Why do we continue to expect [mothers] to bear, almost single-handedly, the weight of problems that concern society as a whole? — Amani Braa
I know many of you feel that weight. That’s one of the reasons being a mom of a boys feels so hard, so important, so challenging. We know our societies have been hurt by violent men, racist men, sexist men, selfish men, & even good guys who don’t speak up in the face of atrocious acts. We want to do better. We want to raise good men who will not contribute to (nor support) harm.
As I stated in the intro my book, Building Boys:
You don’t want to raise a sexual predator or a mass shooter. You do not want to raise a man who takes advantage of others, unleashes his anger and frustration onto innocent victims, or is so enamored with his own talent, success, or perceived “rightful place” in society that he doesn’t even realize or admit that his behavior is problematic.
We are trying, via our parenting, to right the wrongs of our world, while somehow raising joyous sons. And enjoying the process ourselves?
No wonder we’re tired and overwhelmed. No wonder we so often worry & feel like we’re failing.
I wish I could tell you that the pressure you’re feeling — to raise a good guy who won’t contribute to further wrongs — is all imagined. But it’s not. It is all too real. As sociologist Amani Braa pointed out in a recent Conversation article, “Whenever a young person is involved in an act of radicalization, especially an extreme one, society wants answers: Where was the family? What did they see, or refuse to see? But in reality, it is not so much the family that is in the firing line. It is the mother.”
Braa was specifically writing about Muslim mothers and the pressure heaped on them to somehow both detect signs of radicalization and intervene in order to prevent an extreme act. But I think that same framing applies to moms of boys in the United States and elsewhere as well. We’re supposed to detect signs of radicalization (by “the manosphere,” by online influencers, by looksmaxxers, by misogynists & anyone else) and then we are supposed to intervene & prevent harm. While the entire economic ecosystem continues to serve damaging content to our sons — and profits while doing so.
We’re being asked to do too much, with too little support.
Don’t get me wrong: I definitely think moms (AND DADS!) should be alert for signs of trouble. I definitely think moms and dads have a responsibility to instill values and ethics in their children. I also think that moms, dads, and other caring adults can make a tremendous difference in the life of a child simply by consistently showing up for him.
I don’t think we should expect moms to singlehandedly resolve radicalization or hate or gun violence. Not without additional societal support and legislation.
Maybe the first step is simply naming what’s happening.
We are carrying an enormous amount of responsibility for outcomes that are influenced by families, schools, communities, corporations, social media platforms, public policy, and culture itself. Yet when something goes wrong, the spotlight often swings back to mothers.
That’s a heavy load to carry alone.
Which is why I don’t think the answer is for moms to try harder. I think the answer is for us to stop carrying this work in isolation.
We need spaces where we can talk honestly about the pressures we’re under. Spaces where we can share what’s working, admit what’s not, learn from one another, and remind each other that raising good men is important work—but it was never meant to be a solo mission.
That’s part of why I created my Boy Mom Circle. (Our next gathering is tomorrow evening!) Not because I have all the answers, but because I know none of us should have to carry these questions and concerns by ourselves. And because I know there’s power in numbers.
Together, we can share the weight and advocate for change.
Here’s to building boys! Jen
“She Should Have Seen It Coming”: How Radicalization Policies Put the Burden on Muslim Mothers
Highlights:
“Social, political and security responsibilities are gradually being shifted onto mothers.”
“Mothers are frequently held up to demanding norms that cast them as being responsible for their children’s behaviour, upbringing, morality and future.”
“An idealized image of motherhood gradually transforms into an almost impossible demand: to be capable of anticipating, understanding and preventing social, political and security issues that go far beyond the family sphere.”
Beyond Risk: Building Positive Childhood Experiences for Boys & Young Men
Highlights:
“More mental health providers alone are not the answer. Young men need many different kinds of support, not just clinical support.”
“When young people have a trusted adult in their corner, things appear more manageable and hopeful.”
“Progress tends to look less like one big policy change and more like many small, steady investments in the adults who show up for young people every day.”
Let’s Hear it From the Boys: Public Health Has a Male Blind Spot
Highlights:
“The HPV vaccine prevents cancers affecting both sexes, including the oropharyngeal cancers that disproportionately affect men, and yet the messaging around it has, for two decades, been overwhelmingly oriented toward girls and the people raising them.”
“The health education of a 22-year-old man in 2026 does not come from his pediatrician. It comes from Joe Rogan…It comes from Andrew Huberman…It comes from a constellation of carnivore-diet evangelists, peptide stackers, biohackers, and testosterone optimizers”
“The boys are listening, all the time, to whoever is willing to talk to them in language that respects how they think about their bodies.”
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