Since giving birth three months ago, I have been inundated with choices. Some of those choices have been made with a clear mind after doing my research or relying on past experiences. Others have been made in the middle of the night, in panic, desperate to pacify my son’s screams or return to sleep. These choices seem simple, but to a new mom, they feel life-altering, likely because they signify a part of your identity. What type of mother will you be? Will you offer a pacifier or not? Cosleep? Give them formula? Take medication while breastfeeding? Trust your doctor’s advice on vaccines? Travel with them?
I was at my first Italian children’s birthday party the other weekend, and another dad, who happens to be a doctor, told us his daughter was sleeping through the night. His daughter is the same age as my son, so naturally, my jaw hit the floor. I watched this precious baby chug a bottle and then fell asleep peacefully in her mother’s arms, without a carrier, without nursing, without a white noise machine, and without any motion.
I quietly screamed, thinking about my baby, who struggles to take a bottle for dad, still won’t sleep without a swaddle, and prefers 24/7 physical contact with mom to nap. My child, whom I thought had a sweet temperament and was an “easy” baby, suddenly seemed behind the curve.
It took me a day to realize this is just self-imposed pressure, and our family is doing great. But it also made me reflect on various pieces of advice people have given me, and the social pressure I feel as a result. Before I had a baby, I took the advice to “not lose yourself in motherhood” very seriously. As an older first-time mom, I had built a beautiful life for myself in the waiting period, and I saw no reason to give that up. However, the reality is that I haven’t returned to my hobbies as quickly as I thought I would. I also haven’t left my baby for more than the 2-3 hours I can between breastfeeding sessions, and certainly haven’t left the house in the evenings, as we go to bed with the baby at 8 pm. I could go on and on: “sleep when the baby sleeps” is impossible when he will only contact nap, “make time for yourselves as a couple” has been limited to short walks to get gelato while our parents were in town, and “don’t blink - it goes so fast” has me questioning if I am “making the most” of every moment.
This social pressure makes me feel like I’m somehow behind. Where does this ugly social pressure come from? I refuse to believe that it comes from parents themselves, but rather from the system, each of us suffering from the constraints of capitalism and patriarchal frustration, and taking it out on ourselves or each other instead of rallying to change the structure it came from.
Not to mention, like all capitalistic societies, there is pressure for a few shiny objects to solve all of our problems. The first and only argument I’ve had with my husband post-partum was over a product called the “magic merlin”. Need I say more? I will. We’ve not only purchased sleep sacks, but also a baby mattress purporting basically to be full of air and thus suffocation proof, a subscription to an app that finds his perfect nap time, and a plethora of different-shaped bottles. Despite all this, somehow I am still up in the middle of the night googling floor mattresses?
Social media is bombarding me with videos about the correct breathing patterns to flatten my mom tummy. I am getting ads for Norwegian dad-designed and approved hiking seats. Apparently, I’m not holding my baby like a mummy in the middle of the night to get his burps out most efficiently while keeping him asleep.
A face-palm moment happened to me this week when I found myself trusting a timer on the Huckleberry app more than the actual look on my son’s face showing me that he is tired. It’s time to get back to my intuition and to trust what I’ve learned about my baby so far.
It’s also time I lean into the matriarchy and my supportive community instead of listening to a system trying to make it seem like I’m failing. Today, instead of logging into my work computer, I was lucky enough to be on paid leave, abandoning any hope of a stroller nap and standing in a public park and swaying side to side for an hour until my three-month-old baby finally closed his eyes and fell asleep in his carrier. That’s it. I spent an hour of my day swaying in the trees with my baby, and instead of thinking about all the things I should be doing, I surrendered to the breeze and the way the trees fluttered in the sunlight. It felt like a step in the right direction. I am doing great, and I will get back to my hobbies and our life as a couple in due time.
Somehow, I must resist the temptation to rush, to compare myself to other parents and families, to try to control my baby, or to push forward instead of letting things unfold as they are supposed to.
Napoli Notizie is my monthly paid personal essay, followed by my guideposts for living a life based on your values and prioritizing your creativity. For my first Mother’s Day this month, I’m offering my personal essay for free.
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