Boys Care More Than We Think

How do we get our boys to care?

About others? About the world at large? About anyone other than himself?

In a world in which so many people — and especially, so many powerful men — don’t seem to care about anything outside of their own well-being?

So many of us are asking ourselves that question. Our curiosity & concern is grounded in our deep desire to raise good men.

But I’m starting to think we’re asking the wrong question. Because although our boys and young men do a pretty good job of presenting a facade of nonchalance, the evidence suggests that our boys care a lot.

According to the 2026 American Teenagers Survey,

• “The only life goal that teen boys express greater certainty about is having children. Close to half (47 percent) of teen boys say they are very or extremely likely to have children at some point in their life, compared with 38 percent of teen girls.”

• “Fifty-three percent of teen boys—including 58 percent of older teen boys—say getting married and having children are an essential part of having a successful life”

Most teenage boys — the stereotypically most apathetic, most self-centered group of humans on the planet— want to get married and have kids. Most teen boys envision a shared future with a spouse and kids. See married partnership and parenthood are important to a life well-lived.

That’s not at all the picture most people have of teenage boys. Many people still think of teenage boys as sex-crazed creatures who are out to add as many notches as possible to their proverbial bedpost. Or as stoned gamers who spend hour after hour in the basement, playing video games.

Most people do not look at a teenage boy and see a human who craves long-term connection with a partner and hopes to someday be a dad.

And because of that — because of our stereotypical expectations — most parents, schools, and communities still aren’t doing a great job preparing boys for marriage and parenthood. Instead, we based our “sex ed” on our fears & misconceptions. So, we teach boys (& girls) how to prevent pregnancy and avoid disease (at least in some states and homes). We tell them to “wait until marriage” and talk about the importance of consent, but we don’t acknowledge their deep desire for an intimate relationship. We don’t build their relationship skills. We don’t help them develop their communication or conflict resolution skills. We don’t talk about interdependence and how to give and receive care.

Instead, we collectively ignore boys’ deep desire to care & be cared for. We immerse them in a culture that abhors dependence and exults independence. We let ‘em figure things out for themselves in a world that routinely punishes shows of male emotion — and then, we ask ourselves why boys don’t care.

Perhaps the questions we should be asking are:

Why don’t we care about boys?

and

How can we support and encourage boys’ desire to care?

The answer doesn’t begin with lecturing boys about empathy or telling them they need to care more.

It begins with noticing the care that’s already there.

Notice when your son checks on a friend, comforts the dog, worries about his brother or wants to help someone solve a problem. Notice the loyalty beneath his anger and the tenderness he may disguise with a joke or shrug. Don’t assume that an awkward response means an absence of feeling. Boys often care more deeply than they know how to express.

Then help him build the skills he’ll need to act on that care.

Invite him into the work of family life—not just the chores, but the caregiving. Let him soothe a crying child, cook for someone who’s sick, check in on a grandparent and repair a relationship after an argument. Talk with him about friendship, loneliness, love and what it means to be a good partner. Teach him that asking for help isn’t weakness and that caring for others doesn’t require him to erase his own needs.

If our boys want marriage, children and close relationships—and the evidence suggests that many of them do—then we owe them more than warnings about sex and consent. We owe them honest conversations about how to create and sustain the connections they crave.

Our job isn’t to convince boys to care. It’s to recognize that they already do—and help them become men who know what to do with that care.

Here’s to building boys!

Jen

A Digital Divide in American Adolescence: Gender, Class, & the New Teenage Experience

Highlights:

• “A majority (55 percent) of teen boys say that girls at their school receive more encouragement and support than boys do. Only 37 percent of teen girls agree with this assessment.”

• “Nearly three in 10 (28 percent) teen boys raised by parents without college degrees say they spend an average of four or more hours a day playing video games. Among teen boys with college-educated parents, only 19 percent play video games this often.”

• “Forty-one percent of older teen boys say they have used an AI chatbot for personal advice at some point. Less than one-third of…younger teen boys (30 percent) have used AI for advice.”

• “Sixty percent of teen girls say they are planning on attending a four-year college or university after finishing high school, while only 36 percent of teen boys say the same”

• “Teen boys also express a good deal more uncertainty about their future than teen girls do; nearly a quarter (23 percent) of boys report not knowing what they want to do after graduation, compared with only 14 percent of girls.”

• “The only life goal that teen boys express greater certainty about is having children. Close to half (47 percent) of teen boys say they are very or extremely likely to have children at some point in their life, compared with 38 percent of teen girls.”

• “Teen boys are somewhat more likely than teen girls to believe marriage and parenthood are critical components of a good life. Fifty-three percent of teen boys—including 58 percent of older teen boys—say getting married and having children are an essential part of having a successful life”

Beyond “Toxic Masculinity”: Building a Culture of Care

Highlights:

• “If there is one place we believe a more expansive vision of manhood must begin, it is with care. Not because care is the whole of masculinity - there is a reason we speak of masculinities, plural, rather than masculinity, singular - but because the skills, relationships, and values that make care possible are among the most durable foundations for navigating the world today.”

• “The conversation around male care is bustling right now, especially so around fatherhood… the data are affirming that fathers today are spending significantly more time with their children than the generations before them.”

• “We must leverage this moment, responding vigorously and affirmatively that care is the driving force for what boys and young men today should aspire to embody - in their relationships, in their communities, and, for those who become parents, in fatherhood.”

This 1 Big Concern About Raising Boys Didn’t Really Exist 30 Years Ago

Highlights:

• “The words ‘incels,’ ‘alpha’ and ‘manosphere’ never crossed Abby Eckel’s mind when she was pregnant with her two sons. Now that the boys are 8 and 10 ― on the cusp of their teenage years ― keeping them away from the manosphere is sometimes all she and her husband can think about.”

• “Countering all of these outside influences is ‘exhausting on a scale that I was never prepared for in raising sons,’ Eckel said.”

• “Payal Desai’s sons are even younger ― 5 and 9 years old ― but she’s already worried about one of them stumbling down the pipeline of misogyny or equally dark views through TikTok, YouTube shorts or a seemingly innocuous gaming chat.”