How We Talk To Our Kids About Money, Part 1: All Things Allowance

I’m not sure how to get into a money conversation without giving you 46 years of context, a million disclaimers and going on and on about how money is the most triggering subject for most humans that will likely come off as some sort of apology. This could be a 40 page introduction. But I want to jump into the allowance talk because that seems actually achievable today.

But real quick… I was raised modestly by two teacher parents, 6 kids in a working class coastal town, then moved to the wealthiest suburb outside Portland when I was 16 to finish high school. My resentment towards these rich kids was high, what with their new cars, JCrew allowances and (what I thought at the time), wallets full of entitlement. I didn’t want to be like them, or be friends with them, like at all. Of course I can see clearly now that I was just mad that I had to move into a new school at 16, and insecure that I didn’t fit in (because I didn’t). And I likely did want what they had. In hindsight I know that these kids were, like me, privileged, but probably totally great and normal enough. 90’s-high-school Emily was pretty angsty. But also she wasn’t wrong to not like kids who wore their entitlement like an outfit. She still doesn’t.

20 years later, I’m now in the position to give my kids what many of those kids had and I don’t for one second take it for granted. I’m very, very grateful to have this job and be able to provide for our family.

But I also know that if Brian and I aren’t careful and thoughtful about how we do this, they will indeed turn out entitled.

So when our kids brought up getting an allowance, I was like In what world do you need an allowance?? What else could you possibly want???

I was triggered. Growing up I got a penny for every minute that I practiced piano and $3 for every blue ribbon at the 4H county fair. Brian got a small allowance, but it was tied to chores like mowing the lawn, taking out the trash, shoveling dog poop. My parents didn’t buy us anything that wasn’t actually needed, and I got my first job at 15 and worked steadily through high school and college, which I paid for 100% by myself. So much of my self esteem and confidence comes from this forced self-reliance. I don’t want to deny that opportunity from our kids. But our circumstances are different and we are raising our kids in a different world.

So when they asked for this allowance, because “all their friends got them” I wanted to have the “right” answer. While not having any experience in this odd fancy people tradition, I did what every mom would do in 2024 - I asked the internet-famous-millenial-child-psychologist-expert, Dr. Becky.

I downloaded her paid “chores and allowance” PDF and after it broke down “age-appropriate chores” and other stuff I already knew, she said something that stopped me in my tracks:

“Allowance should NOT be linked to chores”.

I love Dr. Becky. But … Uh ok. So just free money? Our kids just get money for doing nothing?

No way. Not. a. chance.

Of course the psychology behind it is that kids shouldn’t get paid for chores because taking care of your home, cleaning up after yourself and helping your family isn’t a job that you get compensated for, it’s just part of daily life and being a citizen. And I totally agree with that. That’s how I was raised.

But it still didn’t answer why the heck I was going to start giving my kids $10 a week if they didn’t have to work for it at all?????

“It’s practice money” it said. Ok fine, but, like, they were 8 and 10 at the time. What do they need “practice money” for???