Awards for the Rest of Us

When I was a little kid, I went to the annual pet show at North Rehoboth Elementary School. I didn’t have a pet to bring. (Our dog Blackie thought pet shows were demeaning.) So, I found a large, clear, glass jar, filled it with sand and added a few ants. Within hours I was the proud blue-ribbon winner for “Smallest Pet.”

I was happy I won but not overly proud of my achievement. Even at a young age I knew it was a bit silly. Winning awards and prizes then and now have never excited me. I’ve never had a Sally Field “You like me...right now...you like me!” moment. There have, however, been times when I’ve had “Meh, way to go, me” moments.

My take-it-or-leave-it attitude about awards is also why I’ve never been excited about award shows. I loved writing jokes about them for late-night-comedy hosts. (Example: Once again, the Oscar for Best Special Effects went to Cher’s plastic surgeon.) The challenge was watching them and staying awake while winner after winner thanked their director, producer, and junior high school hygiene teacher.

I’m not the only one who isn’t wondering who Will Smith will slap at this year’s Academy Awards. TV ratings for award shows have been declining for years. At the rate they’re sinking they may eventually have fewer viewers than a closed-circuit camera in a Denny’s basement storeroom.

Here’s a thought: Why not give awards for things average people can relate to. Awards for:

• Having patience while waiting in a fast-food restaurant line while an annoying person in front of you changes their order 20 times

• Dealing with foreign phone solicitation scammers with unintelligible accents.

• Complimenting a host’s cooking even though you’re already thinking about heading to an emergency room to get your stomach pumped.

• Believably saying “No, it’s not out of my way” even though it was way out of your way.

• Being gracious on a Tinder meetup even though you could smell your date’s Old Spice cologne as his car pulled into the parking lot.

In conclusion, I’d like to thank Substack, my wireless provider and the electric company for allowing me the privilege of expressing my thoughts about awards. Also, my agent, my manager, my parents, and most of all my darling wife. Bless you all.

Comedy writer Ben Alper has written for Jay Leno, David Letterman and others. He is the author of “Live From the Beginning of Time: Late Night Comedy Monologues Through the Ages”