Confidence is a gift - and whether you’re born with it or your education confers it on you - it can help you glide through life so much more effortlessly. “When you’ve been through a life-changing illness, it can feel like your confidence has been knocked sideways,” says Caroline Brewin, former corporate leader turned entrepreneur and author. “You’re not who you were. You’re not sure who you’re becoming. But here’s the truth: confidence isn’t something you either have or don’t. It’s something we can build, even when life feels uncertain.”
The fact that confidence is not innate from birth and that sometimes it can take a knock in life, means that we can all go through phases where we need help to reinstate our veneer of confidence, like a golden halo we need to polish from time to time so that it shines even brighter.
According to Caroline our brains are wired to notice danger more than positivity. It’s an ancient survival mechanism helping us escape from predators. We remember bad times more vividly and pay more attention to them. “If your brain feels like it’s stuck on the hard stuff—know that it’s not a personal flaw,” continues Caroline. “It’s just an ancient survival mechanism. And the good news? You can train your brain to balance that bias.”
Caroline advises us to focus on what we can control. Encountering change where you experience loss of control can feel terrifying. “Our confidence can be shattered as we are asked to step into the unknown. And when it doesn’t work? We feel like failures. But you are not a failure. Stop trying to focus on things you cannot control - it will only lead to stress and frustration. Tip: Reclaim your energy by writing down 3 things you can influence today - however small.”
Caroline maintains that confidence is a journey, not a destination. “Confidence is not about being fearless, it’s about showing up again and again even when the path isn’t clear. Every time you push past your comfort zone, you’re sending a message to your brain ‘I can do this’. Don’t wait for the perfect moment - it doesn’t exist. Start now. Begin messy, start scared, but begin. You have everything you need within you.”
Three Tools to support you:
The Physiological Sigh
Try this when you're feeling anxious or overwhelmed:
🔹 Inhale deeply through the nose.
🔹 Add a second small inhale on top.
🔹 Exhale slowly through the mouth.
Just 2–3 of these can bring your nervous system back to calm. It’s like a reset button for your brain and body.
Gratitude & The Black Dot
"In February 2023 my Father was diagnosed with Motor Neurone Disease (MND). One morning, a few months after the diagnosis, we were sitting having tea - Mum and Dad tucked up in bed, me sitting on the end. Dad was feeling down. ‘I don't feel like I want to get up in the morning like I used to’ he typed. ‘It feels a bit pointless.’ I drew a small black dot in the corner of a big white piece of paper. ‘This is what we focus on,’ I said, pointing to the dot. ‘We focus on the black spots in our lives, because of our natural negativity bias, but the reality is, there is SO much we can be grateful for - that's the white piece of paper.’
Our negativity bias pulls our focus to what’s wrong. A daily gratitude practice helps re-train that spotlight.
📊 People with chronic pain who practiced daily gratitude reported:
23% less stress
19% less depression
10% better sleep
Suffering = Pain x Resistance
Shinzen Young“Pain is the event. Suffering is how much we resist it.”
What helped my Dad—and what might help you—is this idea: We can't always change the pain. But we can meet it with more compassion and less resistance. "know that we all have a choice, in terms of how much suffering we create for ourselves. What is the antidote? Acceptance.’” Not in giving up, but in giving yourself peace.
Caroline’s book ‘Confidence’ also has chapters on Menopause and Introversion - should you be interested. She also recommends Briony Benjamin’s ‘Life Is Tough But So Are You’ for anyone going through or who has been through cancer. I know several of my readers will appreciate this.
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