It Wasn’t Sex. I Wanted to Be Seen.

B has really been on my mind recently. And then I saw his face while flipping through films last night.

“This is B’s new film” I said, clicking past it.

“Put the trailer on! Let’s see!” my sister said excitedly. The trailer began to play. “Oh he’s like the main part. It’s his film,” she said.

“Yep,” I said.

“He looks so good. He’s so you,” she said.

“Yep,” I said.

“Oh, you done fucked up,” she said.

“Yep,” I said.

I didn’t think I was cheating at the time. I had twisted myself up in knots and rewritten the story in my head so well that the facts were blurry even to myself. But technically, I crossed a line. More than once. More than twice. In fact, once he stopped looking at me, I started reaching sideways so often I lost count. I became porous.

And I didn’t even have to lie. That was the worst part. He wasn’t looking at me anyway. He didn’t ask. I wanted him to ask me where I’d been. Who I’d been with. But he never did. Not once. Maybe that’s why I thought I was innocent.

I didn’t want sex.

How boring. How transactional.

I wanted to be seen.

I had become invisible inside my own relationship, and when someone finally looked at me again, really looked, I couldn’t stop going back for more.

I didn’t lie. I didn’t sneak. I didn’t even hide it. He just wasn’t looking.
And when no one is watching you, it’s easy to convince yourself you’re still behaving.

THEN

Wednesday, 5 March 2025

8:22 am
MM didn’t talk to me at all yesterday. He didn’t respond to my texts. He didn’t reach out at all. This isn’t good and it isn’t normal.

No matter how many times I tell myself it is. It’s not normal.

I feel anxious and paranoid and my mind is spinning out of control with a million what-ifs. I bet he’s just been getting on with his life as normal and that’s almost worse. I’m losing my mind and he’s just sat at home doing fuck all, not giving me a second thought.

Friday, 7th March 2025

8:50 am
I can’t believe it’s Friday already. I’m on my way to the gym. I stayed at MM’s last night. He’s being totally fine and normal but he’s distant. For instance, I wore my brand new lingerie last night and he barely flinched when he saw it. He claimed he was tired but I know him. I can feel it. I can see it. He’s not like before. It leaves me wondering if this is just the way things are now or if things will return to the way they were. When he used to gasp at the mere sight of me.

One Week Later

Friday, 14th March 2025

4:23 pm
I have done nothing all day. Why? Because we went out last night and I had too much fun.

Who is we, you ask? Good question.

To explain, I have to go back to Wednesday night.

I was at MM’s house making dinner when my phone buzzed. It was a location share from none other than B.

He’s in London.

I responded politely: Welcome to London.

And then my phone was ringing. B was flashing on my screen.

I ignored the call and carried on with my cooking. Too in love to care this time.

So… Who was I out with? Well, N invited Pickle and me to the opening of a new club. After my day of doctors and therapists and energy-sucking dreary, grey London skies, it was taking quite some energy on my part to find the will to go. N called to discuss outfits and that just about gave me the dopamine I needed to begin getting ready but as I added layers of eyeshadow to my lids, I could feel it depleting and I knew it wouldn’t last long enough to even get me through the preliminaries.

Dopamine, dopamine, dopamine. Where could I possibly get some more of that?

Cute outfit, done. Hair, makeup, sister, friends. Done, done, done and done. Still nothing.

Hm.

“Pickle, will you judge me if I invite B tonight?” I yelled at my sister from the hallway.

“Nope! I support women’s rights and women’s wrongs,” she yelled back.

I’ve raised a fucking monster.