One (BIG) reason moms of boys are so exhausted: You’re trying to solve 18,000 problems at one time.
You know boys do worse in school, that they’re increasingly disciplined instead of supported, and you know that boys’ literacy, college enrollment, and workforce participation rates are declining. You know male suicide (and substance use) rates and way higher than females,’ and that boys & men tend to die sooner than girls and women.
You know gambling apps, wellness influencers, manosphere grifters, and sextortionists are reaching out for your boys through social media and video games and so you’re:
Preparing him for school
Making sure he does chores. And his homework
Reinforcing the importance of reading and writing
Talking about respect and consent and digital literacy
Monitoring his mental health
Teaching him about emotional intelligence
Building his conversation and conflict resolution skills
Etc., etc., etc.
It’s A LOT!
It’s too much. And yet, everywhere you turn, there’s another headline and another problem you should worry about. Or something else you need to do to ensure that your son grows up to be a decent human.
On top of, you know, taking care of yourself, your other children (if you have them), and your job.
A lot’s already been written (& said) about how we’ve overcomplicated parenting by raising the bar to darn near extraordinary levels. I mean, not that long ago, simply housing and feeding your child meant you were doing a pretty good job. Now, we’re helping our kids "choose” extracurriculars and summer excursions that will help them get into a good college?
Beyond the increased expectations, though, I think lays another problem: The assumption that each issue needs a separate solution.
And then, the atomizing of advice.
A parent who’s worried about the hours her son spends gaming each day gets conflicting advice about managing screen time as well as advice about nutrition and activity. And if she’s also concerned about her son’s apparent inability to bring home or complete his homework — well, then she’ll probably find a lot of stuff about executive function and ADHD and organizing systems, as well as some info arguing that homework is stupid and pointless while someone else argues homework build good habits and boys need good habits (or else they’ll become losers).
Some of the advice is good & even helpful. Learning about ADHD can be really empowering and eye-opening for families.) A practical organizing system might genuinely make life easier. Sometimes, a specific problem does require specific information, support, or treatment.
But we can’t research and implement an individualized intervention for every possible problem our boys might encounter.
We don’t have the time. We don’t have the energy.
And, thankfully, we don’t have to.
I should probably tell you: I’ve always been suspicious of all-in-one products and one-size-fits-all solutions.
If something claims to clean windows, floors, cabinets, carpet stains, and diaper pails, I’m skeptical. If it’s good for this, can it really be good for all of that, too?
I’m even more skeptical of parenting advice that promises to solve every problem. Children are different. Families are different. Circumstances are different. There is no one “correct” way to manage homework, screen time, chores, school struggles, or any of the other issues parents encounter.
But as I’ve parented four boys—and spent years talking with parents, educators, and experts—I’ve noticed a common denominator.
There may not be one parenting approach that works for every child and every problem. But there is one foundation that helps us handle nearly all of them:
Healthy relationships and family support.
Recently, I was reading an article about why some boys get pulled into unhealthy online spaces and ideas—antisemitism, hate, misogyny—and others don’t.
One sentence jumped out at me:
“Healthy relationships & family support are protective factors.”
Of course they are, I thought.
And not only against online hate.
Healthy relationships and family support are protective factors against just about every big thing we worry about: mental-health struggles, substance misuse, dangerous risk-taking, exploitation, isolation, and more.
Healthy relationships and family support are protective factors against just about every big thing we worry about
They don’t guarantee that your son will never struggle. They won’t prevent every bad decision, painful experience, or frightening season.
But they give him somewhere to turn when he does.
A boy who feels known, loved, and supported has a place to bring his questions and confusion. He has people who can help him make sense of what he’s seeing and experiencing. He has somewhere to go when he screws up, gets scared, feels ashamed, or realizes he may be in over his head.
And when a boy knows that he matters to other people—and that other people matter to him—that sense of connection shapes his choices.
This is the part I don’t want you to miss:
Building a healthy relationship with your son is not one more task to add to your already impossible parenting list.
It’s the Focus on This, Not That.
Focus on building and sustaining healthy relationships — with your partner (if you have one), with your friends, with family (if that’s safe for you), with your son. Pour your time and energy into relationships, connection, and support, instead of into detailed parenting interventions that may or may not have your specific son.
Know your son.
Enjoy him.
Listen to him.
Let him know you’re glad he’s here.
Help him build relationships with other people who see, value, and support him.
Create a family culture in which people can ask uncomfortable questions, admit mistakes, disagree, and still belong.
You’ll still encounter problems. Healthy relationships and family support aren’t a magical cure-all for every problem boys face.
But they may be the closest thing we have to an all-in-one solution.
Here’s to building boys!
Jen
Highlights:
“It can be nearly impossible to distinguish between who is posting ‘edgy’ memes for laughs or clicks, versus those who are pushing content for malicious reasons, including radicalization, but also financial incentives.”
“Through discussions facilitated by Next Gen Men, gaming, and interacting with people from the same groups he demonized, Aiden said, he began to recognize his prejudices and rejected them.”
“Childhood trauma, isolation and ‘looking for belonging’ are risk factors for youth adopting extremist beliefs. Healthy relationships and family support are protective factors.”
Sports Betting Education Must Go Beyond Math
Highlights:
“Many young people — and especially boys — now learn about probability through gambling before they study it in a classroom.”
“Many of the students most interested in sports betting were also the strongest math students… The archetypical high school math whiz may be more exposed to — not protected from — harms from gambling.”
“Gambling literacy should complement age enforcement, advertising restrictions, safer product design, and limits on practices that encourage compulsive use.”
Boys Are Learning Who They Can Be in Games. What Are We Teaching Them?
Highlights:
Games are “social systems where boys build relationships, explore identity, compete for recognition, and learn which behaviors earn acceptance or status.”
“Boys should be involved in shaping the systems intended to support them.”
The Taliban Has Taken a Terrible Toll on the Education of Girls — & Boys as Well
Highlights:
“Boys are still allowed to attend school, but many say the education being offered inside the classroom has changed so sharply that it no longer prepares them for the future”
“English, science and biology received less attention… Religious instruction was no longer confined to Islamic studies. Teachers of science, mathematics and English were expected to include… religious messages in their lessons.”
“Boys are also learning from a society in which girls vanish from classrooms after sixth grade and women are increasingly pushed out of public life.”
I recently talked to Laurie Ann of the MOOBment (Mothers of Only Boys) about what boys need to thrive:
Raising Boys: What Boys Need to Thrive with Jennifer L.W. Fink
and with Shaun Dawson of Raising Men about why parenting boys is harder than ever:
Why Parenting Boys is Harder Than Ever with Jennifer L.W. Fink
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