“Kieran Tierney should’ve skied it”. Given the diaspora-transcending euphoria when Scotland reached a first (men’s) World Cup in 28 years, it took something particularly egregious to make multiple social media fans to go viral for wishing the spectacular goal that secured qualification out of existence.
Not even the Trump-Infantino axis of draconian immigration rules and remorseless price-gouging elicited such a response, but for long-suffering Scots a far worse apparition has darkened the online and media landscape: crap world cup songs.
Here is a far-from-exhaustive list….
Scottish rock legends Belle and Sebastian drastically out of their comfort zone:
The guy who did the Wellerman during lockdown re-releasing an old single with the lyrics changed to make it about the world cup like Bill Nighy in Love Actually:
Celtic rock band Skerryvore eschewing their traditional roots for something more ‘accessible’
A dance act called ‘The Scheme’ who decided to remix football crowd noises with bagpipes
These middle class teenagers:
This middle class teenager using the same sample as Pitbull and J-Lo did in On the Floor:
This Gerry Cinnamon impersonator:
This one that came up whilst searching for one of the others:
Even Irn Bru got in on the act with a kind of musical theatre-soft rock ballad featuring Susan Boyle, which has caused their (controversially English) ad agency to catch some strays:
The only one whose overall sentiment is positive is a simple but catchy dance anthem by comedian JJ Bull which achieves the rare plaudit of being football literate and not trying too hard. Most Scotland fans actually really like it and he’s taken it on a world cup tour.
Apart from that last one the general consensus is that this is a remarkable concentration of the worst music ever made. The lesson? The sheer volume of the cacophony of novelty songs vying to assault just over 10 million Scottish ears shows the immense gravity of the world’s biggest sporting event for the fame-hungry, the cynical and the delulu.
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