From the Ashes of Defeat

For pride month, I will be sharing essays with stories and experiences from some of my queer friends! The first one is from Dr. Lana van Essen, a former evangelical worship leader who is now the Executive Director of Operations for Transmission Ministry Collective, a community dedicated to trans flourishing.

Follow her here.

Six years ago, deep in COVID times, I was a worship pastor at a large church in the Pacific Northwest. Back then, one of my greatest joys was introducing my congregation to songs that had already brought me to my knees. Music was, and is, so connected to me as a person and combining both worship and music feels truly divine.

One of the songs that I introduced back then was “Resurrecting” by Elevation Worship. The simplicity of the song and the words always felt so powerful to me. I just remember always getting goosebumps when the whole room finally understood what they were singing. It was such a beautiful experience.

Before I moved to the Pacific Northwest, I had been prayed over for months at my church in Virginia. My family and I were certain that I was meant to be that pastor. I had been in church ministry for years as a worship leader before that call so it both felt like the next logical step and genuinely a call from God.

Unfortunately, I stepped down from my position in 2021 and we moved once again across the country, to Richmond, Virginia. Just a few months later, I came out as a transgender woman. While my departure and my transition weren’t related, it came as a surprise to my former congregation and I could see conclusions being made that I couldn’t do anything about. Not only did my coming out serve to firmly close the door to my old congregation, almost all congregations that were looking for a pastor were no longer available to me.

During that time I often asked, “What do you want from me God?” I thought I was heeding God’s call and here I was, confused, abandoned, and slightly salty. While I didn’t stop believing in God, I stopped knowing where I fit in. I just felt like I was caught between a closed door and a calling, and I carried that grief quietly for a long time.

A few years later, I was hired as a Director of Administration at The Table Church in Washington, D.C. and every now and then, they asked me to lead worship. While I didn’t quite know what to do with my voice anymore, it did feel like a little homecoming for me.

One Sunday, I decided to sing “Resurrecting.”

If you’re not familiar with The Table Church, it is a radically affirming church. To say that a congregation like that carries some complicated feelings about Elevation Worship would be understating it considerably. But I felt compelled to sing the song anyway.

“By Your spirit I will rise, from the ashes of defeat, the resurrected King, is resurrecting me.

In Your name I come alive, to declare Your victory, the resurrected King, is resurrecting me.”

Those words hit hard before I came out. But standing in front of a room full of queer Christians, they landed fully for the first time. I had lived in the ashes of defeat. I had felt what it is to be undone by an institution that claims to speak for God. And now I was rising, not in spite of my trans identity but through it, in the name of Jesus, with queer people on every side of me singing the same words.

I felt allowed, for the first time in years, to claim both at once: to be trans and to declare God’s victory, to be exactly who I am and mean every word of it. That is what resurrection actually is, not a borrowed metaphor for the occasion but a real, embodied experience, felt in a room full of people who had also come through the ashes.

Queer people of faith are not guests at the table of God’s kingdom. We are not the diversity hire, not the test case, not the exception that proves the rule. We are part of a long lineage of people who held their faith in one hand and their full humanity in the other, and refused to drop either.

I carry multiple identities at once: trans, queer, ASD, Indo (Indonesian and Dutch), Jewish, and Christian. Each of those identities has its own history of survival and its own experience of the closed door. When I say that overlapping systems of power affect us differently, I am speaking from every layer of what I am. And what I have found is that the more layers you carry, the more urgently you understand that liberation for one is only liberation if it holds for all. This is never more true than in the Christian church. And it is never more true than now.

- Lana

Dr. Lana van Essen serves as the Executive Director of Operations for Transmission Ministry Collective, a community dedicated to cultivating the full spectrum of trans flourishing. In their support groups, online community, church education programs, and mutual aid network, they are continuing the work of those who came before us, building the places where trans people can discover God without having to lose themselves first.

This June, two of TMC’s community members have partnered to offer a $10,000 match challenge with a goal to raise $20,000 this Pride. If you belong to an affirming church, consider dedicating one or more of your Sunday offerings to TMC this month. If you are an individual, or an ally, consider setting up a recurring gift. https://transmissionministry.com/partner/donate/