kinda personal + laughing at everything

I rode my bike (after knocking down all my housemates bikes + picking them up!!) through the park. Listened to this playlist I’ve had for years as I took a deep breath riding under the trees. I swayed side to side so it felt like I was skateboarding - or wakeboarding - or what must be akin to flying.

I was accidentally right on time for a BRIC concert, so I parked my bike and walked in - chapstick, headphones, keys in my shorts. Usually I’d have a bag full of shit that weighs my shoulder down.

Last year I was here with my best friend of 14 years. He had a tiny chair and it was cute. We met up with someone I was seeing at the time. A few weeks prior, I strolled through a show with someone on a first date - desperate to go home. But not desperate enough to say I had to go?

A few weeks ago I ran into the person I was seeing on the train. They patted my arm and said “it was really good to see you”. Instant analysis - was it actually good to see me? Why was god playing Sims with me right now?

At BRIC, I sat in a plastic folding chair next to someone eating seaweed, who asked the people behind them to please be quiet so they could hear the music. I didn’t even notice there were people talking.

Last two paragraphs:

Don’t put yourself in situations you’d like to run away from. But when you run, run back to yourself…

There’s been seasons where I’ll date and seasons where I don’t even think about it. Somehow, time goes on. It’s less important, honestly maybe not important at all. I’ve learned that I’ve put myself in situations I’d like to run away from and I’d like to stop doing that if I do anything ever at all (+ contribute to mitigating climate change, but that’s for another day).

I’ve loved the same person for about three years. It came at the worst time and looking back it came at the best time. In between, pushing myself to “get out there”, I’ve met people who have become my dear friends, and some that I’ll likely never see again. I’m learning that love is expansive. Romance isn’t just for partners. Love isn’t just for one person.

In the meantime, I’ve constructed a community and a career that I love. Laughed, cried, laugh-cried, felt grief, joy, contentment. At this point I’ve rode down the hill (MOUNTAIN @Lea) in the park countless times - every time I feel like I’m flying - even if I’m sad.

I’d like to think I’m shedding a layer.

I get nervous sharing this, a window into the personal - thinking I’ll hurt someone’s feelings in the process. Callback to an earlier post, if I want people to be vulnerable with me, I have to be vulnerable with them. If I do hurt your feelings, I’m sorry. It’s not personal to you, it’s personal to me and I’m learning how to take up space.

We do the yoga, the meditation, drink the green juice, but how do we respond when someone chews with their mouth open? When we realize this is not it, and we miss someone else? How do we tend to ourselves when we realize we’re not okay? Love yourself first. Friends also first (tie). If you find yourself in a situation you don’t want to be in, come back to yourself. Then maybe write it down so you can laugh about it later.

I started taking notes of things that happened on dates that I needed to turn into a joke. Otherwise I’d get sad and it’s actually a waste of my time to be sad about this. Ignoring me while watching I Think You Should Leave is absolutely hilarious. That show is funny but I am funnier and also prettier.

Anywhoooo - we can all relate in some way. Your intuition is correct. Love that person you’ve loved for years and have boundaries that can shift. Like water, soft and strong.

If you’re my friend and you’re reading this, thank you and I love you! If you recognize yourself in this, I’m sorry again but also you should say sorry! We have to laugh at everything.

Xo

Liv