Reading · Body-Positive Home with Zoë Bisbing

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Every week, I hear from parents whose kids’ relationships with food are being policed—by school professionals, coaches, and other well-meaning adults who think they’re helping.

Sometimes it’s a teacher praising a child who “chose carrots instead of cookies.”
Sometimes it’s a coach encouraging kids to “burn off” their pizza party.
And sometimes it’s something as simple as a word or facial expression that slips out without thought or consideration for how deep an impact it may have inside a child’s body memory.

Here’s one message that recently caught my eye:

Dear Zoë,
“My 2-year-old came home from preschool saying her quesadilla was ‘nasty.’ I was confused — I packed it myself that morning. When I asked the teacher, she explained that my daughter had been eating the sour cream with a spoon, so she told her it was ‘yucky’ and instructed her to dip the quesadilla instead. She also mentioned that kids and teachers often talk about foods they like or don’t like at the lunch table. My daughter came home convinced her quesadilla was gross. I’m so upset. We are so intentional about food and language around food at home.”
—Kayla

To be clear, I have no trouble imagining that this teacher is a well-meaning adult trying to guide a messy eater. I can picture the scene: a gaggle of toddlers at the lunch table, chatter, crumbs and chaos everywhere, an overworked teacher doing their best to keep order. Maybe even trying to model what they believe are “good manners,” or even worried that a parent might complain if all their child seemed to eat was sour cream.

But for a 2-year-old, or a child of any age, for that matter, this moment represents what could be the very first rupture in both food and body trust.

In a single exchange, a child learns that the way she eats, and even the way she enjoys food, can be judged. What felt like joy (the fun of licking sour cream off a spoon 😋) is suddenly “wrong.” What felt safe is suddenly uncertain.

For young kids, every bite is about so much more than nutrition…it’s about agency. Feeding oneself, wielding a spoon, deciding what and how to eat are milestones in both motor and emotional development. They’re how children learn I can do things myself. They’re also the earliest expressions of autonomy and self-trust: taking in energy that will fuel my body, on my own terms. When that process is interrupted, even in subtle ways, the lesson shifts from “I can trust myself” to “someone else knows better.”

When a teacher labels a food “yucky,” even casually, the child’s implicit learning may be: My taste is wrong. My curiosity is embarrassing. My body’s way of enjoying food isn’t okay.
Those beliefs can set the stage for increased hesitation around new foods, anxiety about eating in front of others, or even shame about bodily sensations like hunger or pleasure.

To be clear, this teacher isn’t a “bad guy”. I think it’s wise to assume good intentions, backed by limited education around what actually nurtures a healthy relationship with food in young children. That said, I take stories like this seriously because they illustrate what I mean when I say a child’s relationship with food and body can be held hostage.

Now, you may read this and say, “Zoë, this is overkill… it’s just one moment… let it go.” And honestly, that would be your prerogative. I’m not here to decree that every food comment warrants a confrontation (they don’t). But moments like this do accumulate…a slow erosion of body trust that starts long before kids have the language to tell us it’s happening. Every small correction, every joke, every “yuck” or “too much” chips away at the sense that food is safe, bodies are trustworthy, and eating is an act of self-connection rather than obedience.

If you’ve been attending my 10 Core Beliefs of a Body-Positive Home workshop series, you know that next Friday, May 15th at 2pm EST, we’ll cover our final core belief: INCONVENIENT ACTIVISM…and moments exactly like this are what require it.

Workshops + all replays in library are available for $8/month or $80/year!

Protecting kids from food and body shame requires an aggravating amount of advocacy from caregivers. We are often the only ones in the room trained to recognize the subtle food and body policing that everyone else overlooks.

In this workshop, I’ll teach concrete skills for navigating moments like:

setting boundaries with in-laws who just don’t get it — without blowing up the relationship
responding to food-policing teachers and school staff
advocating for weight neutral healthcare at the doctor
speaking up in sports, dance, and activity spaces where body talk gets normalized

Because knowing what you believe is one thing. Knowing how to protect those beliefs in the real world, while staying regulated and interpersonally effective, is an entirely different skill set.

As a sneak peek, I want to share some tips I’ve adapted from the wisdom of an actual FBI hostage negotiator, applied to a sample email I would absolutely send if the quesadilla/sour cream incident involved my own kid.

Chris Voss 101: 7 Negotiation Tactics Every Parent Can Use

Chris Voss, former FBI hostage negotiator and author of Never Split the Difference, teaches that the most powerful way to influence others is through something called tactical empathy…and I absolutely love it. As parents invested in strengthening the protective factors in our children’s body trust journeys, I think it’s fair to view at least one aspect of our inconvenient activism as the art of influence. Not criticizing. Not escalating. Influencing. Helping the adults around our children better understand how seemingly small moments around food and bodies can shape the way kids learn to relate to themselves.

Below are seven negotiation tactics Voss teaches that can help lower defensiveness, increase collaboration, and keep discussions productive. You can add these to your interpersonal effectiveness toolbox for all sorts of difficult conversations. Then, for our purposes here, I’ll show you how I applied them in a mock email responding to the quesadilla/sour cream incident:

1. Accusation Audit

Start by naming the negative assumptions or frustrations the other person may already be holding. When people feel understood instead of attacked, defensiveness drops.

2. Active Listening

Listen for the deeper concerns, pressures, or motivations underneath someone’s words. Understanding what matters to them helps you navigate the conversation more effectively.

3. Tactical Empathy

Demonstrate genuine curiosity about how the situation may look or feel from the other person’s perspective. Feeling understood helps people lower their guard and become more collaborative.

4. Pay Attention to Communication Patterns

Notice not just what someone says, but how they say it. Tone, pacing, overexplaining, or abrupt shifts can tell you a lot about stress, discomfort, or defensiveness.

5. Use Calm Tone and Body Language

People co-regulate with each other. A calm tone, steady pacing, and non-threatening body language can help keep difficult conversations from escalating.

6. Ask Open-Ended Questions

Questions that begin with “how” or “what” invite collaboration and problem-solving instead of pushing people into defensiveness.

7. Aim for a Win-Win Outcome

The goal is not domination, humiliation, or “beating” the other person. The strongest negotiations end with both parties feeling heard, respected, and more willing to work together moving forward.

What This Looks Like in Practice

Here’s how I would bring these to life in the quesadilla/sour cream incident using these tools:

Hi [Teacher’s Name],
I hope you are doing well. I wanted to check in about lunch the other day. I can imagine it must have looked surprising to see a 2-year-old spooning sour cream instead of dipping her quesadilla. I can only imagine the mess it may have caused.
At the same time, I was concerned when my daughter came home saying her quesadilla was “nasty.” At two years old, words from grown-ups really stick. Even lighthearted comments can land as shaming, which I am certain was not your intention.
What I’ve learned is that kids explore food the same way they learn other developmental skills, like holding a pencil. Some get it quickly, others take longer, and almost all go through clumsy stages before it looks “typical.” Eating is no different.
How do you usually handle it when kids eat in a way that looks different, or when other children comment negatively on someone’s food?
It would really help if the language could stay neutral—like “different” or “not my taste”, instead of “yucky.” That way the kids can keep experimenting without feeling like they might be doing something wrong.
I know lunchtime with so many littles can get busy. You do so much to keep things running smoothly, and I appreciate it. Would it be too much to ask that the language used around food and the children stay neutral? I am happy to share some examples if that could be helpful.
Warmly,
Zoë

Initiating conversations and sending emails like this can feel incredibly vulnerable for parents for so many reasons. We may not want to put teachers or caregivers on the spot. We may struggle to ask for what we need in general. We may worry about being perceived as “difficult,” overly sensitive, or high-maintenance. And unlike advocating around a physical allergy or injury, we are trying to take care of something far more intangible, but I would argue as important: our children’s developing relationship with food, body, and self.

Don’t miss the workshop on Friday, May 15th at 2pm on Zoom (or catch the replay!), where we’ll unpack more examples like this and talk through how to advocate collaboratively and effectively when body trust collides with everyday diet culture moments.

When a child's relationship with food and body is held hostage, we need FBI Negotiation skills

Chris Voss 101: 7 Negotiation Tactics Every Parent Can Use

What This Looks Like in Practice

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