Inspiration Diaries With Brittany Esposito of getting existential

It’s not an exaggeration when I say that brittany 🌙🎱✨🪩 is one of my favorite people. We met in a writing class only last summer, and yet it feels like I’ve know her a lifetime. I think we did know each other in past lifetimes, honestly, because we understand each other in a way that’s special and rare – true platonic soulmates. I can tell her anything and she just Gets It™️, and I love the creative energy that flows between us. She is a wonderful human who just radiates so much positive energy and care, and loves her people so so hard.

I am so excited to share a week in her life with you all. I hope you feel as inspired as I did reading it. <3

xx Brianna

p.s. Perhaps you’ve noticed throughout the Inspiration Diaries that I allow for certain liberties with the writers. I like inviting everyone to show up as they are, and sometimes that means no capitalization. To editor Bri, a bit of a nightmare; to friend Bri, endearing and just right. (ily brittany 🌙🎱✨🪩 and Annaliese Godderz for your uncapitalized chaos 🫶🏻)

a lot of the time i feel like i get stuck in the cycle of thinking rather than doing. it took me ages to start my substack after getting the idea to start writing more regularly and putting those pieces somewhere. it took my years to commit time to myself and take a writing class, to admit that i was a writer, that i was writing a book. i met bri in that writing class 1 year ago. my life changed instantly. the group was filled with talented writers from all over, all of us in different phases of life, writing different genres, different stories but all connected through one part of our soul. the universe aligned for all of us to be in that class together, i truly believe it. specifically, meeting bri reignited something in me that felt lost for a while. bri’s zest for life, creative thinking, and magnetism is enough to change a person’s life.

there is no better feeling than when someone you admire both as a creative and as a person asks you to collaborate on something. that’s how good it felt when bri asked me to participate in the Inspiration Diaries. watching her work, reading what she writes, having her in my corner, it’s been enough to help me find my writing voice, to be kind to myself when i don’t stick to the strict schedule i’m convinced i need to have, to experience the world with more whimsy and light. i could gush about bri and the mood board and her impact on the world around her for hours, as i’m sure anyone who has come across bri and the mood board could.

(Editor’s note from Bri: Wowowow. See what I mean! Britt is amazing; I’m literally tearing up with gratitude reading this. Such a gift to know her.)

i have been thinking about connection a lot lately. for many reasons lately, i have always felt a little bit isolated from the world. maybe in a way to protect myself from hurt, the fear of putting myself out there and not being received the way i want to. but i don’t want a lonely existence. I want to be the person that shouts my feelings from rooftops and lets other people see they aren’t alone. this week, i made the goal of approaching each day as a different way to feel connected. to the people around me, to the world, to the city i grew up in, to the communities i’m a part of. We are our best when we are with each other and i am learning that more and more these days.

the sunday reset

every few weeks, i get the sudden urge to change my life. to be the person that wakes up early and goes for a run, that puts their clothes away immediately after doing the laundry, to get out of the house on a nice day instead of sitting on the couch all day. i went to bed last night with this grandiose plan in mind. i wake up early, exercise, clean my entire apartment, and go to the park to read.

right at the start, i woke up later than i planned and didn’t go for a run or a walk like i wanted to, but instead of my usual self pity and abandonment of the whole day, i pivoted. i gave myself grace, because honestly, i have been tired as hell and sleeping in on a sunday just felt right, so i rolled out of bed around 11 and got to work getting my bedroom together. fresh sheets for the week, clothes put away (mostly - i have too much stuff to fit in my dressers, it’s a work in progress). i took a short walk to grab coffee and a bagel and came home to finish cleaning up and to write.

the sun outside was shining and the air was hot and thick, but i spent most of the day on the couch until my friend christine called me. she was in the neighborhood and wanted to go thrifting to look for outfit inspo for a trip we’re taking at the end of the month. we spent the late afternoon driving around bushwick popping into a few stores with the anticipation of our parisian escape hanging in the air.

i met christine 3 years ago at her birthday party that i was a +1 at, and from then we became fast friends. i don’t know many people like christine. she is so singular, a creative independent soul whose quiet openness feels like a cup of tea on a cold day. i usually don’t enjoy a last minute thrift day as much as i should. I hate not going in with a plan — i had no mood boards made, no specific items in mind, so it always feels overwhelming. But there was something about today. perusing through racks of clothes, picturing what we’d wear them for in paris, and popping over to close by bookstores, because a bookstore always feels like home.

the sun, the heat, the blue skies, it was the kind of day to wander.

trying new things

the morning goes as it usually does but today will be different than any day i’ve ever had. today i’m moderating a panel at work to interview two incredible people in the queer author and publishing space: Nina Haines and Kim Narby. i’m involved in the pride employee resource group at my job and for pride this month i suggested we host an event talking about queer books (even though we are a television company lol) and it got approved! this is the first time i’ve ever really put myself in the position to speak in front of people about the things i enjoy and my identity and community. luckily the two people i’m interviewing are people i know, love, and admire deeply. the morning goes as usual, but once 12 hits i have anxious blood running through me. i can’t sit still and i’m jittery and jumpy but so excited. the talk is at 1 and people slowly start to gather. it ends up being a much more intimate group than i wanted, with a larger group joining the online portion, but i allowed myself to let it go and just focus on having a good conversation .

i like to think it went well, the people who came told me it did, and i left feeling pretty good about the conversation we had. regardless, i view it as a success. i put myself out there and asked for something i wanted to do, i got to highlight a small queer publishing imprint and a debut queer author, and got to talk about the queer experience loudly and honestly at my Big Corporate Job! i’m allowing myself to say that i’m very proud of me.

as if the day couldn’t end on a higher note - THE HAMMOCK I ORDERED CAME. i’ve lived in my apartment for 2 summers and have always wanted the backyard to feel more cozy and welcoming, so when the weather was gorgeous on monday, it was the spark i needed to finally order one. i cannot believe i didn’t think about getting a hammock before now, but i will not allow regret to ruin the excitement. i built her all by myself and finished my current read swaying in the summer wind. i haven’t felt that at peace in i don’t know how long.

being the villager

after the high of monday, it was a harsh 180 to wake up on tuesday and already feel frustrated by the day. this day started not so great, maybe it was the crash from the excitement of Monday that made everything feel so much heavier. work has been a lot lately. there are a lot of things weighing on me and the imposter syndrome has been getting LOUD. if i’m being honest, the day was kind of a blur. i was tired all day and also extremely busy prepping for a work conference, but the packed schedule did kind of help getting my out of my own head.

one thing that did perk me right back up was that the incredible Laverne Cox was doing a talk at my building to promote her new memoir Transcendent, and we got to leave with a copy! i love when my next read just announces itself without me having to think about it <3

i had dinner plans that night that inched further and further away as i stayed 30 minutes late at work… then an hour…. then 2. cue the devil and the angel on my shoulder arguing about whether i should cancel and go home to sleep or not. but the universe makes the rules and my friend that i was supposed to meet with also ended up leaving work about 2 hours late. i thought about something that my friends and i talked about on a recent trip to austin, and something nina mentioned during the conversation i moderated monday. being a villager is the most important part of having a village. i can’t complain about feeling isolated or lonely if im not showing up for people even if it’s a little inconvenient or i don’t have all the energy for it in the world.this was the second time we rescheduled these dinner plans, and i haven’t seen my friend in months, and i did miss her! so i went and saw my friend. and i had a great time, of course. yes rest is important and self care is necessary, but knowing when you’re shutting yourself in vs actually needing a break is an important distinction that im trying to be better at recognizing.

slow moving

i’m struggling with what to say about this day. i almost want to tell you that this day was uneventful, but no day is truly uneventful right? i mean, i’m planning a conference at work and that has been taking up most of my brain space but i don’t want to bore anyone with the details. i may love the nitty gritty of event prep, but i wont subject anyone to hearing about the trials and tribulations of shipping packages that sometimes get returned for seemingly no reason. i got away from my desk for lunch and spent it with the other girls on the floor.

after work, i headed to queens to see my family for dinner. since i moved out of queens, i try to get back at least twice a month for dinner to see my parents and my siblings, and within the last three months, my niece!!! yes the rumors are true, i have joined the hot aunt club.

the night ends as all nights do when i go for dinner at my sisters. an uber back to brooklyn, with a borrowed item in hand, and the promise to text when i get home. And as mundane and routine as this might seem, my cup is full because i got to see my family. And now my cuppeth overflow once again and this night will once again end on a high note due to mail i received (see hammock mail on monday) — this months ‘a little something’ shining bright in my mailbox! Meg Seyler’s monthly snail mail club makes me giddy every time i get an envelope. snail mail forever!

i also started watching the knicks game (i’m a native new yorker baby) around half time (because i’m not actually a huge basketball person, but i love new york and love island doesn’t play on wednesdays sooo...) and they started scoring like crazy. i did a bunch of menial tasks i needed to do while the game played in the background but at a certain point i was locked tf in. gasping at the tv with every shot or pass or foul. and before i knew it they made the comeback of the century and i stayed up until 12:30 after telling myself id go to bed early. it’s hard to not show up for new york because in so many ways she has showed up for me, and who doesn’t want to say they witnessed history you know?

connecting & community

listen, i never said i was the smartest when it came to time management of my personal life. as exhausted as i have been, i didn’t go straight home after work. it is pride month after all, i can hardly ever say no to a fun post work event. one of the employee resource groups threw a Drag Loteria night at a gay bar close to work – and I’m not gonna go?? so i did! i spent time with a colleague turned friend that i rarely get to see (we work on different floors and teams) but who is one of the coolest people i know, and i ran into a new friend that i haven’t seen in a bit.

the show was incredible, miss Freeda Kulo, a gemini & native new yorker (my soul sister actually), killed it as usual. my friend hannah, the new friend i hadn’t seen in a bit, introduced me to her coworkers who were all so kind and so cool. hannah does a small friday newsletter wrapping up the pop culture tea of the week, and i got added to it. as a substacker, you know i love a newsletter. on the way home, i saw daisies sprouting up in a neighbors yard in the dark on my walk home. i went to bed that night physically exhausted but with a refreshed soul.

romantic walks through midtown

friday was filled with nervous energy. i’ve got a work trip coming up and haven’t had as much time to do my house duties and outfit planning as i wanted. fridays in the office are quiet and silly. it’s nice to not be distracted by people, but it feels silly to sit in a silent office that’s usually packed with a handful of people. what’s nice about it too is that sometimes, because there are so little people there, the office buys us lunch as a friday treat. like a middle school pizza party, we made our plates and sat in a conference room. generations of people, all different tenure, different backgrounds, interests, all sitting in a conference room used for big important business meetings, eating pizza and gabbing about whatever there is to gab about.

i’m sure you’re recognizing a pattern at this point, after work, i did not go home even though i should have had a night in. i had plans with someone to go see the movie to watch to wong foo, thanks for everything, julie newmar, that was showing at rooftop cinema club in midtown. it almost didn’t happen because it started down pouring right around the time i was getting off the train (homophobic) - but the person i was meeting that evening, my knight in shining umbrella, met me at the midtown train exit, shielded me from the rain, and we sauntered over to the theater. eventually the rain stopped, and we got to sit in the less sticky humidity post rain and watch the movie.

afterwards, the weather stayed cooler - well less hot - and it seemed like a waste of a summer night to immediately get on the train, so we decided to walk 20 blocks downtown before we ended the night. It was a great night.

love and love and love

this will go down in history as one of the best days of my life. i cannot explain the joy i felt saturday in a way that does it justice.

the morning - afternoon: i woke up with a quiet buzz in anticipation of the day. a mix of anxiety and stress and excitement flowing through my veins. i finished packing for my work trip as best as i could before i started to get ready for my days festivities. i put on my gayest outfit (includes renee rapp tour merch) and got ready for brooklyn pride. it’s the first time i’ve gone to brooklyn pride and while i couldn’t stay the entire day to march, i was so happy to be a part of it for the morning. i got brunch with 3 friends and went to a backyard pride pregame where there was a stack of stickers and tattoos readily available. it was a morning of meeting other queer people, being in my own queerness loudly with my whole being, and celebrating my friendships, my community, and new york. i felt so at home and at peace in my body. i got to be silly and dance and sing with people i love in the city i love. later after walking up and down the streets of brooklyn looking at vendors and listening to live music, i had to bid goodbye for the days second set of plans.

the evening: i took the train from brooklyn to midtown, my car filled with people dressed in gay pride and ny pride - happy pride, knicks in 5! i had dinner plans and was seeing 5 seconds of summer in concert. i met my friends for dinner at a restaurant in midtown that was packed and ready for the world cup game happening. the girl my friend is dating was a genius and made a reservation, so we got seated while there was a line piling out the door. it was so nice to spend some time in the ac sitting down, eating, and chatting. i had the realization that i’ve known my friends from college for 10 years now. 10 years of growing together, learning who we are, getting jobs and finding love and always loving each other. the kind of love i have with my friends is unconditional and electric. there are never awkward silences, there is always laughter through the tears, and tears from the laughter. i need to remind myself of this feeling more when i’m feeling alone.

we finish with dinner and head to madison square garden. the city is a mess in the best way. There was a lot happening in new york this day. world cup games, the knicks game watch parties, and the concert at msg. there are barricades up every block, police presence everywhere and people zipping through the streets. we finally find the street that’s open for the concert goers, i’ve never seen the outside of msg look so open before a concert. there were groups of people corralled in barricades for the knicks watch parties and slews of people making their way into the garden. the mix of grungy pop punk outfits and knicks gear felt hilariously right in this moment. my best friend, kelly, and me, walking arm in arm dressed in our last minute homemade knicks in 5sos shirts (i banged them out the night before with some paint markers i have for my craft nights) ready to scream our heads off and dance our asses off.

writing about concerts is something i’ve always found a little difficult. i LOVE a concert. it’s where most of my spending money goes. if theres a show in new york, odds are i’m there. but i’ve never been able to properly write about my experience. i used to want to start a music blog, write about all of the concerts i go to, about the energy in the rooms, what music means to me, but it’s something that sits so deeply within me that i don’t have the words. i’ll try my best to articulate it now but just know, its bigger than i could ever describe.

kelly and i met 10 years ago sophomore year of college. she grew up with another one of my best friends, who i played on the soccer team with, and we would plan to live together sophomore year in an apartment. before i met kelly in person, i followed her on instagram and saw she posted something about the 1975. i dmed her immediately, and that was that. from then on we became connected through the soul, there is not a life i want to live without her in it. our music taste is shockingly similar and we have been in the same place multiple times before meeting. our invisible string is the music we loved as teen girls <3 and here we were, 10 years later at our billionth 5sos show, livestreaming the knicks game on a phone while we watch our favorite band play. throughout the concert i just kept getting hit with waves of gratitude and joy. listening to a band that i have loved since i was 15 play new songs and old songs, being there with my best friend, watching her grow up, and myself grow up, and learning to be in the moment. I felt all of my life pass through me, feeling so grateful to live in new york, to have friends who live here, and friends who don’t, and have people that know me so deeply and truly that they see past all of the things i want to change about myself and celebrate me as i am. and suddenly i am crying to a song that i cried to in 2014 and kelly’s arm is around my shoulders and we are swaying while a sea of phone flashlights illuminates the garden. I will be a fangirl forever.

if the night ended there, it would have still been one of the best nights of my life. but the universe had more in store for this girl from new york. I get to the train land turn the knicks game on to watch my phone. we had been periodically checking during the concert, refreshing the score every couple of songs, and there was minutes left in the last quarter. while i’m waiting on the platform, a father pushing a baby in a carriage props up behind me to watch on my phone and i extend my arm out so he can see, no words were spoken. a girl walks by with headphones in an nods to my phone, i gesture for her to come over and watch. 3 strangers on a subway platform watching their local team move toward making history. the train arrives and we all go our separate ways, during a time out with 8 seconds left on the clock. and then something even more magical happens. the knicks win it and a guy on the train jumps up from his seat and cheers. “they did it!” “knicks in 5!” cheers erupt on the train and the conductor gets on to announce that the knicks have won the championship for the first time in 53 years. every time the doors open at a stop you hear fireworks and horns and cheers floating through the city air. i’d be lying if i said i ever cared about basketball before this moment. but i care about new york and i will root for new york every damn time.

there have been so many moments in the last few years, and especially the last few months, where i have felt so lost and unsure of who i am, and in the moments where i am watching confetti rain down on the crowd, and music beaming through the speakers, and the smile on my best friends face, watching someone jump up and cheer for their team, listening to the sounds of the city in celebration, i am happy that i made it through those times, to be here now and feel how i feel.

***

Connect with Brittany here:

Substack: getting existential.

Instagram: @shutuppbritttt

Thank you for reading The Mood Board! It means so much to me that you are here, and I hope you found bits of inspiration here today. Say hi on Instagram here, shop my faves here, and read my other writing here. And if you want to buy me a coffee, you can do that here. :)

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