Boston Mayor Wu Answers Your Snow Emergency Questions

Q: Is it true you’re registering snow men and women to vote?

A: Only if they can prove they’ve lived in their yard for at least one day.

Q: When do you decide to inform the city of a snow emergency?

A: When we want residents to forget how we responded to the last snow emergency.

Q: When will my street be plowed.

A: Not to worry. My DPU chief has assured me that all impassible streets will not be an issue for the Fourth of July parade.

Q: What should I do if someone ignores my parking space saver, which has been clearly visible for the past three months?

A: You should never take the law into your own hands. If you have a neighbor who is a city employee, ask them to pummel the scoundrel.

Q: My Uber Eats delivery person was late while trying to free himself from a snow drift in my front yard. Am I obligated to give him a tip?

A: That depends. Did he cry for help or throw French fries at your window to get your attention?

Q: Can I drive in the Southeast Expressway carpool lane if I have a snowman sitting in my passenger seat?

A: Yes, but you can’t wave its carrot nose at other drivers as a substitute for your middle finger.

Q: I offered a kid three bucks to shovel my sidewalk. He laughed at me and pelted me with snowballs. Can I sue the city?

A: No, but if you provide me with his name, I will consider hiring him as a neighborhood liaison.

Q: I noticed my city councilor in a sleigh being pulled by eight paid personal assistants. Is that okay?

A: No, but be happy. The counselors originally wanted ten assistants.

Q: I heard the city has already spent its snow plowing budget. When did that happen?

A: Shortly before we started telling citizens to “Think really hard, and the snow will go away.”

Q: I read in the news the city is running low on salt. What are you doing about it?

A: That’s completely false. We just thought it would be a good time to experiment with lemon juice and balsamic vinegar.

Comedy writer Ben Alper has written for Jay Leno, David Letterman and others. He is the author of “Live From the Beginning of Time: Late Night Comedy Monologues Through the Ages”