Can you be "great" and "good" at the same time?

I had a long conversation recently with a good friend of mine, we’ll call him “Ryan,” because that’s his real name.

Anyway, Ryan is the kind of person who pursues inordinate success. He can’t sit still. And to his credit, he’s achieved just about as much as anyone I personally know. He enrolled in West Point for college, becoming an officer in the Army and a Chinook pilot and deploying multiple times into combat zones. When he returned from the military, he enrolled in medical school in Kansas, completing his program and then a grueling residency at Yale University. All the while, by the way, maintaining a physical fitness regimen that would make me ill, running multiple Iron Man races.

If you asked Ryan, he’d say that his ultimate goal is to become an astronaut. Sure, lots of kids in my generation would say “I want to be an astronaut when I grow up,” but he has kept the dream alive, and done nearly everything asked of him to get there. As an aside, astronauts are insanely impressive people, often holding multiple doctorate degrees, military experience, and perfect health.

So, here Ryan is, now about to embark in a job as an anesthesiologist, which will afford him (well earned) wealth and freedom of schedule. And instead of reveling in this opportunity, he is deeply convicted.

What should I do with my time? How can I make it productive? How far should I push my childhood dream? And if I just “relax” then I’ll be giving up on dreams unrealized…

He shared with me this article by Arthur Brooks, published in The Atlantic. Brooks is a thoughtful writer, and I’ve always enjoyed his perspective. In this piece (which is paywalled so apologies), he argues…

“success also resembles addiction in its effect on human relationships. People sacrifice their links with others for their true love, success. They travel for business on anniversaries; they miss Little League games and recitals while working long hours. Some forgo marriage for their careers - earing the appellation of being ‘married to their work’ - even though a good relationship is more satisfying than any job.”

Perhaps comparing success to addiction might seem extreme, but people can become addicted to all kinds of things that might be additive to their lives in smaller doses, but destructive with a myopic focus. Working out is a pillar of good physical and mental health, but we can agree if you only exercised and didn’t ever rest or refuel your body would start to break down.

Of course, it is easy for me to tell my friend Ryan that it is ok to pump the proverbial breaks and focus on life outside of work. And that’s exactly what I did. In fact, I even wrote an entire book about the topic myself, The Success Disconnect: Why the Smartest People Choose Meaning Over Money. And yet, when I told my wife about this conversation she laughed and said “are you sure you are the right person to be advising him? You never can sit still!”

And to be honest, she’s right. For someone who wrote a book on the topic, my own unrealized goal every New Years’ is to find “contentment.” I never feel settled, on vacations when I see a nice coffee shop my focus turns to finding something to write about there rather than sitting idly with a cappuccino and watching people go by (I once got into an argument with my wife at Big Sur in California because I wanted to sit and write at Nepenthe where Jack Kerouac used to write…yes, I imagine I’m insufferable to be around).

In speaking with my friend I found myself reflecting on my own place, my own peace. In his article, Brooks cites former F1 driver Alex Dias Ribeiro, who said “Unhappy is he who depends on success to be happy.” I think that’s perhaps the closest thing to right. The pursuit of success itself is not a bad one. To a degree, it is how we move society forward, it is the ideal that sets humans apart from other species, and it helps deliver us an important aspect of our identities as creators. But when it crosses the threshold of being how we define our happiness, it is like a healthy exercise regimen becoming toxic.

Low doses, consistency over extremes, paired with other experiences.

In a digital world where creators flood our feeds and seemingly everyone is achieving constantly, it is so easy to overlook the oft-said mantra that your only competition is yourself. But it is true.

James Clear, the mega-successful author of books like Atomic Habits, argues that one problem with letting goals drive your behavior is that “goals restrict happiness.” How? Because when we tether our happiness to a set of goals, we’re continuing to put off that happiness. And when we inevitably reach our goals, there is bound to be an accompanying emptiness. The sinking and terrifying feeling of: now what?

I often get my wisdom, or whatever shred of wisdom I have, from television and film scripts. And though it has been said a million ways in a million forums, in my brain the following line comes from the Showtime show “The Affair” starring Dominic West. In it, the character asks “is it possible to be a ‘great’ man and a ‘good’ man at the same time?” Of course, the intimation being that it is difficult to achieve all of our professional goals while still being good spouses, parents, children, friends, etc. to the people we love.

And that may be true. But the more I ruminate on this topic, one that I should have focused on more over the past decade after publishing Success Disconnect in 2015, the more the answer reveals itself.

Yes. It is more than possible to be your best self professionally, to pursue success wildly beyond your imagination, while also preventing that pursuit from becoming toxic and all-encompassing. If, like me and Ryan, you are struggling with this separation, here is a short framework for getting started:

1. Focus on setting a system vs. setting a goal. For Ryan, being an astronaut has been his North Star for almost 20 years. It’s guided his actions and given him discipline. It’s not been a bad pursuit at all, but it has meant that he has delayed his happiness all of this time. And if he ever achieves the insane accomplishment of getting there, he’s going to be set up for a deflating “now what” feeling that I’m sure he’s unprepared for. If you want to become a New York Times best-seller, putting your energy into writing for that goal is never going to make you happy. But setting a habit and intention to be a consistent writer will.

2. Measure the right success metrics. Brooks speaks to this too. I suppose if I’m honest, I have a deep fear of living an “ordinary” life. For me, that doesn’t necessarily manifest in seeking accolades or achievements, it manifests in seeking unusual experiences. More recently, over the past few years, I’ve measured my success more through relationships. Can I build meaningful relationships with people I trust / admire, and can I use those to be helpful to the people in my network? Nurturing relationships with creative people is a metric that seems additive to me. As Maya Angelou said, “you can’t use creativity up, the more you use, the more you have.” The same is true of relationships. The more your nurture them, the more rewarding they are.

3. Structure personal success as much as professional success. I had a mentor once, a very successful author and consultant, who told me that her primary goal for the year was to date someone amazing. That wasn’t her primary professional goal, it was her primary overall goal. And of course, she also planned to achieve tremendous professional goals in the year ahead. But she said in the pursuit of her success, she hadn’t given the attention needed to her personal and romantic relationships, and so that was where she was prioritizing attention now. It is said you can see what a person values by looking at their schedule. And for people with a propensity to overwork or identify too much with their career, structuring personal success is a good way to set appropriate boundaries. One date night with your spouse or partner per week, non-negotiable. Exercise 4x per week, built-in and blocked on the schedule. A class you sign up for that has no direct benefit to your career, but it stimulates a curiosity or artistic pursuit you value. Make this an equal part of your routine.

This may seem counterintuitive. If I block out time for “personal pursuits” it will limit my ability to achieve my goals. Yet the opposite is actually true. When we structure our time for effectively, we can enjoy both aspects of our identity without guilt. We can be more fully present when we’re at work and when we’re at home.

Put simply, we can be “great” and “good” at the same time.

Now, I need to finally listen to my own advice…it’s easier said than done.

Photo by Clark Tibbs on Unsplash.