My mom died Saturday, February 21st at 10:35am. I was with her. I was gently stroking her fingers wondering “how could a person die if their fingernails still looked strong and graceful?” “What is she thinking about right now?” “Is she trying to make this go quicker?” “Does she have any control right now?” “Does she feel like we said the right things to her?” as she lay on the bed choking and gasping, blood filling up her lungs. I gently stroked her hair, told her I loved her and felt deeply self conscious. Each word coming out of my mouth felt inadequate. It all felt meaningless in that moment. But was it? You are suddenly on the saddest and strangest stage of your life. This is your moment, your chance to get the deepest most profound loving words to your mom as she gasps her last breaths out of this life.
Shortly after she died I was standing at my parents kitchen window looking out, trying to grasp what had occured that morning. I looked down at my cup of coffee. My heart felt like it was breaking, literally. Do I finish the cup of coffee I had started when she was still alive this morning? Do I pour it out? Do I start over with fresh coffee? Should I go look at her dead body in the bedroom? What do I do right now? Holy fuck, I hate this. What now?
I am back in Massachusetts. I talked about her death on the podcast. We recorded it yesterday.
It did feel good to talk about it and I’m glad to share it on the podcast. It has been incredibly meaningful to me to find kindred spirits who have heard me talk about my mom the last two years and have reached out to me. Either thru messages on instagram, here, email or in person when I’m selling merch for Lou. Hard deaths connect people who were once strangers.
Thank you all, truly, for coming along with me on the most challenging adventure of my life thus far. I’m juggling clarity and confusion in almost equal measure this past week. I am taking it one day at a time.
-Adelle
Here is my mom’s obituary if you’d like to read it.
My Mom, Valerie, on vacation with my dad in 2012.
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