them – Bangladesh, the Gambia, Jamaica and New Zealand – include strategies specifically targeting boys”

• “Research in the United States of America indicates that boys, especially those from racial minority backgrounds, are disproportionately channelled from schools into more punitive educational environments, further disconnecting them from mainstream schooling and putting them at risk of delinquency and crime”

• “A United Kingdom researcher who works with working-class boys argued that the focus should shift from framing these boys as ‘failing’ to acknowledging that the educational system itself is failing boys”

• “Programmes should not frame boys as ‘problems to be fixed’; instead a strengths-based approach...should be adopted.”

Boys Want to Challenge Harmful Ideas About Manhood — Working With Them, Not Lecturing Them, is Key

Highlights:

• “Too often sex education misses the deeper opportunity to examine the messages about male-female relationships young men absorb – be tough, don’t show emotion, pursue sex as conquest.”

• “Asking boys ‘what would you do?’ goes further than reciting facts or lecturing boys about risk.”

• “Boys who learn the value and the skills of sharing responsibility for safe and healthy relationships don’t just benefit themselves, they benefit the girls and women in their lives too.”

Becoming an Approachable Parent

Highlights:

• “The issue is rarely whether you know what to say. The issue is whether your teen believes they can talk to you at all.”

• “We must learn to tolerate uncertainty. To resist turning every interaction into a teachable moment. To sit through opinions we dislike.”

Mass. Schools Doubling Down on Education to Protect Boys From Gambling Problems

Highlights:

• “Kids from the ages of 11 or 12 are not only seeing the ads, they’re absolutely being directly targeted in terms of gambling.”

• “If I’m low on money, I try to make a small bet, like $5, and earn back $20,” said Ortiz, an 11th grader who places bets about once a month.

• “This is a public health concern — not in the sense that it affects every boy, but for those kids who engage more deeply, the consequences can be serious”

If You Question Whether You’re Getting it Right with Your Son, Read This

Highlights:

• “We’ve spent a lot of time telling boys what not to…But you can’t build a young man on a list of don’ts. Boys need something to run toward, not just things to run away from.”

• “Every time we tell a boy that masculinity is toxic, he questions his value. Every time we tell a girl that masculinity is toxic, she becomes more hateful of boys.”