Thyroid surgery (and other things)

I noticed the right side of my thyroid swelling up in July. Bloodwork showed perfect thyroid function and three biopsies showed no malignancy. It was just… there. And growing.

I was referred to an endocrinology surgeon who recommended removal of the swollen half before it got bigger and more physically problematic, and I had that surgery three days ago.

We don’t have private health insurance, but decided to self-fund and go private for this procedure. Jesse and I both feel like life might continue be a little messy in the coming months, so paying to get this done now felt less stressful than waiting for a call asking me to come in for surgery at a busy (or difficult) time.

I’m endlessly grateful that we had the resources to make that decision.

Recovery is easier than I anticipated. I’m being encouraged to keep moving and go for walks, and rest in between. I have a sore throat from being intubated, and my neck is sore for obvious reasons. Fatigue comes in waves. The pain is manageable with constant, high doses of paracetamol.

Jesse is, of course, the best carer anyone could ask for. The day I came home he made a gigantic batch of kitchari – delicious, gentle on a post-intubation sore throat, and nourishing. I can’t drive until I can turn my head quickly, so he’s been chauffeuring me to different spots for slow, easy walks, and reminding me to rest in between bouts of activity.

Now I wait, and heal, and get regular blood tests in the hopes that I’m one of the 90% of people who don’t need medication after having half of their thyroid removed.

I’m pretty keen to get back into proper physical activity, but slow and steady is the name of the healing game.

Before I left the house on the morning of the surgery, I deleted my personal Instagram account. Lately, I’ve been taking longer and longer breaks from using it, and the breaks felt so good that I knew I’d eventually walk away from it entirely.

For some reason, deleting Instagram and going under general anesthesia on the same day felt right.

In the waiting rooms before surgery, I was too nervous to read the book I have on my phone, so I put the device down and just… existed. I intentionally noticed things, like the color of the paint on the walls, the sound of construction outside, my breath moving my belly, and the selection of magazines on the table near me.

I’ve been doing more of this lately as I’ve used less social media. But in the final hours before surgery, combined with my fear of general anesthesia, the thrill of knowing I’d finally cut the biggest cord – Instagram – was exhilarating.

I’m embarrassed writing about this like it was some kind of revelation, but my flavor of phone addiction is so normalized that it feels like a revelation to me.

I’ve been using Instagram to get hits of dopamine and pass the time for over a decade now. It’s going to take time to heal my brain from that abuse, but I’m ready.

Over the last three days, without a solid doomscrolling habit to pass the time, I’ve been:

• going on at least one slow, easy, 30-minute walk each day

• reading Absolution, the final book in Jeff VanderMeer’s Southern Reach series, which is (so far) as unsettling and psychedelic as the rest

• birdwatching, either through a window or sitting outside with binoculars

• feeding the currawongs

• staring at trees, watching leaves move, which is a really underrated activity

• cuddling Robocop, who’s thrilled that I’m on the couch a lot

• drinking (probably) too much bubble tea (don’t judge me)

• watching The Expanse, a cheesy-but-fun sci fi series based on books that Jesse is reading

• watching the second season of Wednesday, mostly to gag at Morticia

• watching the new season of RuPaul’s Drag Race UK, and an older season of Canada’s Drag Race

• watching Country Life Vlog

And finally, Nice Things that make me Feel Good from September/October so far:

• eating more meals away from screens

• refusing to let work stress bleed into my personal time

• making a bigger effort to replace attachment (people, things, ideas) with intimacy and connection

• more fiber supplementation

• less animal products

• keeping my head shaved, which honestly feels like a cheat code for life, and I kind of want to write a post about it (should I?)

• reminding myself to care less for the opinions of people that don’t have the kind of life I’d ever want to have

• eating left over fridge rice with Lao Gan Ma as a snack

• remembering to use my red light LED face mask more often

• selecting an album to listen to instead of an algorithmically-generated playlist

Anyway. I’m tired now and I need to lie down.

Love you, bye!