plaintiff: debra from madison, wisconsin. ooh, i love when people come to fake television court dressed like it’s real. debra walks down the courtroom catwalk dressed in a pinstripe black suit paired with a periwinkle shirt, gold hoop earrings, gold chains, and a bunch of gold rings on her fingers. i fucking love it, she looks incredible. debra is a short, stocky middle-aged white woman with dyed auburn hair and a thick layer of gorgeous red blush and periwinkle eye shadow, details i find important to mention because i accidentally jumped ahead and saw what her boyfriend looks like.
breaking news! i have been mentioned in the press a couple of times recently, always a cause for deep mortification i mean joyful celebration, so please allow me to choke on my own fat cock for one minute: first, i got a shout out in variety for getting fucking fired from the television show shrill eight years ago; truly a hilarious and absurd situation that i had mostly forgotten about, and now i am irritated anew! second, emma sarappo from the atlantic (v smart, v journalistic, extremely legit magazine) is literally in love with me, therefore earning my undying love in return. not my silly piss-and-shit books gracing the same esteemed publication as ta-nehisi coates once did???
defendant: edward from milwaukee, wisconsin. THIS IS MY SON. this is the man that i gave birth to twenty-seven years ago after forest whitaker made tender, romantic love to me after hours on the set of ghost dog: the way of the samurai. no for real, this tall, husky bespectacled brother is an exact facsimile of the child that would spring forth fully formed from my brow after i swallowed his father if i was an ancient greek myth instead of a clown born in the 80s and raised on redd foxx. anyway, samantha irby jr is dressed in a black zip up sweater coupled with a black t-shirt and black slacks, an outfit samantha irby sr would wear every single day if she ever had to leave her home. like father, like son.
the complaint: debra says she met edward online and believed they were in an exclusive relationship, but claims she later learned he was also dating another woman. debra is suing edward for unpaid loans and half the cost of a vacation!
what does she want: $3021 (that is too specific to not be a real amount)
how it went down: debra says she met ed in june on BLACK PEOPLE MEET DOT COM. i just busted out laughing, not because i’m making fun of her, but guess who also fucked some fat black dudes off that website? i’m not gonna doxx anyone because i’m too broke to get sued but let’s just say every black person i know (of a certain age) including myself has hooked up with someone off that bpm. idk what it’s like now but back in the early 00s it was the place to find a sensitive, head-wrapped, chunky accessory-wearing vegetarian incense dude to kick it with for the night. everybody on there looked like fucking raheem devaughn and wore egyptian musk oil, it was an incredible time to be having casual sex!
i’ll tell you what, though: in my day there weren’t any white people on it? maybe a couple of jon b types with high fades and sculpted goatees snuck in, but i don’t remember seeing my local chase bank branch manager trolling for cock on there!!! the judge says, “i’m sorry, you met on what?” and debra says, louder this time and with more enunciation, “Black. People. Meet. Dot. Com.” greg is like, “that’s where you go to meet black people?” and debra says, “and also caucasian people!” not to gatekeep (yes, to gatekeep) but we had to go on there because white dudes on eharmony or wherever were never clicking on our black ass profiles. no one was logging on with the intention of running into their eleventh grade physics teacher! that’s fine girl, who fucking cares sleep with whoever you want, but i need miss debra to be honest about what color meat she was trying to introduce herself to.
greg says that even though it sounds prejudiced everyone is entitled to their preference, then asks debra if she wanted to meet white people, too. she replies, “my preference is black” and okay great i’m glad we got that out of the way! debra says that she and ed got serious as soon as they started dating, and that when they were intimate ed would start talking (the judge, interrupting: “what kind of talking? dirty talking?? what was he saying, is it safe for TV???”) about how she was the only one he wanted to be with. y’all know not to give any weight to the words coming out of the mouth of a person who has an appendage inside of you at the time, right? even if it sounds like real human words, that shit is gibberish and you should ignore it, especially if it sounds like some kind of offer or promise!
AND GREG AGREES. he stops debra and says, “ma’am, let me slow you down. you should know this, but anything said in the heat of intimacy isn’t necessarily true.” he asks edward if it meant any of the things he told her and edward says, “it was just something to say.” for real? why not just say something easy and noncommittal like, “damn, i love that thing you’re doing to my balls” or “hey, use this flashlight and show me where your clitoris is?” shiiiiiiit, i gotta come back next lifetime as a man. anyway debra says she’s not so naive that she’d believe anything he’d said during pillow talk, but isn’t that the foundation of her argument?
debra says that she and ed had talked about moving in together, and that ed was considering leaving the milwaukee police department (where he was a detective) and moving to madison to work in the justice department. they lived eighty miles apart, and debra says ed would often joke around asking her whether or not she’d found him a job yet; to me that just sounds like the kind of joke you make after spending an hour and a half on the highway with a hard dick, not a realistic indication of a potential career change. debra says that one day her ex-sister in law called her for a ride but she told her couldn’t pick her up because she was at her boyfriend’s house in milwaukee. the ex-SIL called a few weeks later just to chitchat, trying to catch up on the new boyfriend goss. debra told her that she was dating a milwaukee cop-turned-detective named ed. the ex-SIL asked for more details, then asked, “is his screen name ‘not into games?’” UH OH. debra told her it indeed had been her man’s online handle, and the ex-SIL said, “wow, i’m dating him, too.”
ed’s tactic is to paint the relationship as unserious by saying that he and debra slept together the same night they met, and that’s fucking cheap. we’re not still doing “she’s a slut, she fucked me on the first date” as an excuse for our shitty behavior, are we? ed says that after they started dating they both left their profiles active on the site, and every time he logged on debra would be on there, too. he makes it sound like she was only online to monitor when he was online and calls her a “stalker,” but that feels harsh? i’m never going to write a dissertation but if i did?? it would absolutely 100% be about the kind of borderline insane shit you do when you are fucking someone who doesn’t really like you that much. on second thought, maybe i’ve already done it.
edward says that debra found out he was on another site from her ex-SIL (doyle the bailiff: “was it meet white people dot com?”) and the next day debra made an account on that site and started sending him chat requests there asking what he was doing and why, if he had time to be online, he wasn’t talking to her. are any murders getting solved in milwaukee? is every fentanyl dealer locked up?? have all the missing children been found??? how does detective nomoregames have all this fucking screen time???? ed says he told debra that he needed space because she was “being a nuisance.” a human male? daring to brand me a nuisance??? i would take my own life!
the ruling: debra says she had planned a vacation to florida with an ex-boyfriend and when she mentioned it to ed he enthusiastically said, “i’d like to go!” she starts talking about how much the trip cost and how after they got back to wisconsin ed told her he didn’t have any money, then greg rudely and lowkey aggressively interrupts her to demand, “why would he have to pay if he was just a stand in for another man?”
okay i got confused, let’s run it back: debra told edward about her upcoming trip, ed said he wanted to go, nobody went. the way she originally worded it, both judge mathis and i thought she’d taken ed on the trip and when they got back he’d refused to give her any money. what actually happened was that ed called debra a week before the trip and said he couldn’t afford to go, and she wants her money back because that didn’t give her enough time to find someone else to take with her on vacation.
now, the loans:
$646 for his half of the trip (it’s unclear to me if he’s really on the hook for that?)
$677 for his energy bill (is this dude running 37 AC units at all times, or)
$298 for his cell phone
$896 for his plasma TV
$500 for his pockets
i’m sorry but this lady is too old to be getting worked like this. i’m not saying this from the top of my soapbox, i absolutely bought a fucking bonehead a playstation for christmas one year; the difference is that i was like nineteen at the time and my brain was made of room temperature unsalted butter. debra appears to be my current age, at minimum. if i buy a man a $900 television that will live in a house where i don’t, i will do so knowing full well that i am tricking. that man is going to try to pay for that TV with his dick, which i cannot apply to the best buy credit card i hastily opened to get 15% off this ill-advised purchase.
edward tries to say that these were all gifts debra insisted on giving him (oh yeah? she was just dying for you to watch the bucks game in 4K???) and greg calls bullshit on that pretty quickly. he does, however, hear ed out on the vacation of it all, because according to the judge a week is plenty of time to (black people) meet someone else to take with you on an all-inclusive vacation. judge mathis tells debra he won’t make ed pay for the aborted vacation but says if she’s that vexed about the other half of the money she should try to find and sue the guy who originally bailed on her, which is hilarious and cold as hell. judgment for debra despite that sick burn, and ACAB!!!!!!!!!!! (all cops are behindontheirphonebills)
did uncle greg say anything fucked up to anyone: “ma’am, i guess it’s okay as long as you aren’t prejudiced against white people, we’re trying to get away from that in this society…………………….i bet you’re one of them obama voters, aren’t ya?”
bangs gavel
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