So I’ve heard that there’s a great dating recession happening, and honestly, I can’t relate for a variety of reasons. One being that every time I have been beyond content and excited to be single and bask in my own energy in my adult life, I end up fairly quickly meeting someone that meets enough of my criteria to at least have fun dating.
Now, as many of you know, I’m engaged, so I’m officially off the market.
BUT as someone who has always been an avid student of the love-curriculum, a self-proclaimed Carrie Bradshaw of sorts—doing it for the plot and for field research and to heal my own inherited and disastrous wounds in love— I’ve never experienced a dating recession. And I’ve got a bunch of tips and tricks for dating that have helped me to at the very least make connections and collect data when I was bored.
Yes, I said collect data — dating is data collection after all.
And unless you came from a relatively perfect family with a healthy and loving relationship modeled to you by your parents, you likely need to collect data to actually figure out what the hell it is you want as end-game anyway.
As the girl who has done it all (I’m talking dating the perfect partners to full blown narcissists to going on 7 dates in a row with a vegan musician who WOULDN’T KISS ME unless I committed to him LOL) and as a now retiree from the dating scene, I feel it’s my moral duty and obligation to share some of my best tips, tricks, and thoughts with you.
First of all, yeah. Dating apps suck. I would never advise you to use them. Not that there’s any shame in doing so, it’s just not my cup of tea.
I used Tinder briefly when I was nineteen and single for a couple of years, and BOY do I have some funny stories from the two dates that I went on.
(Ask me about this. No really. I’ll tell you the story if you want to know, but probably only if you’re a paid subscriber. Because even for me, there’s limits to how much of my personal history I want to publicly disclose to 12,000 followers. Call me shy or whatever.)
Also, sidenote: ask me about the time I was a personal dating assistant for a CEO on Wall Street. Lol. Suddenly I’m realizing that I’m more qualified to write this article than I thought.
Lets reel it back though. If you ARE going to do dating apps, my tips are simple:
Get on a FaceTime and vibe-check your potential dates before wasting your time meeting them in person. Make sure you’re not being catfished and that they’re not exclusively looking for sex.
Always have an exit strategy. I would always have a friend just a text away, ready to call me fake-crying with an emergency like “my boyfriend just dumped me” and I’d pull that card after an hour or so, saying “I’m so sorry, but I have to go support her during this very hard time.” Meeting strangers on the internet is weird and it’s nice to set timelimits and take time to integrate. (Also, I was nineteen. Dont’t judge my excuses.)
Meet them out and be your own ride. Safety precautions, of course.
But for those of you who are like me, and who really just know/knew that you’re not going to meet your person on a dating app, or at a bar or a club, this is my most coveted tip, mkay?
During my single & celibate season in college, I got bored. So I decided I needed to put myself out there again. AND I didn’t like the dating apps or hook up culture, so I was kind of dreading it. I’m (annoyingly) one of those people who needs high intellectual stimulation and connection, but I’m also human and I have a need for affection and touch and the possibility for more.
Not only that, but it seemed that every time I saw someone who might actually be worth considering, it was in the most inconvenient and awkward places. Libraries. Coffee shops. Yoga classes.
And holy shit don’t even get me started on how painfully awkward it would be to make a move and get rejected by a stranger in public or in a dead-quiet library of all places.
But I also hate living with regrets and what-ifs.
SO. I came up with this strategy.
I wrote my name and number on a few pieces of paper and kept them in my phone case for if and when I came across someone who I had an intuitive hunch about.
I’d walk up to said person.
Nonchallantly say “I think you dropped this.” and then, quite valiantly, turn on my heel and all but run out the door as I beelined away. I know. Brave, right?
Thisallowed me to simultaneously be bold and make a move all while avoiding rejection and letting the other person have space to respond without pressure while also coming across as rather confident.
Genius, if you ask me.
Half of the time, I’d get a text. The sentiment was usually “holy shit that was so bold and cool of you and can I take you out on a date.”
Occasionally I’d get a text that was like “that was awesome, but I’m in a relationship.”
and half of the time, I’d never hear from them.
In the end, it was a win-win. There was never anything lost. If anything, at the very least I left a memorable impression and got a fun rush of adrenaline from putting myself out there.
I did once end up on a date with this attractive Michael B. Jordan lookalike guy I saw getting interviewed by a prolific writer in NYC. I brushed past their table, pulled my signature move, and ended up on a date with him two days later only to find out that he had actually just gotten out of jail for false imprisonment. Whoops. Good thing I had my exit strategy planned. Even I have my limits.
But I also mostly went on some pretty amazing dates and met some really cool people that definitely helped me collect my dating-data.
Either way, it felt good to not be passive in finding connection and experiencing love. It was really, really fun. It was my way of taking inspired action to making love happen instead of sitting around, disempowered and desperate and going after low-hanging fruit. No thank you!!
We create our own realities and make life happen instead of letting it happen to us around here.
It’s a much better approach than tolerating a situationship to bandaid loneliness, if you ask me, which sadly seems to be the defining romantic format for this generation.
But it doesn’t have to be that way.
You actually can just learn how to identify people who are not it.
And people who are unwilling to be vulnerable, feel like they have too many options (and so they don’t choose you) or lack of commitment overall, are certainly not it.
So when those people inevitable don’t show up in the way you need, you can create consequences (lovingly) and move on if it’s not aligning.
I know right? Crazy that we have the free will to believe in our worth.
Of course, there’s so much more advice I have to give you on actually being treated the way you deserve.
I’ve got loooootssss of tips and tricks up my sleeve that helped me believe in my worth and to make my worth and my standards clear. That helped me to not settle for anything less in my adult life.
And while yes, I’ve dated some….confusing and questionable apples, I’ve also dated spectacular apples.
And I can honestly say that all of the apples I gave the time of day to treated me well and did their best to meet my needs and desires. Because I wouldn’t accept anything less.
Anyway, I know that Vogue is out here publishing articles about how having a boyfriend is embarrassing now. Single is the new cool, and you know what? I’m not denying that. I love that women are having their thriving, single, happy, era without being called spinster-cat-ladies. Hell yeah. I’m all about it.
But being single doesn’t mean that you can’t also explore and have fun.
This newsletter is actually just my way of saying, girl, enjoy that single era and go collect data and have fun with other people when you want to! Dating while single can be FUN and COOL.
But you know what’s not cool?
Walling yourself off from love and connection when you want it.
Pretending you’re too cool to care.
Not taking risks and going after what you want boldly.
So. I’m claiming it. Finding love is cool.
I love love. I love being in love.
I love my fiance. I’m excited to model a representation of love that makes me fucking excited and giddy every day. That makes the idea of marriage actually feel more appealing and romantic than anything else out there.
Hold the standard, and call people forward.
I promise, there are people out there who won’t disappoint.
Questions, comments, requests, and thoughts welcome.
OK LOVE YOU, BYE!
-Bela
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