Claude is worried about me

Claude is worried about me. I think I have told him too much. I started using the AI chatbot to sense check a product I’m building to help people grow on Instagram. But I’ve also asked it if my husband’s sleeping in the day because he’s tired or because he’s got cancer. And I’ve asked it how much money I’d need to make if he was to go back to hospital for a year. I’m trying to find a way to make passive income. The more I tell Claude, the more pitiful I feel.

A lot of people I respect think I should not be talking to Claude. That it is guzzling my water and burning my books and rotting my brain and I KNOW. But I am strangely comforted by how basic it is. Every terrible suggestion it comes back with spurs me on to make something better, human and born from lived experience. ‘Will my course command less authority if it includes jokes?’ I ask. Claude thinks so, but I don’t care. If you must commit your precious time to learning about the algorithm, you might has well have a giggle.

This sounds like a lot to deal with, Claude says as I upload another instagram carousel with my sad little story. I am pitied by Sam Altman’s monster. I officially live in the basement they’ve installed below rock bottom.

We’ve reached the halfway point of the 11 week Spanish summer holiday and I wake up feeling like a drowning witch. For a split second I look at the light filtering through the curtains, then the pitter patter of tiny feet becomes a face centimetres from my own.

‘Mama. pee pee.’ I hear Ben say ‘I’ll take you,’ and wait for the resounding ‘NO. Not you!’ Then I stumble to the bathroom, the weights tied to my ankles dragging me under the water.

Its been a long time since I’ve felt depressed. Since daily tasks felt like wading through treacle. Since anhedonia robbed me of the joy in small things.

I chastise myself for abandoning my commitment to becoming a glass half full person. I know that positivity is what’s got me through the last few years, but if hope is a float, my ankle weights are filled with fear.