taking off the mask 🎭

if you read my piece called “a time to reflect”, you know i’ve been sitting in that heavy, frustrating space of feeling like a background character in my own life. wondering if i’ll ever truly find my thing.

well, i told you i was working on that reflection exercise, and honestly? doing the work is messy, uncomfortable, and completely necessary. i finally sat down, opened up the pages, and let myself be brutally honest about what i want, what’s holding me back, and who i actually want to become.

here is what came out of it. no filters, no pretending i have it all figured out, just the raw process of trying to figure it out.

My Reflection Journal

1. Goals: Write them in artistic detail.

hmm, this is a tough one. i haven’t really sat back and thought about my goals in a long time, and now that i do, i’m not entirely sure what i want. i definitely don’t want a 9-5, but i also don’t want to stay home…nope, definitely not that. i know i want financial freedom, something engaging to do, and the ability to spend my days however i choose. i want to build a business. growing up around business people, i realized that’s the kind of life i want to live, just a bit simpler: a successful business that provides real value to society, a steady income for me, and good opportunities for others. something that builds a solid reputation while still being something i genuinely enjoy. something that gives me the freedom to travel when i want, spend money freely, enjoy my free time, and live without constant stress.

at first, i liked the thought of a bakery, but unless it scales into a massive franchise like Crumbl, it wouldn’t be very profitable, and i don’t think i have that level of scale in me right now. or perhaps a marketing agency, something that gives new grads an edge in a horrible job market. honestly, why not both?

but first, i want to become a profitable trader. i need to know i have a high-income skill i can rely on when things get rocky or when businesses hit a slow patch. trading will let me work from anywhere, fund my future businesses, and hire top talent to run them day-to-day. that’s the vision: a profitable trader who uses her gains to create opportunities for others during tough times, with a peaceful life waiting at home. eventually, the businesses will run themselves while i spend my days traveling, learning new skills, meeting new people, creating art, and writing. and when i come home, i’ll spend time with family and friends, enjoy nature, drop by the bakery or the agency just to watch everything run smoothly from behind the scenes.

i picture having two homes. one near a lake, a redwood lodge-style house with a stone fireplace, the go-to spot for get-togethers, tucked near a beach, hiking trails, and a cozy local diner. the other house will be near the city: a quiet, hacienda-style home with an open courtyard, a pool, a lush garden, and an open-concept kitchen filled with flowers. it’ll have an outdoor art studio, a piano in the living room, and a balcony with an incredible view of the city.

2. Reminders & Affirmations

i’m a strong, independent woman

i’m in my feminine era

i’m successful

i’m at peace

i’m calm and collected

i’m profitable

i’m a good person

i’m helping society

i’m doing my best, and it’s enough

i know what i’m doing; i’m not an imposter

i can do anything i put my mind to

don’t let anyone else define who you are

i am enough

the right person will find and accept me exactly as i am

3. Visualisation

it’s a monday morning. i wake up composed, free of anxiety, with an open schedule and nothing heavy hanging over me. it’s 6:30 am and i’m looking at the charts, but i’m completely cool, knowing that whether this trade wins or loses, my emotional baseline remains steady. i set my trade and walk away. around 8:00, i make my coffee and pre-workout, catching up on a show or reading a bit while sitting on the verandah, soaking in the morning sun. i water my plants, smell the flowers, and check on the tomatoes i started growing.

then i head to the gym for a solid workout and a deep stretch, maybe a light run or jog if it isn’t leg day. coming home, i shower and enjoy a high-protein breakfast made with vegetables picked straight from my own garden, followed by more reading. later, inspiration hits, so i paint for a while. i check in on how the agency is running, and since a friend wants to grab lunch around 2:00, we head out for tacos. by 5:00, i’m at the boxing gym ready to train. it’s sparring day, and my partner pushes me, i learn a ton. after training, i stop by the bakery to see what’s fresh, head home to clean up, and maybe drop by the local bar for a nice drink. tomorrow i’ll go for a hike, and maybe next week i’ll take a trip. but today was a good day. i close it out by jotting down a few thoughts, drifting off to sleep without a single worry in the world.

4. Inquiry

how do i become a profitable trader?

how do i become independent?

how do i get over my fear of not being good enough or feeling like an imposter?

how do i convince my mind not to give up the moment things get hard?

what are some of the underlying issues i need to work on?

what are the specific skills i need to develop?

why don’t i have my ideal life yet? what’s actually stopping me?

what am i doing right?

what am i doing wrong?

what are the exact steps i need to take to bridge the gap to my ideal life?

what’s holding me back from becoming this version of myself?

5. Presence

in this moment, i feel a tightness in my chest rather than a heavy weight. i feel stuck, as if i don’t quite know what i’m doing or why i’m doing it. i’m a natural planner, but right now, i don’t have a plan…i feel like a fish just being swept along by the current. i’m at work, surrounded by the very habits and comforts i’ve been trying to step away from. they feel familiar and comforting, right up until the moment they don’t.

right now, i feel lost and confused. i want so much from life, but it feels like i lack the mental capacity, the discipline, or the patience to juggle it all. my expectations feel too high, leaving a massive, glaring gap between the person i am today and the person i want to become. everyone tells me “life doesn’t go according to plan,” which makes planning feel entirely useless, yet without goals, what am i even working toward? i just want a life that feels peaceful, calm, and easy to inhabit. sometimes, asking for that feels like asking for too much. i feel a wave of hopelessness and dread, battling between two voices: one that knows i have the capability to do great things, and another whispering that i’m just an imposter with a lot of external potential that’s ultimately going to go to waste.

6. Synthesis

how do i become a profitable trader?

i need to tighten my focus on my strategy, lean into real discipline, and actually sit through my trades. waking up consistently at 6:20 am gets me prepared to fully execute according to my rules, staying put until the trade plays out. i need to actively manage my fomo and greed, stop procrastinating on my backtesting, and figure out my exact win rate. most importantly, i need to be patient when things don’t go my way and hold myself fully accountable. in trading, the only variable for profit or loss is you. the market does whatever it wants, and i can’t blame anyone else for my failures.

how do i become independent?

i need my own income and the courage to stand up to my family. i can’t be a pushover anymore. if i want to build the life i’m dreaming of, i have to let go of the need to be flawless in their eyes and accept that changing their expectations will be uncomfortable. but if i keep trying to be who they want me to be, i’ll sacrifice the person i am meant to be. as soon as i have the financial foundation to back it up, it’s time to step into that independence. sometimes, stepping into your own life means accepting that you will disappoint people who have a rigid script written for you.

how do i get over my fear of not being good enough or imposter syndrome?

by making peace with myself. i’ve said it before: the only person i am guaranteed to live with for the rest of my life is myself. i need to stop demanding perfection and just allow myself to be human. people fail; no one is good at everything, and you don’t need to be. as long as i enjoy what i’m doing and feel satisfied with it, external opinions don’t matter. i’m so quick to grant grace and accept flaws in everyone else, why do i treat myself like the sole exception? i need to learn how to be genuinely content with who i am right now.

how do i convince my mind to not give up as soon as i start failing?

by treating failure as a data point, not a verdict. you can’t learn anything worthwhile without making mistakes. when someone points out what you did wrong, or when you aren’t great at something the first time around, don’t take it personally. think back to when you first tried accounting, you weren’t good at it then, either, but look how that turned out because you gave yourself permission to learn. all it takes is practice, patience, and a willingness to be teachable. you aren’t always going to be the smartest person in the room, and if you ever are, you’re in the wrong room.

what are some of the issues i need to work on?

my imposter syndrome, my fear of not being good enough, my fear of being alone or abandoned, my anxiety around disappointing others, my short attention span, my fomo, my lack of patience, my inconsistent discipline, my default pessimism, and the tendency to feel things far too deeply and personally.

what are some of the skills i need to develop?

discipline, patience, self-acceptance, and healthy habits like journaling and emotional release. alongside those, tangible skills: mastering the art of trading, improving my painting technique, expanding my vocabulary, language learning, better investment habits, sharp time management, open communication, and everyday assertiveness.

why don’t i have my ideal life yet? what’s stopping me?

my lack of sustained patience, scattered direction, poor daily discipline, and the urge to try and do everything all at once. this is a marathon, not a sprint. i need to slow down, because life isn’t about rushing to some final destination; it’s entirely about the journey.

what am i doing right?

right now, it’s easy to feel like nothing is going right, but that’s just the hopelessness talking. let’s be fair: as of right now, i’ve stopped risking real capital and stepped back to paper trade so i can calm my nerves. i’m learning to filter out things that aren’t meant for me. by writing all of this down, i’m actively acknowledging the problem, which is the hardest first step. i’m trying out new baking recipes, and i’m making a conscious effort to cut down my screen time so i have actual space to live my life.

what am i doing wrong?

honestly, listing this part is almost too easy… which is just the pessimism talking again. i haven’t been waking up at 6:00. i’ve been skipping workouts and isolating myself. my diet and boxing technique have slipped. i’ve been putting off backtesting my strategy, letting laziness creep into my trading and business goals, and occasionally prioritizing the wrong things entirely.

what are the steps i need to take to get my ideal life?

the best way to step into your ideal life is to act like it’s already yours, which should be simple enough to start practicing. tomorrow morning, i wake up at 6:30 to paper trade my strategy with full focus. i’ll make my coffee and pre-workout snack, hit the gym with genuine intent, and stock the fridge with groceries tailored to my high-protein goals. i’ll trade mindless screen time for reading, writing, or painting. i’ll stay 100% present, refine my strategy through consistent backtesting, spend quality time with family without losing my temper, and map out a concrete business plan. i’ll show up fully to boxing instead of half-assing it, cook a new recipe when i get home, journal my thoughts before bed, and repeat the rhythm the next day.

what’s stopping me from becoming this version of myself?

literally nothing except my own mind. i set my own limits, and it is long past time to take my foot off the brake.