When They Don’t Follow You In Real Life

So we’ve accepted that we want a different life. Read More
We’ve accepted that it might make us the villain. Read More
We’ve even accepted that we have to be a little delusional until the life we want starts showing up. Read More

But here’s where it gets real, the part no one really talks about.
When you start choosing yourself, your circle shifts.
The energy changes. The people change. The conversations change.
And sometimes, you realize the ones you thought would be around forever no longer fit the version of you you’re becoming.

Let’s talk about that.

The saying “You are the five closest people to you” couldn’t be more true.
We’re shaped by what and who we’re around.

We couldn’t choose our families, but we can choose our friends.

Friendships happen in all kinds of ways. Through a friend of a friend, through socials, living in the same neighborhood, or even in a shared moment of burnout or laughter. Sometimes it’s proximity. Sometimes it’s divine timing. Sometimes it’s that coworker who quietly becomes a friend.

Looking back, I can see that most of my friendships formed out of a few of these, and it’s interesting to see where each friendship is now. The one lesson I’ve learned is that hurt people hurt people, even when they don’t mean to.
And a lot of friendships fade not because something went wrong, but because the frequency changed.

Some connections feed your spirit. Others drain it.
Awareness alone changes everything.

The Low-Effort or No-Effort Friend
The one you barely hear from unless it’s convenient or when they need something. Sometimes it’s mutual, and that’s fine. But if you value consistency and you’ve voiced that, and nothing changes, maybe that friendship isn’t for you.

The Floater Friend
The one who drifts between groups but never feels like they belong anywhere. Some floaters are social butterflies, and that’s good. Others float because they’ve never felt truly seen in any particular group. I was that once. Peace came when I stopped chasing belonging in rooms that dimmed my light.

The Jealous Friend
The one who envies your peace, your looks, your opportunities, your relationships, but hides it behind subtle backhanded comments or silence.
You share something exciting, and they downplay it or say nothing at all.
You can pour into them endlessly, try to bring them with you and it still won’t be enough.
Their jealousy isn’t your job to heal.

The Self-Focused Friend
The one who’s always centered in the story, their plans, their feelings, their needs. You listen, help, support, but when you need the same energy, they vanish.

The Acquaintance Friend
Friendly. Fun. Nice. But not a friend. You can appreciate them without expecting more.

The Reason-and-Season Friend
The one who was meant to walk with you through a chapter, not the whole book. You outgrow each other, and that’s okay.
Holding on too long makes it harder. Accepting the time you shared and letting go makes it honest.

The Aligned Friend
The one who gets it. The one who doesn’t compete, compare, or keep score.
They show up, not just when it’s easy, but when it matters.
They clap for you in rooms you’re not in. They mirror your growth, not your triggers.
They’re grounded, self-aware, emotionally connected, and they celebrate your evolution because they’re also working on their own.

Alignment in friendship feels like peace, not performance or competition.

When you start changing, when you stop over-giving, when you start honoring your boundaries, when you choose peace over chaos, not everyone will clap.
Some people will say you’ve changed. Or your “acting different.”
And they’re right. You have. You are.

But that’s the point.

You can’t heal and stay the same.
You can’t level up and keep the same patterns.

Not everyone can go where you’re going, not everyone wants to go where you’re going and that’s ok.

I think old friendships are the most fragile because they are the people who knew your old self and sometimes they can’t see the new you.
Especially if they haven’t done their own work, your growth becomes their trigger.

If you didn’t grow up with emotionally safe women, connection can feel confusing.
You might struggle to trust, to open up, to let yourself be seen.

If you were never affirmed, if no one told you “you’re enough,” “you’re safe,” “I’m proud of you,” you might subconsciously befriend people who replicate that same emotional absence.

It’s not your fault. It’s conditioning.

Many of us were raised to be silent.
Don’t be too loud. Don’t make a scene. Don’t draw attention to yourself.

I also believe we were taught to compete.

And before I go further, I don’t believe in the narrative that all women are catty.
But there are some truths in how we’ve been programmed.

Society thrives on comparison: the popular versus unpopular, the desirable versus not, the slim versus the curvy.

Box after box after box.

We learned comparison before we learned connection.
But that’s survival, not truth.
Healing is remembering we were never meant to compete, we were meant to see each other. We were meant to form community.

As a first-gen woman, I can confirm through and through that self-care or using my voice wasn’t taught. It was, at times, frowned upon.

But that’s the beauty of being an adult. Of experiencing, reflecting, and growing.
It becomes our responsibility to heal ourselves first, through self-awareness, then acceptance, then action.

And that process almost always includes evaluating our relationships, looking at the part we play and what we can do to fix it.
Because sometimes the issue isn’t with your “friends.”
Sometimes it’s with you, for forming attachments to low-vibrational people when you were still living in a low-vibrational version of yourself.

Of course, everyone has their own lessons, traumas, and timing. But today, we’re talking about you.

If I’m being real, I used to be the over-giver.
The planner. The dependable one.
The friend who showed up even when I couldn’t afford to.

I thought love was effort.
I thought reliability meant being chosen.

But when life hit, heartbreak, loss, career shifts, grief, I learned who could truly stand beside me.
And the truth is, some people just couldn’t.
Not because they were bad people. They simply didn’t have the capacity or emotional intelligence.

It was the new people, the acquaintances, the strangers, and me.
I showed up for me.

Maybe that’s how healing really begins, when you stop waiting to be chosen and start choosing yourself instead.

Forgiveness took time, but it gave me peace.
It let me understand that friendship trauma is real, but it’s also repairable.

Once I understood my patterns, making friends stopped feeling impossible and started feeling intentional.

Making friends as an adult isn’t hard. It’s intentional.
It takes energy, awareness, and reciprocity.
It’s about showing up as your healed self, not your hurt one.

If you want deeper friendships, start here:

Be a friend to yourself first.
Your relationship with yourself sets the tone for everything else.

Audit your circle.
Who fills you? Who drains you? Who feels good in your body after you talk to them?

Find aligned spaces.
Go where your next self would be, classes, communities, creative events, online or in person.

Say what you need.
If you value consistency or emotional safety, say that. Boundaries reveal alignment.

Let friendships end peacefully.
You don’t need to villainize anyone to move on. Some endings are quiet and sacred.

Choose depth over drama.
You’ll always attract what your energy can hold.

Protect your peace.
Your nervous system knows when something’s off. Listen to it.

It’s okay to be in-between circles.
It’s okay to feel like you’re starting over.
It’s okay to not have “your people” yet.

You’re not behind, you’re in alignment.
You’re clearing space for your frequency to attract the ones meant for this version of you.

Because when you start showing up as your whole self, boundaries, softness, and all, the right people will recognize you.

And when they do, you’ll realize the wait was worth it.

You don’t need twenty best friends.
You just need the ones who feel safe, who see you clearly, who celebrate your evolution instead of missing who you used to be.

So trust your gut. Protect your energy. Stay soft.
And above all, be a friend to yourself first,
because she’s the one who’s going with you all the way.

For Readers Who Feel This Deeply

Not everyone who benefits from your growth will understand it, and that can feel isolating.

Inside the paid tier, I write about identity shifts, outgrowing old dynamics, learning to trust yourself without external validation, and building a life that feels aligned.

If you’re navigating a season of becoming, especially one that doesn’t make sense to everyone else yet, you’re welcome to join the paid tier below.