Pardon me, but could you point me in the general direction of the nearest sea?

Dearest gentle reader,

This salutation is brought to you by the fact that Netflix inexplicably put “How I Met Your Mother” in my “Because you watched Bridgerton” recommendations and now I no longer understand how anything works.

How are you? I’ve been up to my usual shenanigans. Writing. Living. Working on the PastFinders app with our small but mighty team while we gear up for the Android launch. I had a wonderful time presenting on Pittsburgh’s Great Fire of 1845 at the South Park Township Library a week or so ago (what is time even?). It was a capacity crowd and it was so nice to be able to step back into my history teacher persona for an hour. Several attendees handed me a copy of my own book to sign and I really appreciated that. Here are some photos from the library:

This is what I look like when I’m teaching.

Absolutely amazing that that dorky frizzy-haired milkshake doesn’t bring a stampede of boys to my yard. Let’s talk!

We are immediately launching into the “HOLD ON TO YOUR BUTTS” portion of the newsletter, so go ahead and do that now. As you know, Pittsburgh has a new Walk of Fame similar to the famous one in Hollywood. Our version was officially unveiled this week in the Strip featuring star plaques honoring ten historical and iconic Pittsburghers: Andrew Carnegie, Rachel Carson, Andy Warhol, Roberto Clemente, Nellie Bly, Fred Rogers, Jonas Salk, August Wilson, George Benson and Michael Keaton. As you know, only those last two are still living. Michael Keaton was the only honoree to attend the ceremony alongside hundreds of spectators and VIPs.

You guys. Yinz. Y’all. Youse. Yehosephat. Please look at this Instagram post by WTAE’s Michelle Wright:

Holy shit. Please allow me, through the use of Moira Rose of Schitt’s Creek gifs, to walk you through the progression of my emotions when I saw that they had misspelled the name of the only honoree in attendance at the unveiling.

Can you imagine how many people laid eyes on some version of this and didn’t notice the mistake at any point leading up to installation and unveiling? My secondhand cringe is completely off the charts. If I had any sort of proofreading duties or major involvement and I unveiled in the presence of the media, the public, and Batman himself a permanent sidewalk-embedded plaque that had his name misspelled on it, I would simply…

Sometimes, you just gotta march yourself into the sea. This fiasco is probably karma meted out by the soul of Gene Kelly who was ridiculously not included in the first class of honorees (yes, I know about his plaque on the Pitt campus. NOT GOOD ENOUGH.)

Gentle reader, I am straight up begging you. If you have a project like this, something that has to do with Pittsburgh history or Pittsburgh people or Pittsburgh being a cool place or having or needing a cool new thing, reach out to me! Bring me into the fold! Pick my brain for ten minutes! I have good ideas and I would have caught the misspelling. And I would have told you to include Gene Kelly and I would have pointed you in the general direction of the nearest sea if you said no.

I have so many good ideas and no one will take them and run with them. Behold:

• A life-sized statue of a zombie hoisting itself halfway out of the river and onto the wharf near the Point as a tribute to George Romero. It would become a hugely popular photo op.

• An incline-themed advent calendar with a little incline that makes its trek to the top over 24 days at which point it lights up and the little wreath on it lights up too and then the door opens and a little gift is revealed and it’s magical and perfect and you charge like 75 dollars for it but people still buy it because it’s amazing.

• Link all the tunnels in Pittsburgh to the E-ZPass system so that drivers get a small account credit every time they enter without braking.

• A statue of Gene Kelly swinging on a working lamppost on Grandview Avenue on Mount Washington that is also a fountain that rains on him and his umbrella.

• A PRT bus painted to look like Trolley from Mister Rogers’ Neighborhood. Or paint all the golf carts that transport the elderly and disabled around Pittsburgh airport to look like Trolley or incline cars. Or paint an incline to look like Trolley. Or include the Neighborhood of Make-Believe in the miniature railroad village at the Science Center and have Trolley be one of the engines that stops there.

• Rip the damn eyesore billboard off of Mount Washington and never let another take its place unless it’s a sign that says, “Welcome to the Neighborhood.”

• A Nellie-Bly-themed online magazine written solely by local girls in order to hone their writing and journalism skills. It should be called Bly All Accounts.

• You buy me this penthouse on Mount Washington

Like I said, the best ideas. Let me know if you need my mailing address to send me the keys and a housewarming basket that’s just all cookies and cash.

Gentle reader, please read this amazing headline from the Tribune-Review:

Ah-*clap*-mazing! And I have some thoughts:

a. If I ever straight-up lassoed a loose cow on a highway and the media didn’t refer to me as a magical cowgirl, we’d be having us a good old-fashioned shootout in the local saloon because that is some meet-’em-at-high-noon-on-Main Street shit I performed. But they went with horseman. Is that what they prefer to be called? Let me show you the difference between a cowboy and a horseman.

Cowboy:

Horseman:

b. If you referred to me as a “horsewoman” after I lassoed a heifer of unknown origin that had absconded down I-79 like that Connellsville housepig that one time, my brain would immediately go to those TikTok girls who run like horses, or to Bob’s Burgers’ Tina Belcher writing her semi-erotic Horsetorical Fiction.

c. Is “Heifers of Unknown Origin” a good band name or the greatest band name ever?

* If you don’t get this reference, I am sad for you.

It’s fully appropriate that I put this at #3 on the list. Remember when things were easier? When social media was new and wasn’t yet a complete raging hell-pit where peace goes to be strangled to death? When we were talking about the color of dresses, Daniel Sepulveda’s muscles, Maxime Talbot’s Great Shush-ening, and whether Lukey was actually doing the work or was just flitting about town handing famous people mayoral proclamations? When Jeff Reed got cited back in 2009 for kicking that Sheetz paper towel dispenser like it had been teed up on the 30-yard line?

If you’ve forgotten:

Steelers kicker Jeff Reed was cited with criminal mischief and disorderly conduct after throwing a tantrum over an empty paper towel machine at a Westmoreland County convenience store, state police said.

Well, look what I found in a Westmoreland County antique shop yesterday!

I could not be more deceased if I walked myself straight into the sea. I honestly love it and I hope it finds a place of honor in someone’s yinzer mancave. You’ll be wanting to get yourself to L & L Fleatique Too in Adamsburg if you want to snatch this up. It’s upstairs near the back. Tell them PittGirl sent you and they’ll go, “Who the f—…”

I am way past my space limit so I’ve got to wrap this one up with our little things that I don’t have space or time to turn into big things:

• Grandpa Joe’s placed giant rubber ducks along rooftops in Canonsburg. I love this kind of thing! More of this!

• It looks like we’ll be losing Monroeville Mall under Walmart’s development plans for the site. I’m conflicted. That’s the mall of my youth and it’s basically historical thanks to Dawn of the Dead. But I also understand malls just aren’t what they used to be, so transforming this space into mixed-use is probably for the better. I just hope that they incorporate plenty of greenspace, as it’s currently just a massive concrete slab.

• I’ve already begun work on this year’s Yinzer Holiday Gift Guide, so please get your suggestions to me soon for local shops and items to include!

• I had no clue that Kurt Vonnegut had a connection to Pittsburgh and to CMU to the point he’d been known to bust out a school cheer. Read about it here!

• Pittsburgh was named one of the best places in the world to travel in 2026 by National Geographic. Good for us!

Have a great week or two! Be kind! Paint more things to look like inclines and Trolley! Have a wonderful Halloween! Be safe!

And most importantly, keep tabs on your heifers, unless you want one to go frolicking down I-79, creating a mess of traffic until a hot cowboy shows up on horseback to lasso it and you, and then accidentally sweeps you off your feet both literally and figuratively.

Oh, no. Did I just write the best meet-cute for a Hallmark TV movie called Lassoed by Love?

Send me a check.