Fan Fiction about ur least favorite substacker

Certified Thug wakes up and rolls over to check their phone; it's 8 am. After a night of waking up multiple times in the middle of the night, they decide it’s time for them to wake up. They stretch and kick off their blankets. Because Certified Thug is a psychopath, they sleep with socks on. I mean, can’t blame them; they have really cold feet. So, they kick off their socks as well. Certified Thug only wears fuzzy socks; the texture of other socks just doesn’t feel right.

Instead of getting up to get breakfast, Certified Thug checks their phone, because they have no hobbies. The first up they go to is Substack, and they check their notifications. They try their best not to respond to comments instantly; they can’t look that desperate. They see someone commented a hate comment, and Certified Thug resists the urge to tell that person to kill themselves. After all, they have an image to uphold and can’t just tell randoms to kill themselves on the internet anymore. “Stupid bitch.” Certified Thug muttered to themself. To no surprise, Certified Thug is a lowkey hateful person. But they reassure themself by telling themselves that this person doesn’t matter and not to spend time arguing with neanderthals on the internet.

They finally get out of bed and decide to go make breakfast. Before leaving their room, they open their curtains to get some sunlight in their room. They eat the same thing every morning: scrambled eggs. Certified Thug likes the routine; they like to plan what they are eating. They hate when they unexpectedly go out to eat, doesn’t fit into their plan. Certified Thug is greeted by their dogs, Dolly, Boo, and Bear. Their favorite is Bear; she’s their best friend. It helps that Bear also thinks Certified Thug is her best friend. “Hi, chunky.” Certified Thug greeted their dog. Bear rolls around the couch and growls in joy. Bear makes really weird noises, but Certified Thug knows what each of those noises means.

They go into the kitchen and open the fridge; the first thing they do is grab a Diet Coke from the fridge. Instead of drinking coffee in the morning, Certified Thug decides the best way to start their day is with a diet pop. Certified Thug drinks an ungodly amount of pop, like it’s legit a problem. They crack open the Diet Coke and take a long sip. They start making breakfast, and once they are done making breakfast and cleaning up, they return to their room. They sit on the floor and turn something on to watch on their phone. Certified Thug hates eating without something to watch. Before Certified Thug takes a bite, they go to their bed and grab their vape from underneath their pillow. Certified Thug has a really bad nicotine problem; whether it’s cigarettes or a vape, it all brings too much joy to them. They should quit, but they don’t want to do that, too much effort. Whatever, Certified Thug prays every night that all the shit they smoke goes into the lungs of Jared Leto and gives him cancer.

They really hate Jared Leto; it's not just a bit. They’ve hated them since the 2016 movie Suicide Squad. After they found out he methods act, Certified Thug thought he was the biggest dork ever. Then, a few years back, or maybe a year ago, Certified Thug can’t remember. They found out that he’s like an actual awful person. Certified Thug hates Jared Leto so much that they are going as Patrick Bateman for Halloween, the guy that killed him. Certified Thug spends their time DMing Jared Leto on different apps, hoping he or his team sees it, and it ruins their day.

When they are done eating, they grab, turn off whatever they were watching, and open Substack again. Certified Thug thinks of a note to post, trying to decide if it should be another note about torturing their future boyfriend, or posting a dumb dog photo. They decide to go with another note about torturing their future boyfriend, because Certified Thug is constantly thinking of new ways to terrorize men. Whether it’s hunting them like deer or putting them in a large pot and boiling them, it brings them a lot of joy. They are never beating the Dahmer allegations. All that matters is that Certified Thug thinks it’s funny. Certified Thug sometimes wonders why they don’t have a boyfriend, if it’s because they are ugly, or maybe it’s because they constantly post notes about abusing him. It’s most likely Certified Thug’s looks and horrible personality that scare the men away.

Certified Thug posts more unfunny notes and closes their phone. They are going out today; they rarely go out by themselves, but Certified Thug is trying exposure therapy. Trying to teach themself that the outside world isn’t so scary. It’s going okay. Usually they bother their friends to go with them, but they are trying to teach themself that the world is not scary, that it’s okay to do things alone. They get up off the floor and go over to their closet. Certified Thug has way too many clothes, but you don’t understand; Certified Thug just needs all the clothes. Certified Thug picks out an outfit, and as they get undressed, they look down and see their disgusting body. They grimace and quickly get dressed so they no longer have to see it.

They get dressed and pick out jewelry. After they are finished getting ready, they pick out a fragrance to wear. They spend too much money on fragrances, but whatever money comes and goes. Certified Thug probably should be more responsible with their money, but they are a slave to capitalism and love new objects. Certified Thug grabs their hairbrush and brushes their hair. Despite constantly saying they're bald online, Certified Thug has dyed hair. Because they are blue-haired with pronouns, nasty liberal.

They are finally put together and want to leave the house. But only weirdo’s and old people go to stores at 10 am in the morning. So, Certified Thug decides to sit on their bed and go on Substack again. They check to see if anyone has DMed them. Certified Thug likes to talk to people on there, but lowkey hates Dming people first, makes them feel like they are molesting people with their presence. So, instead of growing some balls, Certified Thug doesn’t do anything. They just post more stupid notes. The stupidest of notes goes viral, Certified Thug wonders why, but doesn’t dare question the algorithm. They are thankful nonetheless; they have no idea why people find them so entertaining. But they are forever grateful for their audience, and love them deeply.

Certified Thug reaches into their squishy box and takes out their popsicle squishy. Because apparently Certified Thug is a dog, they chew on it. They have a huge problem with chewing on and eating inedible objects. Certified Thug suffers from PICA; at this point, they are more microplastics than person.

Finally its a normal time to go to the store. So they leave the house and get into their car. They love their car; they bought it after getting a hefty lawsuit for being attacked by a dog. Cane Corso 0 and Certified Thug 1. Sometimes they drive by the house where the dog lives to show off their car. Certified Thug is afraid of driving new places, convinced that everyone on the road wants to kill them, but recently they’ve been driving new places. Every time they do, they tell their friends. They connect their phone to the Bluetooth. Because Certified Thug is a douche bag, they turn up their music way too loudly.

They leave their house and drive to the store. As they drive, they notice a cop riding their ass, even though Certified Thug is going five above the speed limit; apparently that’s not fast enough for the cop. The cop passes Certified Thug and proceeds to go 55 in a 40. They scoff and roll their eyes. Certified Thug deals with road rage and hates when people pass them, like there’s no reason you need to go that fast. Despite driving a small car, Certified Thug drives like they own a truck. Maybe it’s because their dad taught them to drive, and he owns one of those big trucks. They hate that stupid truck; they can’t see the end of it whenever someone drives it. So, every time they sit in the passenger seat, they pray to god that they don’t get into a car accident. Certified Thug was hit in driver’s ed, so they are constantly fearful of getting into another car accident. Even though their dad says they are statistically less likely to get into one, because they’ve already been in one. Certified Thug thinks their dad is being stupid and would rather wallow in their anxiety.

They finally make it to the store after the trials and tribulations of driving. They park their car really far out because they are afraid of someone scratching it. Whatever, Certified Thug likes walking; at least it makes them skinnier every step they take. Certified Thug is extremely shallow and cares deeply about their appearance.

Certified Thug goes into the store, and instantly they see a hot guy. Because Certified Thug is socially inept, they avoid him at all costs. They go and hide, like this is a war and they are hiding from the enemy. This situation inspires a new note idea, and Certified Thug takes out their phone to post about it. Certified Thug puts their phone in their back pocket and carries on with their trip to the store. They are at a thrift store, and they instantly fill their arms with new clothes. Soon, they have to grab a cart because they grabbed too many clothes.

After Certified Thug spends way too much at the thrift store, they decide to go home. As they drive home, they think about their eventful day, and they can’t wait to go home and write. Certified Thug spends all their time writing, and they have a million drafts at this point.

After they go home, they avoid and dodge their mother, hoping she doesn’t spot them and bitch at them for something.

This concludes their eventful day; for the rest of the day, they will spend it doomscrolling on Substack.