15 Years Later: A Letter to the Man I Was on my Wedding Day

Brian, congrats on the wedding. I’m here to tell you that you just said yes to what is to come. You didn’t say yes to more of what got you to the altar today. The reasons you fell in love with Tamra are still true to this day, but they have evolved, as well as changed. It took about ten years for you to get out of your own way to truly start loving your wife in a way she needed to be loved. The past five years have been a blossoming growth that has y’all very happy in the moment and excited for the years to come. That wasn’t always the case though.

You were selfish and egotistical, yet you didn’t know it. You tried to manipulate and control people with your words and actions, in a passive aggressive way. This was a learned behavior that you saw acted out in your own life, and you kept it around because it suited you. Once Tamra started to push back on those behaviors, you slowly began to see through the fog, though it didn’t change overnight or without a desire to change.

Alcohol doesn’t help you any, just an FYI. I know how much you enjoy drinking beer, and at this point in your life, the brewery tours and constantly new shining flavors keep drawing you in. Though there is a lot of fun in the social connections from these brewery moments created, it’s the times at home that hurt you and your family the most. You disconnect from them, disengaging from yourself and their desire to connect with you. As this goes on, they try to connect with you less, because you’ve shown them you’d rather drink beer and edit a video than spend quality time with them.

It wasn’t until you saw how much alcohol was hurting your body, thanks to Whoop, that you started questioning why you drank it in the first place. You’ll eventually get sober. As I write this, you’ll be four years in. The connection you’ll have with Tamra and the kids will have you looking forward to walking into your 90’s and hopefully still getting on the ground to play with the great-grandkids. I know where you’re at now, you want more kids, and see a future where you’re engaged with your family, but you honestly don’t know how to get there. “Time is the currency of children”, so make sure you use the sliver of time you have while your children are still kids wisely.

Speaking of kids, Kaelyn will be 19 and at OU when I’m writing this to you. Though you’ll have a good relationship with her then, you won’t show up for her when she needed you the most. You’ll be there in your own way, but you won’t be aware enough to see how much she needs you. Because of this, she’ll find the security and parenting she needs outside of the home. Fifteen years from now, I’m still working on deepening that relationship, one day at a time.

Liam is going to be a HAND FULL, and he’s ONLY 13 years old. I know this is hard for you to believe, but he’ll probably be as much of a handful as you were to Mom and Dad; Genetics are weird, man! The man you are now is going to create a touch and go relationship with Liam early on. There will be a few moments that truly open your eyes to the man, and parent, you know you don’t want to be. This will start you on a journey of anger management, but truly it’ll be learning to understand that more emotions than just anger exist. You’ll hang out with him a lot, and you’ll try to help him understand what it means to be a man. You won’t want him to treat women the way you did in your younger years.

Norah will be 11 by this time and will go to gymnastics twice a week. You would have never thought that to be the case, but here we are. She’ll be very sweet and crazy funny, making faces and jokes with people around her at all times. You’ll see the world trying to shape her to “act normal”, but you’ll remind her that the world will always do that. You felt those similar moments, heck you still feel those moments, of the world trying to pressure you into conforming to something you don’t feel you want to become. You’re going to nurture her funny nature and see where she steers her ship.

I know you want to help people, but I don’t know if you know that yet. I know you’re striving for purpose and meaning in your life. The wife and child in front of you are your purpose and meaning in life. No job title, paycheck, or brewery tour will give you the fulfillment they will, but you have to lean in. They won’t walk up to you and fulfill you, that’s not how it works. You have to become the man, the husband and the father, they need you to be. Only by showing up for them in the ways they need you to show up will you find fulfillment.

Marriage isn’t easy, but it wasn’t meant to be easy. There are going to be times of discomfort, but those moments of unease are what create growth. Ask questions, get help when needed, and open your heart and mind to what the world needs of you. In that purpose, you’ll find yourself.

This letter to myself came about while I was writing a letter to my wife for our 15th Wedding Anniversary. We have been through a lot together over the past 15+ years as a couple. I hope reading this causes a moment of reflection for you. That reflection can be of a moment you’re proud of, or a moment you’re not proud of. The circumstance doesn’t matter because the reflection in and of itself is important for growth. It helps you understand what you want more of and what you want less of.

Thanks for reading,
-Brian!