I bought a new telly

I bought a new telly today.

It’s not a big one, it’s not for the living room. It’s just a replacement for the wee one in the kitchen. A 32 inch.

Why do I need a replacement? Did the last one break? Does it not work anymore?

Naw, it’s just too fucking slow. I’ll explain what I mean by slow, but that’s the main reason. It’s also the lack of apps, but the main thing is that it’s too fucking slow. Can you see me swearing? Can you sense how pissed off I am? And that’s with it all behind me now, that’s despite there being a replacement in the post and a bright new future ahead. It winds me up just to think about it.

By slow, I mean that you press a button on the remote and it takes too long for the telly to do something about it. And that’s a problem. Depending on the situation, it ranges from it being a wee problem to a big problem.

Here’s a classic example.

You’re watching an episode of something, on the iPlayer, with your family. You’re picking up where you left off a day or two before, about a quarter of the way through that episode. But you or somebody else can’t quite remember what had happened earlier in that episode, so you go to rewind it by a few minutes, right?

Wrong.

Due to your stupid fucking telly being slow as fuck, after you press rewind and get no response, you press rewind again, causing it to eventually rewind far too much and you go back to the start of the episode.

Fuck right off.

Not to worry, simply go forward a bit. But this time, make sure you don’t hit forward twice, just wait. So it starts to go forward, and then you hit play at the bit where you want it to stop.

And it fucking doesn’t.

It just whizzes right past it, and stops five minutes from the end of the episode, spoiling the absolute fuck out it, like somebody lying dead who was alive at the start, or somebody getting banished from The Traitors.

Do you know how much grief that causes? It might not sound like much, but these small instances of badness and sadness add up. It gets your back all tense. It probably knocks years off your life. It makes you unhappy.

Well, not anymore.

New fucking telly on the way, fast interface (I watched demonstrations on YouTube), plus tons more apps. The current one has about three apps, no joke. Netflix, Prime, iPlayer, that’s about it. Absolutely shite. And, no, you cannae get other apps. Decent ones anyway. It’s just all this pish you’ve never heard of.

Cannae wait.

Don’t ask me what kind this new one is, cos I don’t want this post to sound like I’m flogging stuff. It’s an LG, like the one we’ve got in the living room. And the old one is a Sony. That’s right, the shite one is a Sony. Sony’s supposed to be good. Overpriced but good. But it’s shite. And this new one is cheaper. It’s about 160 quid and it’s much better, and I cannot wait. I cannot wait for this new era of kitchen telly watching.

What will I do with the old one? I don’t know.

Stick it in another room. Give it away or something.

Give it to somebody I hate.