fun party games to play with your friends

this is how i interview my famous friends.

WOULD YOU RATHER

…fuck a trump supporter OR eat 27 live bees?
first of all, give me the death penalty instead. BUT, if that option is off the table in this extremely plausible hypothetical situation, where can i buy a confederate flag lingerie set i guess!

…be beaten to death by a gorilla OR eaten by a great white shark?
i really had to think about this one? like, both are fucking horrible, but at least if i let titus stomp me out i wouldn’t also have to drown while suffering a horrifically violent and bloody death?????

…sneeze fish OR throw up out of your eyeballs?
babe i’m sneezing smelts, then i am seasoning and battering those smelts before frying them in avocado oil and stuffing them into my body with lemons and tartar sauce until i throw up the regular way.

…fight 10,000 spider-sized lions OR 1 lion-sized spider?
one lion-sized spider. ten thousand is just so fucking many. it would be so exhausting to fight ten thousand of anything. what if you had to deal with ten thousand feathers? or ten thousand pieces of glitter? forget it. let that big boy have me.

…have birds be sexually attracted to you and no one knows OR be sexually attracted to birds and everyone knows?
animal people are crazy as hell and i do not want to be in their crosshairs. also, imagine going to prison for bestiality and everybody’s all excited waiting to hear how you got railed by a donkey and then you have to admit to your fellow inmates that your freaky ass couldn’t stop fucking birds. i’d rather be shanked.

…eat with your butt OR poop from your mouth?
i suspect i’m in the minority here but i would definitely poop from my mouth? at least i could do that in private?? how do i take my buttmouth to a restaurant where other people are eating? what does that look like, me tugging down my elasticized waistband and high-rise 100% cotton briefs (ethically sourced) to, what, hover my raw ass over the table to vacuum up my spaghetti? absolutely not, i will keep a toothbrush and a can of comet in my bag at all times and go on living my life!

…shit yourself every time you get sexually aroused OR say [the forbidden word] randomly in 3% of conversations for the rest of your life?
as a semi-pro pants-shitter on a high dose of libido-torpedoing brain medicines who also happens to be menopausal and repulsed by the human touch, option one doesn’t really scare me. oh no, i’m gonna shit myself once every nine months after two hours of intense concentration? on the other hand, is three really that many percents…………..?

…watch your parents have sex every single day OR join once to stop it?
someone should kill me because i would walk in the room with zero hesitation, jerk my dad off one good time, then go on with the rest of my life pretending it never happened. i gotta watch my mother do doggystyle every single day? every single fucking day? what if it’s always at the same time, like a job or the news, like “sorry can’t hang, babes, gotta go clock in for my shift at the my mom riding my dad factory?” or, worse, what if the viewings happen at random and you know you’re gonna have to witness your dad railing your mom at some point every! goddamn! day! of your miserable existence, but you have to walk around with a dark cloud of dread looming over you because you have no idea when you’re going to turn a corner and accidentally trip over your dad’s dick? absolutely the fuck not, i’m tongue kissing my mom then immediately calling my psychiatrist.

FUCK / MARRY / KILL

judge mathis / judge judy / judge reinhold
fuck judge reinhold i’m sorry, BUT: have you seen beverly hills cop?
marry judge mathis: you already knew i was going to say this but i guess it’s good to officially enter it into the public record.
kill judge judy: sorry if this is anti-feminist but come on now, that voice? imagine her yelling across the house reminding you to switch the laundry! or wondering why you haven’t paid the water bill yet!! or commanding you to eat her ass!!!!!

godzilla / king kong / bigfoot
fuck king kong: don’t make me say it
marry godzilla: the money we’d save on electricity alone!!!!
kill bigfoot: eeee-yuck!

ALF / ET / robin williams as mork
fuck ET: that finger???? HELLO??????????????
marry robin williams as mork: i love having fun!
kill ALF: i’m a cat lady i mean let’s be serious!!

vitamin D / vitamin C / vitamin B12
fuck vitamin C: i’m not sure if it does anything for my immune system but the emergen-c fizzy raspberry is good as hell!
marry vitamin D: as a black person with depression i have been taking vitamin D since i was a wee lass. am i happy? no. is it demonstrably benefitting me in other ways? also no.
kill vitamin b12: last year i had to start going to a hematologist because my iron was dangerously low (if i ever write another book i’ll tell you why) and i told him i was taking sublingual b12 from the grocery store and when he recovered from falling on the ground in hysterical laughter he sent me home with a bunch of needles i had to use to pump red kool-aid directly into my leg muscles; when that didn’t work i started getting weekly iron infusions and i’m better now but fuck this shit! (in the bad way)

NBA ja(y)lens: jalen green / jaylen brown / jalen rose
fuck jaylen brown: his skin glows, his smile is beautiful, overall he is so gorgeous? and i find the hair dye thing endearing!
marry jalen rose: as a michigander with no collegiate allegiance i am contractually bound to say this but also i’m from chicago and he’s always been perfect i love him for real.
kill jalen green: i am truly sorry, young chicken wing.

instagram / tiktok / reddit
fuck tiktok: i am a late adopter (beat it, old) but that algorithm knows me better than my own family and never, ever fails to delight.
marry reddit: i’ve learned more from reddit than i did from high school
kill instagram: i actually love instagram? and have a great time shitposting on it?? but i’d get back, like, two extra hours in my day at least. i had to set a timer on it to rein myself in!!

ronald mcdonald / grimace / mayor mccheese
fuck grimace: gimme that chunky, creamy mcflurry big daddy.
marry mayor mccheese: i am a sucker for a good-looking, powerful, well-connected politician.
kill ronald mcdonald: i’m not letting him get that nasty greasepaint all over my fucking house? imagine snaking clumps of that stringy nylon hair out of the shower drain!

influenza / measles / covid-19
fuck measles: i’m vaccinated, so is this a real problem?
marry influenza: i’m vaccinated, so is this a real problem?
kill covid-19: i still get vaccinated against this too because you know it’s still around, right? and maybe the reason everyone is so fucked up and brain damaged and inexplicably dying from weird shit at age thirty-seven?? i would love for this shit to go away! for good measure why don’t we just rewind the clock to 2018 and fucking stay there forever.

WOULD YOU RATHER

…be drowned in a deep fryer OR go feet first into a wood chipper?
to me the scariest thing about dying is the possibility that my brain, the best and most useful of all my organs, will be the last to go and i will be painfully aware of what is happening to me as it happens. like, i do not want to have thoughts as i am dying, and i’d prefer my brain to be cooked like a donut rather than awkwardly attempting a comedy bit watching as my toes and feet slowly get ripped apart by sharp blades. “hey, i’m walkin’ here! up yours!” (flopsweats as calves get shredded like a head of lettuce)

…pee a little every time you laugh OR fly a little every time you fart?
I AM ALMOST FIFTY YEARS OLD, what pelvic floor?

…mama bird your least favorite food into a stranger’s mouth OR have a stranger baby bird your favorite food into yours?
i’m sorry but i simply cannot be spit into. i hate raw coconut i hate truffle oil i hate beets i hate oysters i hate grapefruit i hate olives i hate chitlins i hate matcha i hate eggplant i hate radishes i hate jello but i would happily fill my mouth with any of them and expectorate the chewed-up mush down a stranger’s throat, even at the risk of some of the juice or slime breaching my own throat, than have something delicious spit down mine. spitting is so fucking crazy. if you spit on me you have to die.

…be an antivaxxer OR a jehovah’s witness?
maybe it’s just because i’ve been fat in america my whole life but i could not give less of a fuck what anyone chooses to put in their body. i don’t fucking care, do whatever you want. i like to put hotdogs in mine, whatever goes in yours is none of my concern. cancel christmas, praise yahweh.

…physically fight a dog for every meal OR every meal tastes like lukewarm tap water?
tough question to ask a person like me, who has a hateful, stinky little gremlin dog from whose jaws i have to wrestle my dinner every night. he really thinks he’s a person, busting in the kitchen talking about, “oh, we’re having halal cart chicken tonight? let me grab my bib!” he doesn’t even drink tap water, we bought some futuristic-looking fountain that starts trickling crisp, refreshing filtered water when it senses he’s nearby. i would fistfight him for that.

…have a horizontal butt crack OR a vertical mouth?
horizontal butt crack. especially if i don’t have to show it to anyone other than my gastroenterologist, who legally can’t make fun of me for it.

…swim through the sewage system of a large city butt naked OR publish your entire internet history (including incognito, deleted, etc)?
i’ve been hospitalized with e.coli before and it was a waking nightmare so i’m just gonna have to let the world see that i once watched a porn where two dudes fucked each other dressed as kittens.

…have a vagina on your forehead OR a line of penises down your back like a stegosaurus?
forehead vagina. even if it’s hairy. even if it gets yeast infections. EVEN IF IT BLEEDS.

FUCK / MARRY / KILL

kenny smith / shaquille o’neal / charles barkley
fuck shaquille o’neal: mostly because i need to be married for the rest of my life to charles barkley.
marry charles barkley: no one is unintentionally funnier, no one gives fewer fucks, no one is sweeter.
kill kenny smith: i’m sorry, jet!

catfish episodes edition: craig and zoe / the tony voice i.e. fatass kelly price / that crazy white guy in the park?
fuck craig and zoe: he’s such an angel!! also, fun fact, the favicon on my stupid, useless website (don’t look at it, who cares) is craig in tears! my sweetie!!!
marry fatass kelly price: are you fucking kidding, she is my spiritual wife!
kill the park guy: this weird loser simply cannot continue to live

mitch mcconnell / steve bannon / tucker carlson
fuck tucker carlson: this version though
marry mitch mcconnell: to get in the will, DUH
kill steve bannon: would they even put me in jail???

ice cube / ice t / vanilla ice
fuck ice t: dressed in his outfit from the player hater’s ball or as scotty appleton
marry ice cube: i can rap death certificate in its entirety and i would love to show him
kill vanilla ice: but it would pain me, i’ve probably listened to his teenage mutant ninja turtles rap a thousand times.

vomiting / diarrhea / having a fever
fuck vomiting: an occasional puke? i’ll survive
marry diarrhea: i am already married to diarrhea! i have been married to diarrhea for my entire adult life! our vow renewal is next week, see you there?
kill having a fever: to me nothing is worse than that feeling you get when you have a fever, when your body is sensitive to the touch and feeling boiled and crazy, your brain is melting, you’re cold but then you’re hot but then you’re cold but then you’re hot. the imaginary one i’m conjuring right now is stressing me out and it’s not even real!

batman villains edition: the joker, r’as al ghul, bane as played by tom hardy
fuck r’as al ghul: i enjoy a severe older gentleman with artfully-styled facial hair.
marry bane as played by tom hardy: him bossing me around in that voice???
kill the joker: girl, i’m not dealing with this bullshit.

cell phone / computer / TV
fuck cell phone: i do not know anyone’s phone number, i do not know how to get anywhere, i do not know where the upcoming waxahatchee show i bought tickets for is, i do not know what other device i could listen to a podcast on, i do not want to travel without my two different white noise machine apps, i do not want to use the CD player in my stupid old car, i do not know when my next psychiatric appointment is, i do not know if you can use doordash on a desktop, and i do not want to find any of these things out on my own. i want my fucking phone.
marry TV: have you guys watched the new season of jury duty? it’s so great, i wish they would’ve given anthony a million dollars. do you think he’ll have gnarly trust issues after this experience? real truman show shit, BUT: that gentleman is a delight. drag race feels like it’s on some fucking bullshit this season, because how the fuck is it correct that my diva jane don’t is not the fucking winner? in what fucking world? do you guys think production rigged it so she can come back and kill all stars? even if they did i’m so annoyed. team darlene, i guess? i started watching marshals because i desperately miss adam karma and you know what? it’s a perfectly fine show. it fits the yellowstone-sized hole in my watchlist like a glove. we started something bad is going to happen and the bad thing that happened was watching that show. i can’t believe there’s only one episode left of the pitt, and did you know young people who use capcut have been shipping king and langdon? they call them kingdon????? I MISS ERIC TAO. stoked that monarch legacy of monsters is finally back, stoked that baseball is back, stoked to watch wemby in the nba playoffs. sporadically rewatching ozark, rewatching veep, did a podcast interview last week in which i panicked and said my favorite comfort show is the diplomat??? i’m not sure that’s actually true. i finally tapped into survivor 50 and here’s a sexy take: i would fuck marry and kill coach. i’m in love with him, i think. i’m watching that new padma culinary cup show and i like it but i wish she’d just go back top chef. the format of the show feels v sterile and uncanny valley. that said, i’m thrilled to have buddha and beverly back on my screen. abbott elementary remains excellent. i’ve watched three and a half episodes of love story and my main takeaway is darryl hannah has to sue these fucking people, right? i would be on ryan murphy’s doorstep with a weapon!!!!!
kill computer: boo hoo writing career, who gives a fuck, i am not one of those people who can watch an entire movie on the laptop second-degree burning a hole on the surface of my thighs.

heated rivalry edition: shane hollander / ilya rozanov / scott hunter
fuck ilya: has there ever been a fictional character more made for sex? i would let him hit me with a car.
marry scott hunter: excuse me, but that is A MAN. he is A GROWNUP. he is A HUSBAND. he likes FRUIT. he has his own TUXEDO. he is A CARETAKER. he donates money to ORPHANS. he is A PROVIDER. he is SEXY. he has A NICE APARTMENT THAT IS CLEAN. he uses a CAR SERVICE. he is HANDSOME. his beard is KEMPT. his refrigerator is ORGANIZED. he gets excited about homemade PASTA SALAD. he is FORTY-FIVE YEARS OLD. he is LONELY and i could HEAL THAT. he is interested in buying ART. he is not afraid to be CRINGE. he is ready to be IN LOVE. he looks great in a TIGHT BLOUSE. he is my DADA.
kill shane: i’m sorry but there is only room for one mentally ill babygirl in this relationship and that girl has to be me.

WOULD YOU RATHER

…use sandpaper as a washcloth OR saran wrap as toilet paper?
i feel like if anyone could, i could make the saran wrap work? honestly, what’s the difference between saran wrap and the 1-ply bullshit found in most public restrooms?

…wake up during surgery OR witness a murder?
if someone was murdered in front of me i feel like i would think about it every day for the rest of my life. i woke up during a sedated colonoscopy once, how much worse could it be to lie awake watching (and listening to) a surgeon carve open my chest?

…have sex with the hottest person you know who is freshly dead OR have sex with the smelliest and nastiest person alive?
necrophilia is crazy, bring me a blindfold and a nose clamp.

…be a loud 9/11 truther OR a loud flat-earther?
i watched that zeitgeist movie and i can be talked into believing literally any conspiracy; the idea that the government isn’t hiding shit from us regular idiots is absurd. are there aliens? what happened to that plane that disappeared a few years ago? IS PAUL McCARTNEY REAL? i feel like you need to learn much more science and engineering than i ever will to support the inside job theory, so falling off the edge of the earth it is.

…have a cat with a human face OR a dog with hands for paws?
we are lesbians, not dog people!!!

…be forced to say “m’lady” every time you address a woman OR yell “i’m an atheist!!!!!” as loud as possible every time someone says “bless you” after you sneeze?
the idea of yelling anything, at anyone, is deeply humiliating to me. and not me having a religious argument while sucking post nasal drip down my throat and itching my nose or wiping snot off my face or whatever else you have to do in the immediate aftermath of a huge sneeze. i would buy a newsboy cap just to doff it.

…have bed sheets made of cheese slices OR a floor made of raw hamburger meat?
both of these make my skin crawl for real, but think about the noises that floor makes. it would be like walking around barefoot on top of someone’s wet, slimy mouth sounds and that is revolting.

…never be able to love OR never be loved?
this is rude, but loving people is hard and unrewarding a lot of the time? meanwhile, being loved is like drugs.

a few bops to help get the party started:
before james blake
one of them nights gigamesh
best to you blood orange
aventador goldlink
joyride kesha