When You're Too Smart To Fit In

Today is the second part of a two-part series on the outliers of the gifted: the highly gifted (HG), exceptionally gifted (EG), and profoundly gifted (PG), collectively called the high+ gifted.1

If you missed part one, you can read it here.

Today I’m covering:

• The range of socially optimal intelligence, and why it matters for the high+ gifted

For paid subscribers, I’m also including:

• A comparison chart of high+ gifted traits, markers, and needs

• A list of resources and organizations that provide support specifically for the high+ gifted

  ✨A quick reminder: we only have a few spots left in the CURIOUS Career Cohort, starting September 2nd! This is the last week to save $300 when you register before August 1st! ✨

In part one, I noted that there are many challenges with drawing conclusions about the high+ gifted, because statistically speaking, they belong to a relatively rare group.

However, we do have some reliable research on key traits:

One consistent finding is that the high+ gifted are defined by extreme asynchronous development.2 Asynchronous or uneven development occurs across neurodivergent populations, including those with developmental disabilities. In the gifted, asynchronous development usually means that a person’s cognitive development outpaces other domains, including social, linguistic, and emotional development. Some theorists even argue that the greater the asynchrony, the more gifted the individual.3

Asynchronous development has huge implications for an individual’s life experiences, particularly those with very high levels of asynchrony, and creates many of the characteristic traits and behaviors we associate with the gifted. For example, a five-year-old may have the vocabulary of a ten-year-old, yet still need help tying their shoes. This can contribute to more frequent experiences of person-environment mismatch, leaving the high+ gifted particularly vulnerable to specific social difficulties.

Relatedly, the concept of socially optimal intelligence explains why many extremely intelligent individuals struggle socially, even in the absence of additional communication differences like autism or social communication disorder. The socially optimal intelligence range is the range of IQ scores that are generally associated with a fair bit of social advantage compared to a more typically developing person, but with fewer of the deleterious social effects associated with very high intelligence.

Possessing socially optimal levels of intelligence can look like someone who is quite witty and likable, faster than most at solving problems, and doesn’t have to try as hard to succeed. They are often liked by others for their strengths, may be viewed as leaders or high performers, and tend to fit in reasonably well in groups.

Those whose cognitive abilities exceed this range may be more cognitively capable, but they tend to lose some of the social benefits of their high intelligence. Their ways of thinking and perceiving are quite different from what the traditional environment accommodates. They may have little in common with others and find interacting with most people—even more moderately gifted individuals—frustrating.

High+ gifted people can often seem strange to others because they are capable of comprehending, seeing, and holding ideas at a level of complexity others simply can’t or do not. They may have very rare gifts or abilities that others do not believe or appreciate, such as foresight, spiritual connectedness, deep empathy, or heightened sensitivity. They are often extremely intense, and even dogmatic in their thinking. All of these can contribute to increased isolation, misunderstanding, school and career difficulties, and trouble finding compatible romantic partners.

Dr. Leta Hollingworth, one of the earliest champions for PG children, believed that socially optimal intelligence most likely coresponded to the range of IQ scores between 125 and 155.4 My own work with gifted people leads me to believe that in the modern era, this band may be somewhat narrower and lower, maybe between 125-145, particularly for those who are twice-exceptional (i.e., gifted and have another cognitive difference). Why is this?

First, in the United States and in other countries with similarly advanced economies, we’re living in a period of late-stage capitalism marked by increased technological advancement and automation. Environments and systems are increasingly restrictive, rigid, and lacking in nuance, which makes it tough to gain an advantage from being even a slight outlier. Put another way, there is simply less room for a quirky, creative, brilliant thinker in a world that is increasingly anti-intellectual and homogenized.

Second, cognitive differences such as ADHD, dyslexia, or autism often interact with giftedness in ways that can be quite challenging, regardless of any cognitive advantage you may have. If it’s challenging for the typical person to have a learning disability, it’s even more challenging to have very high cognitive abilities and a learning disability, because the effects of asynchronous development are even greater.

The analogy I often share with clients to help support a practice of self-compassion is that being twice-exceptional is like having a Ferrari engine in the body of a 1997 Honda. It’s difficult for anyone to wield that kind of cognitive power deftly, but it’s especially challenging if you’re also dealing with a car whose steering wheel keeps getting stuck.

Interestingly, when gifted people interact with other similarly gifted people, many report greater success in interpersonal interactions, a stronger sense of belonging, and a diminished need to mask or hide their true abilities. This is much like the finding in the autistic literature that autistic people may communicate more easily with other autistic people, and allistic (non-autistic) people may communicate more effectively with other allistic individuals, often referred to as the “Double Empathy” problem.

For the gifted, the social milieu shifts when a person interacts with others who intuitively understand their communication style, intellectual needs, and worldview. This is one reason why the gifted community groups I facilitate can be so helpful for gifted people in finding community, developing peer supports, and creating a sense of belonging and understanding—finally, someone speaks your language without having to translate yourself.

Of course, none of this is to say that the high+ gifted can’t get along socially with others or adapt to established norms—many do, and are quite successful in life. However, I find that it’s helpful for parents and gifted adults alike to be aware of the particular vulnerabilities of this population.

✨Looking to learn about giftedness alongside others who understand you? Register for one of our upcoming gifted groups here! ✨

When I work with high+ gifted people in coaching, I find that the qualitative differences in their experiences are often more illustrative and informative than numerical comparisons alone. This is one reason why I tend to focus on the individual’s experience of their giftedness, rather than test scores or metrics.

Given what little we know about this population, the following are some generalizations about the qualitative attributes that separate the highly, exceptionally, and profoundly gifted. These are based on the limited research literature and my professional work with these populations.

For paid subscribers, I’ve also included a two-page comparison table of the various levels to help you understand yourself or others you suspect are in the high+ range: