Storm Struck - tornados, heart attack, when life leaves you spiraling

Hi friend,

It’s been a few weeks of turbulent weather here in middle Tennessee. There’s comfort in knowing that everyone is affected by the sky. We all notice the sudden darkness, the strange clouds, and the winds picking up. It sends a shrill through you. Whether you’re afraid of storms or not there’s a healthy dose of fear and respect for the power. Tornados don’t mess. There’s no discrimination. You are either in the path or you’re not… So you hunker in, seek shelter and pray.

But what about the sudden storms that turn your life upside down? We’ve been going through our own personal assault. On Palm Sunday, April 13, my husband had a heart attack. It’s surreal even typing out these words. If you knew my husband you’d understand. He’s fit, 51… exercise and eating clean are his love language. His only vice is black coffee. So imagine our confusion when he did pushups that Sunday morning and comes in shaking. His only complaint was weakness in the back of his arms. He felt like he needed to burp. I got him a glass of water and that’s when it became scary. The glass was shaking in his hand. I immediately called the paramedics. All of their tests were normal. They advised us to go to the hospital, but we thought he was just weak from the pushups, so we followed them to the end of our our lane and then turned back around and came home.

We had plans that day. We were taking our daughter to the airport and she needed to go right then! I’m so glad the holy spirit nudged me to get him checked. Turns out his weakness in the back of his arms was THE Widow Maker heart attack. The largest artery in his heart was 100% blocked… the death rate is 90%. I can’t stress enough how important it is to listen to your body. We almost didn’t go! I’ve played the what ifs too many times in my mind. All I know is God is merciful and we were given a second chance. He had a stent put in, blockage was removed and he’s doing so well.

Unfortunately, it’s the aftermath that has been an emotional war zone. Here’s the order of events for mine… shock/denial, numb, fearful, relief, gratitude, complete bliss out, a tinge of anger…why, exhaustion, exhaustion, exhaustion, exhaustion… His also includes paranoia. Every little twitch, inhale, pang results in self evaluation and concern. The blood pressure cuff and oxygen monitor have become his best friend. Even though his readings are always better than mine (cue my own anxieties), the truth is we never know what’s lurking beneath the surface. Whether it’s health related, financial, relational etc. storms come at the most inopportune time and leave us in a complete daze. You can try to prevent them. Do everything right, but storms will affect all of us. What will you do when yours hits?

For me, especially after going through this latest hit, my faith was the constant thing that sustained me. I didn’t really even have the wherewithal to pray on my own. I couldn’t form a thought, yet I felt the Lord’s presence. I knew He was with us. I just knew. I let everyone I could possibly think of know, so they could stand in the gap and pray for us. I received hundreds upon hundreds of messages of encouragement. People sharing their own stories. Relating. Telling me it was going to be okay. Praying when I couldn’t. I’m so humbled that they (my invisible social media family) showed up. If anything, it made me feel less lonely and carried. Thank you, if you’re reading now, God knew I needed you and it made all the difference.

There was a time in the hospital when I freaked out a bit. I felt fear creep in. He’d just been taken back for his procedure. I was in the cafeteria alone, tired, hungry, emotionally drained from the shock and I felt it. The despair. The loss of control. My mind started circulating… what will my life look like going forward? Will he ever be normal again? Will he die? Will I be alone? I know that’s normal, but it can send you spiraling really fast if you don’t grasp those reigns of fear and whoa the horse down. Besides quoting scripture, my go to for fighting anxiety is to try with every fiber of my being NOT TO THINK. Our minds are powerful and the flesh is geared towards negativity, so you have to shut it down.

These are a few of my favorite scriptures:

Isaiah 54:17 No weapon formed against me shall prosper…

Psalm 46:1 God is our refuge and strength, a very present help in trouble.

Isaiah 43:2 When you pass through the waters, I will be with you; and when you pass through the rivers, they will not sweep over you. When you walk through the fire, you will not be burned; the flames will not set you ablaze.

Psalms 23 The Lord is my shepherd, I lack nothing. He makes me lie down in green pastures, he leads me beside quiet waters, he refreshes my soul. He guides me along the right paths for his name’s sake. Even though I walk through the darkest valley. I will fear no evil, for you are with me; your rod and your staff, they comfort me. You prepare a table before me in the presence of my enemies. You anoint my head with oil; my cup overflows. Surely your goodness and love will follow me all the days of my life, and I will dwell in the house of the Lord, forever.

I wrote this next paragraph a week before the heart attack…

When I fly if we hit turbulence my hands go numb. If I get a weird ache or pain, I start Googling and fall down the dread rabbit hole… the what ifs can paralyze me. Even a bad report or scary prayer request for a loved one can even make me spiral…what if that was me? What if my husband left me? What if my child was taken? What if all our finances were suddenly drained, etc? There are countless things that can send us into panic mode. I think the common thread among all the unthinkable things is loss. Loss of life, health, money, security, love…control. But what I know beyond a shadow of doubt is that God goes before me. His hand is on me and no matter what, I will walk in faith. Faith is simply trusting that God is going to do what He promised. When the shaking comes, and it comes for all of us, we get to remember who we are in HIM. We are unshakable, because we are HIS!

God goes before us, He knew and He loved us through.

I love the song Yahweh by Mathew Stevenson and Chandler Moore. The lyrics remind you of His faithfulness. He is all powerful. He’s worthy of our praise. He’s our guide… our cloud by day, fire by night.

Fitness post heart attack:

Doing an hour a day of walking on our hill.

Favorite heart healthy recipe:

Parmesan Cod Recipe! Absolutely MOAN worthy! You’re welcome:)

Working on: Tornado art

A week before the attack I had a tornado dream. This is a constant recurring dream in my life. Whenever things are about to get messy I usually have this dream. God is so good to give me a heads up. Funny thing is, my Brian had his first tornado dream after the attack. That loss of control thing is real. God has been speaking to Brian, reminding him to “let Him do it.” So that’s the theme for this art. BTW I was intending to do the tornado painting before all of this happened. Seriously, can’t believe how nothing is wasted with the Lord. Keep praying for us:)

What Brave Thing Have You Done This Week?:

My brave things have revolved around promoting the book recently. In addition to just moving forward in a new normal I sent a follow-up letter to my doctor. He mentioned he might sponsor my book to get it in Covenant School. They had a mass shooting a few years ago and I just know they need my book. Brave baby steps. Do what is in front of you! Trust He goes before you.

What Else Am I Working On?:

So glad you’re here!