The Mother Inside

Dear little Willow,

Oh sweetheart, I know it wasn’t easy coming into this world the way you did. Of course those popcorn bags and empty coffee cups covering the car dashboard disgusted you and of course you are petrified by anything that resembles being smothered by the one who birthed you. There’s nothing wrong with you and I am so sorry you had to live through everything you did.

I understand how being bossy and recoiling like a turtle in a shell felt like the only way to bring order when everything was chaotic. Your adaptations have helped us survive. I honor and appreciate your insistence on staying protected from the things and people who don’t feel safe to you. Thank you for listening to your needs.

I want to tell you that I am 32 now and when you recoil in an effort to protect us today, you actually cost me intimacy. Now, it is safe to experience the love we learned to fear. I know you’re afraid of being devoured in that terrifying way again but I promise that the only love that I will let into our life is the safe kind-like mama Marna’s sweet love.

I want you to know that I, wise adult Willow, am here now and I’m driving the car of our life. You get to crawl into the backseat in your deluxe car seat, eat a salty seaweed snack and take the nap you always deserved.

I know that sometimes after Manny makes us delicious chocolate chip cookies and his hands are covered in melting butter, you flash back to the popcorn bags on the dash. I want you to know that you don’t have to handle any of that. My relationship with Manny is not your responsibility. He is the most beautiful man and a dream partner to me and I know you can feel the love that fills our house. You get to enjoy that now too!

I know screaming your ghostly crying twin sister into the closet felt like the only way to survive your confusing family constellation but it is safe to unlock the door and let her out now, cobwebs and all. I’m going to take care of her and clean her wounds. You don’t have to worry about that. You will be safe and bringing her out into the light makes us all more free.

When you notice yourself feeling upset for any reason, you can always come talk with me. You can sit on my lap and I’ll wipe your tears or read your favorite book. I’ll keep the kitchen squeaky clean and sweep the floor for you- you don’t have to worry about that. Your job now is to focus on being a kid. For real. You are a magical ray of light in our world. It’s time for you to enjoy the sun, do cartwheels in the grass and run around barefoot!

You get to experience me as your mama now and we get to relive those first years of life in a new way. This time, in the beautiful and safe family I’ve created with Manny. I’ve got you, girl. The pain you experienced never should have happened. I’m here now and I’m not going anywhere.

Curl up and take a nap. When you wake up we can sing and dance to Paul McCartney just how you like.

And when you feel any scared feelings bubble up, know that I will give you all the space you need. I’ll be here to give you a big hug when you’re ready. We can take a big deep breath together and you can fall into my warm and wide open arms.

I love you forever,

I’m sending love to all of the aching hearts and all of the beautiful mamas of our world.

My 1:1 coaching focused on embodiment, sacred intimacy and relationships is thriving and I would love to support you in opening to love, too. You can learn more and book a 60 minute connection call to see how this deep exploration of creating and sustaining healthy relationships could serve you at willowbrook.love. Whether or not we end up working together this hour together will give you a valuable and delicious taste of opening to love. Feel free to respond to this post with any questions you might have.