Note: Happy Monday! This is a long one, so you may need to click a button at the bottom of your email to read the rest. I did not have time to edit. You will live. You always do.
Can we talk about our recent weather being such that I’ve been afraid to look directly at it for fear Mother Nature will snap out of it and be all, “[blink] Oh, wait. This is when I’m supposed to be a real misery-flinging bitch who enjoys seeing people suffer.”
Then I looked at the forecast for the week and apparently one of you did indeed look directly at it, because now it’s payback time. Sigh.
Lots to chat about today, so let’s talk!
The big local story right now is, unbelievably, bike lanes.
Somewhere in Pittsburgh, Bill Peduto’s spidey senses started tingling as if the Bat-Signal just lit up the sky. Did I just combine two different superheroes from two different universes? You betcha. I don’t follow the rules. I’ll say things like, “Sidney Crosby really hit a home run with that goal.” Truly fearless.
Anyway, we are crazily still fighting about bike lanes in Pittsburgh despite most cities being long past this stage, having accepted and embraced them. I feel that I should state my personal relationship to bikes before I offer an opinion on this matter, and that relationship can be summed up as this:
It’s not great, you guys. Remember how in Calvin and Hobbes, Calvin was always convinced his cute little bike was actually a disguised demon hellbent on destroying him? Exactly that. I also feel that way about cats, pigeons and fitted sheets come folding time.
Of course, as a pre-teen, I used to ride my tricked-out banana-seated butterfly-barred bike down my steep street without a helmet, with silver streamers flying gloriously out of my handlebars, my legs sticking straight out off the pedals for maximum thrills—pedals that were my only braking mechanism, mind you—and I’d reach velocity enough to dry out my eyeballs before I’d get to the bottom and shoot across the moderately busy intersection with a split-second “hope I don’t eat a car grill and die before I get to make out with Jordan Knight” glance and then race up the facing hill where I’d turn around and do it all over again.
But then I stopped riding bikes and—I’ve told this story before and you’re gonna hear it again—by the time I mounted a bike as a young adult, I was with my sister Tina Fey in Texas where we were biking around her quiet rural-ish neighborhood and I was doing … pretty okay … when an old lady in a massive Lincoln passed me a little too closely while driving a blistering four miles per hour at which point I screamed and let my bike and body tip gently against her car. It was the slowest bike/car collision you’ve ever seen. You could have popped a mini bag of microwave popcorn in the time it took for this catastrophe to unfold. But that didn’t stop me from telling my family upon returning to the house, “I was just hit by a car.”
Wait. Am I the drama?
My point is, I’m not coming into this fight as a cyclist nor as a Strip District business owner. I come into it trying very hard to understand the positions of the various stakeholders.
What is on the table here is a traffic-calming (and street beautification) measure for the Strip over eight blocks on Penn between 31st and 22nd streets. If you aren’t familiar, hop onto Google Maps and do a street-view drive so you can understand what it looks like now. The approved plan, for which construction is slated to begin soon (maybe), will convert what is a two-lane inbound street with on-street parking and loading zones into a one-lane inbound street with on-street parking, loading zones and … a protected bike lane.
Yes, they are literally asking motorists to merge into one lane for eight blocks that have no opposing traffic flow, which means no stopping to let people sit to wait to make left turns across traffic—something that would indeed truly fork up the traffic flow.
This proposal, which you can view here on a block-by-block basis, seems perfectly reasonable to beautify the area, expand Pittsburgh’s biking infrastructure while maintaining auto traffic access, and decrease accidents in an area highly prone to them.
Some business owners, seemingly led by the owner of Pittsburgh Winery, have been against this proposal from the start and now they have actually filed a lawsuit against the city to stop the construction, with their chief reasons being the following:
It will hinder emergency vehicles
It will create traffic jams that will kill their businesses and they’ll have to close
Let’s be real; the main reason is that second one. I know it sounds super scary because they have attached to the lawsuit a letter from the firefighters union president, but take it with a grain of salt, frankly. Pittsburgh is full of one-way, single-lane streets that occasionally clog up, yet emergency vehicles do what they need to do. And that’s the thing here: are we just going to pretend like the less congested Liberty and the more spacious Smallman don’t exist and aren’t open to vehicular traffic? Are we going to act like there isn’t an entire street grid around this eight-block stretch? This isn’t Moses parting the Red Sea and that’s your only way through so get marching and hope you like walking on squishy flopping fish.
I’m not trying to be a bitch (it just comes naturally), but, no, this isn’t really a valid reason, and furthermore, it’s not the real reason the business owners are against it. If safety was their main concern, they’d be in favor of this measure to decrease accidents in the most accident-prone stretch of street in the Strip. They’d want to make things safer for cyclists and pedestrians who use the street far far more than emergency vehicles. So, the REAL reason …
Traffic jams kill businesses to the point that some of them are claiming outright that if this project comes to fruition, they will be forced to close their doors.
“If they make it one lane, it’s just going to choke all the business out,” Coen told TribLive.
This is driving me nuts because I never hear any reason why they believe occasional backups kill businesses. Humans are smart. Oh, there’s usually traffic on that street around this time of day! I’ma take a side street and park somewhere down that way and then I’ll walk over. They don’t say, Oh, traffic. I’m going to just turn around and go home and never ever patronize that business. Besides, have we not already had this bike lane argument over and over again over the years? Have these owners not bothered to learn how this is the exact kind of project that encourages foot traffic and patronization of establishments in busy corridors of commerce? That multi-use streets are ACTUALLY THE GOAL for improving city economies? You let cars, pedestrians, and bikes have safe access to your city blocks and things. get. better.
If a business has to close because a two-lane one-way inbound becomes a much prettier one-lane inbound with bikes, I have some bad news about the overall health of that business. On an evening last week, I was in the Strip for an event and I hate to break it you you all, but people really use those bike lanes! So many bikes. Cyclists, pedestrians and car drivers will increasingly see this 8-block stretch as a safe, friendly destination to visit rather than a run-down B2B stretch of road that you just need to get through, which is mostly how it looks and feels now.
I am not anti-business. I literally co-owned Las Velas which opened the very week Market Square was torn up back in 2010. I understand the temporary headaches construction creates for businesses. I understand the fear that new traffic patterns might change things for the worse. But this seems like a knee-jerk overreaction by the businesses in the Strip.
I hope they lose their lawsuit because otherwise it would set a dangerous precedent that stops Pittsburgh (and other cities) from making street changes that will actually increase safety and spending at local businesses. PEOPLE buy products; their cars do not, so make it easier for the people. Make it safer. Make it prettier. For the people, not the cars.
And watch what happens.
Pittsburgh, we have too many damn vape shops and I’m so sick of it.
Yes, I realize a vape shop is better than an empty storefront, but every single one I’ve ever seen is a complete visual shit-show. Looking at one feels like being high on six kinds of mushrooms and four kinds of bath salts. Twelve different colors of neon signs and string lights blinking at twelve different speeds. At least three blinking “OPEN” signs. Their interiors all lit up with the bluest, harshest florescent lights on the market. These shops are the visual equivalent of grand mal seizures, and I can say that because I once had one. You can literally give directions to them by saying, “Turn right and follow the glow. If your eyes stop stinging or you stop feeling inexplicably sad, you’ve gone too far.”
Our downtown is quite small and yet there are already almost 30 vape shops in and directly around it. That’s too many and yet more are coming. I understand that the fact there are so many speaks to the market for them, but still, it is simply not the kind of establishment we need dozens of in downtown and surrounding neighborhoods.
Hear me, yinz. Item number 1 of this edition has a correlation to item number 2. If we don’t start approaching Downtown as a place we need to transform into a bike-, pedestrian-, resident-, family- and tourist-friendly destination rather than merely a place of commerce that people commute to daily and “let’s get back to the office now that the pandemic is over!”, it will never attract more than what it does now: new bank branches and new vape shops that glow as bright as the sun in a city that is supposedly trying to become DarkSky compliant. We will have no variety of establishments, which is what we need to grow downtown. Get it? It’s all connected.
So anyway, I’m glad to read this:
Pittsburgh City Councilmembers Bobby Wilson and Daniel LaValle are introducing legislation this week to change the zoning code and limit the number of smoke and vape shops in city neighborhoods and business districts, especially Downtown
We’re not saying we can’t have them, but we have enough now. If you’re a vaper, smoker, etc., you’ll still be able to buy the product you love and quite easily; you just might have to walk or drive a bit further to your favorite glow-in-the-dark smoke-dispensing establishment. Seems like a no-brainer to me.
I’m going to run for mayor and my tagline will be MONTANEZ: Fewer vape shops, more cookie tables.
Baby, I’m winning that race for sure.
Also, I asked Google Gemini to recreate the famous Michael Scott/Wayne Gretzky image from The Office, but using “Virginia Montanez” instead of Steve Carrell and this is what it gave me:
I guess I’m just not famous enough … yet. Wait until I become mayor and commission a giant stone statue of a drenched zombie hoisting itself out of the Mon near the Point.
INSTANT FAME AND FORTUNE.
More than anything these days, I’m a historian. As in, that’s how the majority of my work time is spent. Either teaching it, giving presentations on it, writing it, researching it for PastFinders or Pittsburgh Magazine, etc. So that means I have tons of Pittsburgh history stuff to share with you since last we talked.
First, I wrote a column that has pissed off the local conspiracy theorists and for that I sincerely apologize do not give a shit. The column is about how today’s anti-science conspiracy theories are an insult to Pittsburgh’s rich history in the field of science. From Salk to Brashear to Irwin to Carson. I’m sure you can imagine how many are trying to argue that “questioning science is the scientific method.” Here’s the problem: that’s valid provided you question the science WITH MORE SCIENCE to refute the earlier science. You can’t just rely on thoughts, feelings, a debunked paper or two, and the meandering words of a brain-wormed weirdo and call it the scientific method. Even Aristotle knew better and he believed eels were born from mud and rainwater. A snippet:
Salk’s polio vaccine — declared “safe, effective and potent” on April 12, 1955 — also laid the groundwork for the measles vaccine licensed for use less than a decade later, demonstrating for the field how to create, test and produce safe vaccines for mass public rollout. Measles, one of the most contagious of all the world’s known infections. Measles, right now sickening children and robbing lives with a resurgence catalyzed by falling vaccination rates. Measles, the problem we already solved by eliminating it in 2000 in the United States — thanks, in part, to the work of Jonas Salk.
Science, denied.
There’s lots more in there, so go have a read and then do not under any circumstances email me your “proof” of your pet conspiracy theory. Do, however, email me effusive and specific praise while offering to mail me cookies, diamonds or deeds to homes on Mt. Washington. But only if it has a view.
Second, I wrote a column about great disasters in Pittsburgh history, natural and otherwise, that you likely never heard about despite their devastation. From escaped monkeys, to unventilated tunnels, to train wrecks, floods, fires, and things just going KABLOOEY without warning. There’s even an accompanying CityCast Pittsburgh podcast episode where I chat about this column. Fun!
A few other history things from me:
I’ll be giving a lunchtime talk at South Park Library on October 8 where I’ll be presenting the Great Fire of 1845 that destroyed 1/3 of downtown Pittsburgh. If you’ve never heard me teach history, you’re in for a treat because it’s fun, visual and informative, and just a bit dorky like me. It’s free so register here and come say hello and get your learn on.
Finally, I did a podcast with my pals at AwesomeCast to chat about my writing, my work and the new PastFinders app. I had a blast. Have a listen here. There are also lots of video clips on Instagram. Download the app here. I’m so excited to tell you that the Pittsburgh Film Office will be putting walking tours on the app featuring iconic filming spots around the region. How fun! I’ll keep you posted on when those tours are live.
What a delicious plethora of ghoulishness and gourds! Is that too long for a band name? Or maybe that’s my new gravestone epitaph? Email signoff? Autobiography title? So many possibilities! Anyway, who even knows when the next edition of the newsletter with come out, so let’s get our Burghy spooky season merchandise gift guide out now. Lots of local awesomeness in here from decor to candles to even a glow-in-the-dark Terrible Towel for all your nighttime twirling needs (clockwise from top left):
Eat ‘n Park Halloween Smiley Cookie long sleeve shirt, $19.99
Book of Spells Hocus Pocus cake by Oakmont Bakery, $30
Beware the Tunnel Monster shirt by Pittsburgh Personified, $26 and up
Corner steel spiderweb wall decor by Keystone Steel, $82 (pricey but amazeballs)
Plague doctor candle by Wicksburgh (but check out all their spooky candles!), $12
Poe- and Charlie Brown-themed candles by North Avenue Candle Co., $29 and $22
Glass pumpkins (or glass pumpkin workshop) by Pittsburgh Glass Center, various prices. For this one, you can simply walk into the PGC storefront and purchase already made glass pumpkins in a variety of colors and sizes, or you can sign up for a class and create your own!
Get to shopping. Nothing is an ad!
And along those lines, my insanely popular annual Yinzer Holiday Gift Guide will be published a bit before Thanksgiving, so start getting me your suggestions now. Items should be either locally made or made by/for local companies. Does that make sense? You know what I mean. The point is this: local spending.
Kourtney Kardashian came to Pittsburgh and ate at a restaurant and visited a museum it made the local news lolwtfbbq.
DVE Rocks Children’s raised over $1.2 million this year!
The Pittsburgh Pirates ended another losing season with a last-place finish and the fourth-worst record in the whole league. And Bob Nutting will still sleep soundly despite his ongoing deliberate trashing of Roberto Clemente’s legacy-holding ballclub. I hope his socks always feel a little damp and he always feels an itch at the back of his throat that he can’t scratch. I’m nothing if not gently and whimsically evil.
A Riverhounds player has been accused of using a racial slur during a recent match that was subsequently suspended due to the allegation and altercation. YIKES.
This Mt. Washington penthouse for sale is a dream. Gosh. I’m going to buy it with all the money I make from my zombie-crawling-out-of-the-Mon statue idea.
I should have put this with the other history stuff, but I’m already down here and so too bad. You can now read my history Master’s thesis on Pittsburgh and the 1918 “Spanish Flu” epidemic in which I tabulated over 3,600 death certificates to determine who died during the outbreak here in Pittsburgh, the city with the highest U.S. death rate. A snippet from the conclusion, of all places:
"Pittsburgh was created out of water and coal. She was built among valleys, ridges, slopes, and flats. She was the product of labor, the mother of smoke, and the father of steel. She was wealth and she was destitution. She was Andrew Carnegie and Henry Clay Frick as much as she was Constantine Uglinski and John Kopinski. She was the peace of a clear night along Millionaire’s Row as much as she was the fiery brutality of hell with the lid taken off. She bent and even broke a time or two under the weight of change, growth, and loss."
Let me know your thoughts if you read it as it really dives into how the city leaders and industrialists let down the working class by way of pollution and overcrowded housing across decades leading into 1918, and thus that’s where the real blame lies.
Have a great week! Don’t litter! Be kind! Tell your dog I said hi! Tell your cat I said [eyes warily with distrust]. Download the PastFinders app! Buy my book! Come see me at South Park Library! Stop being weird about bike lanes! Get your flu and covid shots!
And be sure to come see my band Moses and the Squishy Flopping Fish.
We’re hoping to play at Pittsburgh Winery.
What?
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