Looking for Validation in All the Wrong Places

This is the essay I’ve wanted to write since day one yet it’s taken the longest to finish.

I knew validation needed to be the next topic. It was central to my Hollywood experience, but every time I approached the subject, something was off. It wasn’t until a weekend in Joshua Tree where I found the missing piece.

No, it wasn’t a mushroom journey…it was the final course of healer training certification with David Elliott. I committed to this program, based on breathwork, because it became one of the few practices that consistently got me out of my own head. At the end of the retreat, I recorded a video of my accomplishment. At one point, I said out loud: “I am proud of myself.”

After a few takes, this line kept showing up. It turned out to be a rare moment where I had truly felt validated over the last few months…not by anyone else, but myself. I knew that the importance of self-validation was the anchor of this essay, but I really needed to feel it to move forward.

Mistaking Approval for Worth

When I hear the word validation, I think of the external version: approval by anyone or anything outside of yourself. It could be peers, a superior or an institutional gatekeeper. In any competitive industry, external validation is coveted because ‘success’ usually follows. I’m using air quotes for ‘success’ as it is relative, and I am defining this version by measurements of recognition, relevance, and money…in that order.

External validation has been the wind in my sails for quite some time. It’s connected to being seen and belonging, but it was much deeper than that as I was also mistaking it for self-worth. With the advent of social media, validation from a cultural standpoint is already amplified. In Hollywood, it is supercharged. The absence of it can feel isolating while the constant presence of it can be intoxicating – the latter will get your head quite fast.

Validation acts as an approval stamp. These stamps are worn as a badge of honor as they represent ‘success.’ Understandable…wins should be celebrated! But when these moments start to feel more like flex or displayed proof for others to witness, it stops being a celebration and becomes a performance. As a result, ego inflates while essence dissipates. The more these moments define you and your values, the easier it becomes to lose sight of your own.

I reflect on how validation affected my time as a talent agent. The job is a lifestyle — ask anyone who is in the trenches. You had to be available at all times which required being plugged in, always. Acts of service have been my way of showing love, which made people-pleasing in a service-forward business a slippery slope. ‘Success’ was measured through output. Proving yourself to others was essential. Recognition from clients, superiors, or the industry at large was the only way to thrive, let alone survive.

The more I committed to that lifestyle, the harder it became to separate my identity from my job. Every email felt important, every win felt personal, and every setback felt like a reflection on me. As I booked the shows, signed the clients, and celebrated the wins – ‘success’ followed. That felt good, and it made me go back for more. I was conditioned into this never-ending cycle of approvals; however, this programming went deeper than just a Hollywood experience.

Breaking the Cycle

Growing up, it was modeled to me that work was the priority. A majority of our family trips revolved around it. That emphasis often meant quality time was interrupted because duty called. Not to say we didn’t have wonderful times together, but I knew early on that I didn’t want to adopt that same precedent. One thing was certain: the importance of work was ever present. Its relationship to identity and the ‘success’ it brought left an imprint. That imprint became part of the DNA of my self-worth.

As I had built a career dependent on others’ approval, I became more and more amenable towards clients and superiors in order to stay in good graces. It culminated into setting aside my instincts and following suit. I wasn’t able to fully trust my own voice — I forgot what that felt like. I really became aware of this cycle after I left the Hollywood bubble.

I started publishing essays, making videos and showing up online in a new, vulnerable way. Finally starting to trust my own voice and having the courage to do so in a public forum. My intention was to share my experience in a way that I know so many others inside the machine can relate to but the underlying motivation had remained the same.

The people I wanted to reach did not show up. They were silent. They unsubscribed. All of that ‘success’ I had worked so hard for just disappeared. The industry insiders I'd been chasing approval from were the same ones I was still fixated on after I left.

As my past life moved further in the rearview mirror, it gave me no choice but to start looking for other versions of validation…who knew it was inside of me the whole time.

Reconnecting to My Essence

The ones who have been showing up are former classmates, old friends, and people who’ve known me through various chapters of my life. These interactions don’t feel like another hit of validation, but rather an acknowledgement. A nod. Support with no strings attached. It’s love. What they are reflecting back to me is something more powerful than any industry insider could validate…they are reminding me of the charismatic, bright, and bold person I have always been underneath the title – my true essence.

The pranayama breathwork I’ve been trained in has helped me reconnect with what’s underneath. The breath quiets my mind and lets hidden emotions rise to the surface instead of staying stuck in my body. One of the foundations in Elliott’s training is self-love…harder than it sounds! Without it, you look for love in all the wrong places. That’s where approval-seeking comes in. The self-validation I felt in that video is what I’d been building toward…it has become the new foundation of my self-worth.

Slowing down from the lifestyle I was so accustomed to has enabled me to become even more open to where this all leads. Whether that’s learning new skills, traveling to unfamiliar places, or dedicating the proper time to self-care rituals, I am reconnecting with my essence. My version of success is defined by spending more time with my wife, surrounding myself by nature, and continuing to trust my voice.

That is all the validation I need.