Sorry if that hurt your brain. Allow me to show my work:
If I go to bed at 3am and sleep for seven hours, I will be up at 10am
If I go to bed at 3am and sleep for eight hours, I will be up at 11am
If I go to bed at 3am and sleep for nine glorious hours, I will be up at noon.
Nine hours is my snooze goal and I believe that noon is an acceptable wake up time for a gal like me with a night job. I’m even fine with waking up at one in the afternoon if it meant I slept for ten hours after a double-show night. When I was on tour with Sarah Silverman in January, she told me about a study that reported women function best after getting ten hours of sleep and that we ultimately need more sleep than men. Now do you believe in science?!?! (I have an inkling my readers have always believed in science). Long, long before January my mom read [watched on Oprah] a segment about the timing of your sleep being crucial to feeling well-rested, and that I must disregard. First because it could’ve been Dr. Phil delivering that tidbit, and second sometimes I get home [hotel] from a comedy club so late on a Saturday night that I don’t fall asleep until 1 or 2am leading up to a 4am airport pickup (or 4:30am rental car drop-off). That means after a weekend of five shows, I might get two to three hours of hotel bed-sleep in addition to however long the flight home is… although I’m not sure we can count plane-sleep as real rest. TLDR: I’m gonna die earlier than scheduled, not to mention the radiation I get from flying so often.
Unfortunately for me radiation is a real thing that I’ve not deeply considered until my Delta pilot friend Matt told me, “Yes we do get minimal radiation each flight.” Honestly the “we” was comforting. I’m not alone! He also talked to me about flight paths which was fascinating! He called them “roads of the sky.” It’s truly a wonder to me why these two aspects of my job didn’t throw their hat in my anxiety velodrome sooner. Probably just too packed with thoughts of “why there is so much dog poo up my driveway when I don’t own a dog” or “who needs to listen to music that loud?!” OR MAYBE… just maybe I’m building up my tolerance. To radiation? Okay Beth. Probably more likely that if I do need to get radiation to fight some sort of cancer, I will be immune. Okay I’ll stop.
My mom has been trying to get me to sleep more and earlier ever since I was a kid. Why am I so averse? What if it’s just that I’m a “night owl” and that was one factor that lead me to my current stand-up comedian job. Perhaps something involving circadian rhythms I don’t want to learn? Or is it jet lag from all the travel? I was diagnosed with ADHD in my late teens, maybe I was twenty, but I hate(d) the meds, so what if I avoid things all day only to get a natural “second wind” or potential “guilt wave” that propels me to clean my living space first and do marginal amounts of work second into the wee hours of the night? What if it’s because my dad tried to kill my mom in her sleep and if I stay up and past that frightening hour, then it won’t also happen to me? Sorry I didn’t warn you on that. Truth is with C-PTSD, I believe I’ve worked through that one, and I’m able to sleep next to a man, though I’ve picked questionable ones. You know I say that but it was really only two or three questionables. I’ll give myself some grace. I think the last (ha, next?) psychological hurdle for me is leaving a partner who breaks or ignores my boundaries. I’ll add the caveat: in less than two years.
So yeah, I could use more consistent sleep, in my own bed, and when everyone else is doing it but that’s not realistic as a touring comedian. The longest I’ve been out on the road this year is 18 days (counting travel days). I get so sick of my packed clothes, the sneakers I chose for the trip and the workout clothes I pack but don’t use. Some meme made me laugh about that last one; I will be replaced by memes. The more I “take-in” from the internet, the more it quiets my creativity and increases my level of judgement for others and myself. Why would I put something “out there” when nearly every single human being on the planet in every corner of the world has it covered? And then come the comments. Obviously I like the ones from people who enjoy my work and connect with it, but why do people feel the need to tell me when they don’t like it? As some of you know: I engage. What I’ve found on occasion is that after one or two replies it becomes clear the troll is a bot who has no personality and English isn’t their forte. We know what a sickness social media is and yet I remain on it. The excuse is I have to be for my work and that is true for promotion, but what I do best is witnessed live (or arguably in a well-produced special).
Welp. Somehow I keep going. I credit my mom, lover, you guys, friends, niblings, extended family and sisters. Of three sisters I was born in last place and weighed over eight pounds. I grew to be the tallest of my sisters and I have the most cavities. They found six at my first visit. That brag decrescendoed. I loved candy and still eat so-o-o much sugar, but as an adult I’m better at brushing, flossing and waterpik-ing. Plus I’m not mooching off my mom’s dental insurance like I was back then so I gotta pay the piper. Which reminds me I’m about to lose my Writers Guild health and dental insurance tomorrow, gotta figure that out. Using a water pik after eating something leafy or meaty is the leaf blower of the mouth. I have a tooth implant though so that contributes to more debris. Looking back I’m unclear if our childhood dentist, Dr. Patton, was kidding when he said that as the youngest child, I was born with the least tooth enamel. Either way I loved going to the dentist as a kid, mostly because they took fun smile polaroids and kept wanting to see me. That would prove to be a theme in my life.
Speaking of wanting to see me!! I have so many special people (some of you reading right now) that have been coming out to see me perform live, repeatedly even!! It means a lot to me. When I’m speaking with frans (friends+fans) after a show at my little merch table, lots of topics arise. They range from:
a. which special or late night set of mine led you to discover my stand-up
b. how many times you’ve seen me live
c. my material
d. where I should get ice cream in town
I think c. is worthy of discussion here. I spent many, many years not wanting to say “yes” to a booking request if it meant returning to a city when I didn’t have at least forty-five minutes of NEW material for the crowd. This year I put a stop to that for a few reasons.
It’s come to my attention that some of my co-workers are not generating new material very often. I never want to be the guy doing the same act for ten years (it would kill my creative spirit and be embarrassing) but I realize I can give myself some slack. Occasionally I envy comics who can do the same bit like it’s new for that long and they’ve even gotten famous for it. I understand repeating beloved stories are what some audience members enjoy, but I tend to lean more toward the belief that people pay for new ideas. Plus I don’t remember my old stuff! So I will continue to hold myself to a high standard but allow myself to build as I go, expounding on material and adding tags to give you fresh bits whenever I return to your city.
Normally I would be building to a taping of this hour that I am performing on tour but the entertainment industry has changed so much that I have no option but to fund a taping myself and release it on YouTube (or if shot well enough, there’s a sliver of a chance a streamer would buy it). Of course there are comics who are safe from this plight on account of their fame and social media following but even some within those parameters are not. Just this week three comedian friends told me that Netflix et al passed on their specials. If you combined their Instagram followings they’d have 2.5 million followers.
Final reason I don’t need an entirely new act before returning to your city, and you’re not going to want to hear this: your phone has ruined your brain. If you’re like me you can’t remember what you just googled or what you wore yesterday. I just found some sweet potatoes in a pan I made yesterday and forgot about.
That being said, if I film and release something into the world (like The Landlord Special) I will not be touring that material any longer, so feel free to watch before seeing me live this year.
The Landlord Special was the first thing I self-produced and distributed myself. Before that I self-produced If You Didn’t Want Me Then and Netflix licensed it for two years. Those two years have passed and it is about to leave their platform. I would put it on my own YouTube channel, but I’m being encouraged to hand it over to a popular comedy channel first. I don’t trust anyone but I guess it could reach people who don’t know my comedy and then best-case scenario they enjoy it and come see me on the road. Worst-case scenario a bunch of people and bots call me an unfunny, ugly bitch. But maybe then I’ll have enough followers to get a special back on Netflix or HBO! It’s a sick world!
Last thing I’ll tell you because this is one of my longest letters I’ve written to you and it’s been a roller coaster: I cried on a Sunday morning plane ride home upon hearing a baby cry several rows back because I will never have to deal with that. And I kind of, maybe want to? I believe you’re supposed to be 175% sure. Maybe I cried because no one wants to have a baby with me. It’s expensive and I’m always gone because I tour for a living right now. Maybe someone should start a GoFundMe so I can have a baby. I never got married so I didn’t get to have a registry… could be time for this type of thing. Or you could just come see me live on tour and celebrate being alive and feeling something.
Nashville Wednesday October 1
Louisville Thursday October 2
Cincinnati Friday October 3
Houston October 9-11
Philadelphia October 16-18
Boston Friday October 24
Washington D.C. Saturday October 25
I am looking forward to seeing you in the crowd. I’m also doing a variety show fundraiser this Sunday October 5 in my hometown of Dayton, Ohio for an old friend named Gwen, owner of Blind Rage Records. She is saving up for gender-affirming care. You can buy a ticket to donate if you’re feeling generous. The live show will be music and comedy.
Love,
Beth
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