Nearing the end of a chapter

Here’s the context for this journal excerpt.

I pick up my journal after a Waking Up meditation session. I realize I haven’t written in it since mid-March, but entries are scattered far apart. Only 4 entries this month, and the previous month had 4 as well. The idea I open with is that my journal is nearing its end with only 5 or so pages left, so I’ve subconsiously been avoiding writing in it.

Let’s explore what I wrote today, March 24th, 2026.

Hi journal,

Our time is quickly coming to an end. I found that I’ve been avoiding these entries because I didn’t want to lose this experience of writing in you. The irony is that I still lose that experience because I don’t want to lose it.

Does that say something about the nature of reality (of mind)? When you focus on what you don’t want, it happens. So, when you focus on what you do want, does it also manifest?

Meditation gave me a bit more “closeness” to the experience of writing that. I realized that sensations appear but then disappear so quickly. As does my life thus far. A stream of consciousness has pervaded existence for as long as I can remember. What does it all mean for “me” — the one who observes? And why?

It’s like I was dropped off from somewhere on this called Earth, or wherever your vantage point is, Universe 7 (Dragon Ball Super reference), or Bexar County. I don’t reflect this deeply as often as I did when I was a kid, but it feels relevant again for some reason.

I’m forced to “continue” living with the identity that’s been established for me thus far. After writing, I’ll proceed to work, write for my other newsletter—edging this topic, eat breakfast, talk with my family, and play basketball. But what of it?

I grow closer to God in that identity sense, but does it lead me closer to the truth or further abstracted from it in a web of the narrative called life, where there is some semblance of structure and order?

At this moment, I feel the only thing that will reveal (if at all) is meeting God through some mystical experience from pursuing or death and the afterlife. I don’t know, but I have hope that he will reveal it at some point.

Lately, I’ve been getting into the supernatural context of the bible. I’ve been reading The Unseen Realm by Michael Heiser (RIP). It’s been calling out to me for a while, so I found the audiobook on Spotify.

Last month, I read Four Thousand Weeks by Oliver Burkeman. It was a good reflection on what it means to live. SPOILER: It has a lot to do with just paying attention to what you value right now and being okay with letting less important things left undone, even if forever undone.

I allude to these lessons in my recent letter on New Creation

I decide to write my journal entries with the assumption that few people will read them, if any.

My goal is just to write more intentionally for my own reflections and publish them with the possibility of finding a friend, giving someone hope, or just having my kids read my thoughts in case I die early.

Either way, I’m an odd guy, so this is what I do “for fun” when I’m not plugged into the matrix (even though this is something like a sub-matrix).