plaintiff: trennette from houston, texas. trennette glides into the courtroom in a pair of tight white cigarette pants and one of those v-neck sweaters with the fake camisole built in, and when the hell are we bringing those back? i hate wearing two shirts, but every now and then i wouldn’t mind serving two-shirt illusion! her sweater is black with a piece of white fabric (what is that called?) sticking out of the v with another piece of white fabric sewn under the bottom hem. she looks so chic, especially since she got a fresh silk press on her way to the studio. her hair is fucking laid, her glasses make her look extremely smart, and her undershirt isn’t bunching up or twisting around or statically sticking to her sweater because it doesn’t exist. she’s already a winner.
defendant: joseph from chicago, illinois. joseph stunts his way into the courtroom with a fresh fade/goatee trim, wearing a dark slate suit coupled with a dove grey shirt and deep grey tie. is this maybe the fanciest suit that has ever been modeled on daytime television? he looks like he’s going to church on easter! haha what if an angel had rolled the stone away from the tomb and found a $200 double-breasted wool blend suit inside? i love this, peacocking onto a fake courtroom set in your best man suit from your brother’s wedding three years ago. joseph clearly likes the way he looks, i guarantee it.
the complaint: trennette and joseph used to be in a relationship, but she broke up with him because he cheated on her and now she is suing him for an unpaid loan!
what does she want: $2000
how it went down: trennette says that she and joseph reconnected a few years ago when she was looking for an apartment and joseph happened to be the leasing agent. this is a terrible idea, even before i find out how badly he wronged her. you can’t date the dude who runs your credit check and calls all your old landlords to confirm you paid on time +/- didn’t destroy the radiator and knows both where you work and might eventually live, depending on what that slumlord with the roach problem says about your history. that’s too much of a power imbalance!! no good can come from romantically entertaining a man who already knows your credit score!!!!!
turns out trennette didn’t lease the place, but she did get a dinner invitation from the lessor. she says everything was great with joseph at first, they had fun hanging out and discovered they had a bunch of mutual friends from high school. she describes him as “a good guy, a real charmer” who would often cook dinner for her and run bubble baths. the dinners sound nice but fuck that bath business. doesn’t everybody have, like, bathroom stuff they need to do before getting in the tub? i’m not even talking about pooping and peeing although of course you need to do those things too, i mean i don’t want to brush my teeth while scrolling on my phone in the moist, swampy air created by fifty gallons of boiling water that smells like eucalyptus!
trennette says she and joseph dated for a relatively short time, and when the judge asks why they broke up she says, “probably for the same reason we shouldn’t have gotten together in the first place.” why, because he didn’t warn you about the lack of water pressure in the shower? afraid not, it seems that joseph started this new relationship with trennette without being fully disentangled from his previous one. tsk tsk! trennette says one night they were eating the dinner he’d made when his phone started blowing up, one call after another after another. he ignored the ringing phone (why! the jig is up!!) until eventually the doorbell started frantically ringing.
why is everyone dumb? here’s how i would’ve played it: okay so trennette is at my crib, relaxing on my plush couch with her feet up, gorgeous and sexy smooth jazz playing softly from a shitty bluetooth speaker. i’m in the kitchen, wearing a tuxedo, cooking this crispy chicken and brussels sprouts meal i make so often i could do it in my sleep, but she doesn’t have to know that!! i’m making a fancy salad with herbs, i’m opening whatever wine the man at the fancy liquor store told me to buy, i’m serving it on my fanciest plates at the dining table i never use with a couple taper candles i keep around for if the power goes out. we’re eating, we’re eating and we’re laughing, we’re eating and we’re laughing and we’re sipping our wine and then my phone rings, but neither of us knows it because that shit is silently on do not disturb face down on the kitchen counter. as far as trennette knows, i don’t even own a fucking cell phone! we’re having a great meal that i cooked, the conversation is off the charts because i’m so funny and charming, and i’ve retrieved my phone to switch the playlist from dinner accompanying smooth jazz to sexual relations accompanying smooth jazz, when all of a sudden our foreplay is interrupted by an impatient knock on the door. i glance at my missed calls: shit, my old bitch was blowing my shit up, and now she’s about to act a fool on my fucking porch. i tell trennette to relax, pour her a digestif, and tell her i have to run out and get one of the components i need for our dessert. i’m not making dessert, but she doesn’t fucking know that!!! bye, bitch!!!!!!! i slip outside, and the first thing i do is tell that other woman to stop banging on my fucking door has she lost her fucking mind??? i tell her that my homies are over watching the game (it doesn’t matter which one) and that she’s embarrassing me in front of my friends. “you expect me to believe that? i can hear you playing lewis taylor’s under-appreciated 2002 smash from the day we met part 2! you’re playing that for a friend you don’t wanna have sex with?” this is where i laugh like “girl you so crazy” and take her hand before gently leading her to her car, mumbling something about needing to restock the bar before halftime is over. she still doesn’t quite believe me, but what’s she gonna do, break the door down? i tuck her into her car and watch as she drives away, before getting in my car and driving around the block because of course i forgot my wallet and can’t go to the store. i return home where trennette has been sneakily looking through my stuff trying to figure out whether or not i’m a piece of shit, pretend not to notice that my dresser drawers are a little askew and my phone is locked down after too many password attempts, then we start ripping each other’s clothes off. oh, you thought she wasn’t gonna fuck me? you underestimate the power of anita baker’s been so long!!
the ruling: hold up, i wrote that fanfiction while the episode was paused and as soon as i clicked play again trennette was in the middle of saying “i looked at his phone and jotted the number down because i knew i would need it for future reference.” am i psychic? the look on joseph’s face is like she just admitted to being an alien, lolllll i guess he didn’t know. trennette says that they continued to date for four or five months until one day she was in his apartment alone and went to throw out a kleenex and saw a used condom in the wastebasket in his bedroom. that kind of arrogance is soooooo crazy to me, brother you didn’t have a mcdonald’s bag you could ball up to conceal it? was walking a few yards to the gross kitchen trash that no one would ever go through too hard??? if i have something to hide in the trash i’m cleaning out the cat box on top of it, i’m dumping out the rotted leftovers, i’m puking in there—whatever i gotta do. trennette used the number she had saved and called it, and joseph’s ex-girlfriend answered and admitted everything to her. trennette says she ended the relationship, but if she really had we wouldn’t be here seeing about this money.
joseph says the real reason they broke up is because her family “attacked him after the accident.” EXCUSE ME, WHAT ACCIDENT? joseph says that the two of them were in the car, he was driving, and they were broadsided. trennette interjects to say that joseph was driving with a goddamn attitude (my words) because she wouldn’t stay the night, and he ran a light while attempting a left turn and they were t-boned on trennette’s side. joseph starts double-talking the way people do when they’re lying, saying that the relationship wasn’t over at the time of the crash and then trennette got married behind his back (JUICY!!!!!!!!), but trennette says that she didn’t get married until much later because SHE WAS IN A GODDAMN COMA.
my brother in christ, my daddy would’ve jumped on you in the hospital, too! a coma??? shit, every generation past and present would rain fire on that hospital!!! trennette says that joseph only visited her once during the months she was in a coma and her family thought that maybe he’d caused the accident on purpose. that seems like a stretch? but i get it, your kid is comatose and the man she was with at the time she was hurt isn’t pulling any shifts at her bedside, of course your imagination cooks up the most diabolical explanations.
trennette says that she was in the hospital for five months (omg) and is permanently disfigured and disabled on her right side. and she still loaned him money after this? god bless, it couldn’t be me. trennette says she prayed on it and decided to talk to joseph again because she had empathy for how he must be feeling after having caused another person permanent damage. i’d be in a psych ward somewhere if i put somebody in a coma, but does joseph actually feel guilty? it doesn’t seem like he does!
they were in the process of repairing a friends-only relationship when joseph fell on some hard times. trennette was doing pretty good, so she offered to loan him money, with the caveat that he had to provide her with a promissory note. joseph says they spent the day together and went out for a lovely dinner, after which they went to his house and “one thing led to another.” he says that when he woke up the next morning trennette had left two thousand dollars on his nightstand, like he was a gigolo. OKAY SIR i, too, have seen the movie boomerang. get outta here!!!!! joseph says that he felt great, like she was saying “job well done!” trennette asks him if that were the case, why did he then sign a promissory note? (do you guys think he signed it with his penis)
joseph says he has no recollection of signing a promissory note but come on man, this is a lady who wrote down a random number calling your phone, you think she doesn’t have a copy of that note in every room of her house??? trennette gives greg the note, he gives it to joseph, asking if that is indeed his signature, then joseph stares intently at the sheet of paper for a few seconds before sighing heavily. yeah, just like we thought. judgment for the plaintiff!!!!!!!!!
did uncle greg say anything fucked up to anyone: “so what you’re saying is, he was fixing up bubble baths for more women than just you?”
*bangs gavel*
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