A contemporary diary of current every-day events large and small, inspired by the work of 17th century writer and politician Samuel Pepys.
Another fortnight has passed without me writing anything. Reason mainly remains the same, too little energy . The world is spinning downward a strong maelstrom of ignorance, propaganda, exploitation, oppression, and laziness on the part of those who actually could change things for the better, namely inhabitants of the colonialist countries of Europe and the US. All markers for looming…
Finally! Sun, 24°C indoors, seems like summer has arrived. Hope it’ll stay for a little while. Re: the past twelve days, except for ‘making a living’ and binge-watching several series in parallel, nothing much happened. Too little energy, too much work. Some of which at least is fun. Have a song waiting to be finalised that hence can’t take priority, though, which is sad.
Been thinking that the fact that I am still COVID-cautious, wearing a proper mask whenever outside my flat and with other people, makes me a weirdo in the eyes of nearly everyone. Does that make me sad? Yes. Will I change my behaviour? No.
Psychologists and psychiatrists would call what I feel a depression and prescribe medication, meditation, and probably quite a list of activities. But the fact that all my coworkers, friends, and family are relying heavily on software made by filthy rich narcissists to spread fascist ideology globally and put fascists in positions of power — that fact can’t be treated with medication, meditation,…
Kept thinking, My life hasn’t been nice in quite a while, but recently, I’ve come to strike My. Life for the overwhelming part of humanity hasn’t been nice in a while and keeps getting worse. My personal life has last been nice when I spent the winters in Thailand where many, if not most people aren’t eager amassing more and more possessions, but are (or at least, seem to be) content with what…
Just remembered that in Wolof, according to Wikipedia ¹ the most widely spoken language in Senegal and also common in Gambia and Mauritania, the words Nanga def mean How are you and will often be replied to with Maangi fi (rek), which means I’m fine but has the literal meaning I am (just) here. ² I still think this is one of the most beautiful ways of thinking about one’s current state. ¹…
What in the dark ages of the internet were unsolicited e-mails with ‘funny’ video attachments (which back then took ten and more minutes to download and weren’t funny in the slightest), are nowadays links to ‘funny,’ ‘amazing’ ‘AI’-generated content (which destroys the environment and human brains and is not funny or amazing in the slightest). I am now on a path to becoming a luddite 1 , 2 . ¹…
One of the funniest things these days: people who are ill for weeks, bed-bound with fever, exhaustion, brain fog, but insist, ‘It’s not COVID!’ Asked, ‘Did you test ¹ ?’ they usually say, ‘No, but it’s not COVID.’ ¹ Negative RAT ² results never meant you’re not infected , it’s only been the positive ones that are interesting because then you know that you are. Tests now aren’t very reliable,…
Some days almost warm ¹ recently; but evenings still feel quite like the late autumn ones. ¹ Most people living in northern parts of Europe consider 22°C warm . I don’t. Below 27°C is still fresh .
Been thinking, does it constitute cognitive dissonance that most people crave to be part of the herd ¹ and be uniquely individual ² at the same time? ¹ As indicated by their confirming to popular beliefs. ² As indicated by their fashion choices.
First time in a long time today, and one of very few occurences anyhow, that someone behaved aggressively towards me simply for wearing a mask at the shop. If that’s the freedom they mean, I don’t want it, thank you very much. Go ahead and get sick as much as you want, but let me protect my health, please.
Have to admit to myself that I am not particularly good at maintaining a diary. Almost all of April has passed without me writing a single word. Had a proper revelation at some point over these past four weeks: the less I tend to my musical work, the worse I feel. Hence took a time off my day jobs and worked on a new song, remastered an old one (both of which will be released in due time, but…
Wanted to tend the greenery on my balcony after several days of sun. But today it’s raining. Will have to clean the flat instead. Not looking forward to that. Today’s gratitude: new song continues to thrive and prosper. Will invite my good friend B. for a guitar solo. Now, that I am looking forward to.
Had some touching and uplifting encounters with kind people during the past week. Other than that, what happens outside the shelter that is my little flat is going in all kinds of wild and scary directions. Good news are few and far between, and hard to find. Despite all that, I’m working on a new song that keeps surprising me. Today’s gratitude: creativity can’t be muted or stopped by anything at…
Did a remix of a track from my friend B.’s new project. Very satisfying work which he liked a lot. That is also today’s gratitude; making music can save souls as much as listening to it.
Should anyone ever read this diary in distant future times, I will now once, and never again, apologise for the constant mention of the weather. My mood and state of mind are determined to a significant degree by the presence or absence of blue skies. Today it’s been presence in the a.m., and absence from noon onward. Much prefering the other way around, I’ll be okay still: lots of work to finish,…
Spring is gone, though Summer has yet to arrive. Today’s gratitude: my dear friend C. called to check on me because I didn’t reply to an e-mail. Good to know that I won’t be forgotten that easily.
Called my good friend N. who is knocked off his feet by ’the flu’ ¹ for more than three weeks already. Didn’t want to sound condescending, hence didn’t say out loud what I was thinking, A mask a day keeps the virus away. Today’s gratitude: spring has come early this year. Lots of blue up there, some fresh green down here, crocus and snowdrop blossoms here and there. ¹ Even if it actually is the…
Don’t cope well with the wild state the world is in. Will not allow myself to go mute, but I need more time being detached from the outside world than ever before. Today’s gratitude: worked on an old song from way back when I went by the moniker Zhouy . Will release it soon.
Fear is not real, says Will Smith as Cypher Raige in the 2013 M. Night Shyamalan film ’After Earth’ ¹ . He then continues, The only place that fear can exist is in our thoughts of the future. It is a product of our imagination, causing us to fear things that do not at present and may not ever exist. That is near insanity Kitai ² . Do not misunderstand me, danger is very real, but fear is a choice.…
Living in Germany currently, I can’t not take interest in today’s election’s outcome. Trumpification is well possible since the most likely candidate for the position as chancellor has spent the past few weeks of his campaign spitting against not only ’foreigners’ and ’illegal immigrants’, but also against the democratic protests that have seen many tens of thousands take to the street to try and…
The sun keeps showing up, the sky remains blue, and I’ve had some inspiring communication with kind people. Got reminded that we—as in, humankind—find ourselves amidst a huge transformation. Stumbling, struggling, and even pushbacks are to be expected. But in the long run, empathy will endure. It has been one key element of humanity’s evolution ¹ , after all. ¹…
Three days in a row with bright blue sky almost managed to wake me up from my hiatus. The cold sent me back to a horizontal position. Does acknowledging in how deep of a shit the world is currently qualify as depression? I don’t think so.
Weren’t it this cold, I could’ve almost enjoyed the day with its blue sky, relaxed mood, and the moon already coming out in the afternoon. Even managed to stay out of global politics for the most part. Working on some more percussion tracks for my friend B.’s band recordings also helped. Later on it was day job again, which turned night job quickly. Should probably sleep earlier.
Have to admit that the tides of events and actions outside the little safe haven of my flat are paralysing me. Don’t seem to find the energy to even write. Nothing much happened on a personal level for the past week, but democracy keeps being shot at and deeply hurt. Is my hope dying stillborn? ¹ ¹ theopiatemagazine.com/2017/05/03/lawrence-durrells-justine…
Should a fairy visit me today and grant me one wish, and one wish only, it would certainly be, When my time has come, let me simply go to sleep at night and never wake up again. This is not a morbid sentiment, too; I am aware that I will have to die like anyone else before and after me, and I wish to live my life in keen awareness and my passing to be a natural surrender, not years of clinging to…
In a blink of an eye, a full week passed by. Including: a very welcome visit from my dear friend L. who came over from Spain, a sizeable amount of work done, lots of rest, relaxation, and hibernation, too much worrying about the current state of the world, an attempt at finishing watching the new Francis Ford Coppola film, so far unsuccessful ¹ . Today’s gratitude: simple food is always the best…
Desperately wondering, how can I possibly convince myself that things might turn out better than I fear they will? Yet gratitude, still: Tara, Willow’s girlfriend, saying, ’I go online sometimes, but everyone’s spelling is really bad, it’s depressing.’ That it is, Tara, that it is.
Grey day yet again; light grey, but grey nonetheless, and foggy in the evening. Spent most of the day waiting; for people calling back and replying to e-mails. Which they didn’t. Only got a fracture of the work done that I planned to complete today. Matched the mood with having frozen pizza for supper.
Very cold, but finally blue sky again; thoroughly improved mood included. Not going for a walk, however; things to do, and the whole town is out for a Sunday stroll. Finished a big chunk of work later today to my satisfaction.
Still struggling with the cold and the dark. Procrastinating, which of course makes matters worse. New circumstances appear to be in order.
Being deeply annoyed by most everything and everyone. Not helping: cold, utterly moist fog.
Being insignificant can, at times, be liberating in allowing you to simply vanish if you don’t wish to be bothered. At other times, however, it can be frustrating, demotivating, and sad. Because no one bothers.
Weren’t TFG ¹ also TNG ² , he’d most certainly go to prison ³ . He only does not go to prison because 72 million Americans (out of roughly 244 million eligible voters, or little more than one quarter ) decided to vote a convicted felon into office. Because, convicted he was ⁴ , even before this new verdict. Quite fittingly, after two days of uplifting sunshine, today returned to bleak grey,…
Perception of time certainly has changed since early 2020. (Five years ago, when the COVID-19 pandemic began taking hold ¹ .) Two days have passed, yet nothing worth remembering happened. Got some work done, had some chit-chat over the phone, went back to watching ’Buffy’ ² which is quite fun. ¹ en.wikipedia.org/wiki/COVID-19_pandemic ² en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Buffy_the_Vampire_Slayer
My longtime friend J. J. came visiting. Coffee and cigarettes ¹ on the balcony, catching up indoors with masks. I’m glad my close circle continues to respect my wish for protection. (I’d be gladder still if they understood why I continue wearing masks and avoiding crowds; I wrote about that in early December .) ¹ A 1993 film by Jim Jarmusch that should be mandatory to watch these days because,…
Watching EUR e KA ¹ currently and wondering, how can people who slipped into another dimension, who are dead/ghosts, or non-physical for any number of reasons, who can cross through fences, prison bars, walls, and move through other people—how can they use stairs, lifts, and escalators; how don’t they just fall through any surface and deep into Earth’s core? And if they’re weightless, why don’t…
Grey, rainy day. Been thinking how humans are quick to criticise others yet equally quick to find excuses for their own behaviour. Funny how surveys usually find people claiming they themselves would of course behave well but, alas, the others won’t; much like a built-in whataboutism ¹ . Someone explain this species to me, please. Today’s gratitude: being well and thriving all by myself, and in…
Lots of work done, lots of groceries carried home, lots of words spoken on the phone. Cold, but sunlight most of the day.
Stormy times; enjoyed watching clouds hastily passing by on a dark-blue sky yesternight. Remembering night walks and moongazing of my youth. Found comfort in the thought that it is impossible to waste ¹ one’s life ² , whether or not one takes initiative. Whether or not I make things happen, things will happen anyway. Life is happening anyway. The entire idea of a purpose is the inherent capitalist…
Still to this day keep wondering why humans were not granted the gift of hibernation. Could sleep all day, there’s nothing worth visiting out there, and I don’t seem to be the only one; few people return my mail and calls.
Been working the entire day.
Been thinking today that there’s nothing civilised about civilisation. People are pressured into predefined behavioural patterns, into acceptance of common beliefs—however wrong they may be ( COVID is over )—, into adopting hierarchies, into succumbing to the new feudal class of obscenely rich tech overlords. Read an intriguing article on the matter again ¹ . We modern citizens are living wrong…
Snowfall for the entire day; living in the city, this means a brief moment of beauty followed by grey, slushy, muddy streets. Today’s gratitude: being able to stay indoors once again.
Once more some blue sky and sunshine, though unlike on Dec. 20th, not just ’til noon but well into the afternoon. (Now it’s raining yet again.) Slowly getting back into labour routine. Could do with a few work-free months, but my bank account says otherwise. Found an article ¹ that explains well the grounds for my refusal to accept hierarchies; and another one ² that goes into detail about how and…
In the year 153 B.C.E. ¹ , Roman consuls made January 1 the first day of the office year, in 45 B.C.E. the Julian calender takes effect as the civil calendar of the Roman Republic, establishing January 1 as the new date of the new year. ² Over the centuries, many countries followed suit. (Thais celebrate 1 January, but also the Chinese New Year between 21 January and 20 February ³ , and Songkran…
If years could speak, I wonder, what would be the last words of this one? Sorry, I didn’t mean to? Or would it say, I told you so? Or even, Mission accomplished?
The penultimate day of the year presented itself not much different from almost all of November and December; cold, wet, and grey. Spoke with my friend C. today who insited that, politically, we’re all but doomed. Those in charge, whom we elected to act on our behalf, act blatantly against our needs instead. Had not much to say to counter this observation.
Asking myself, am I misanthropic for merely stating the fact that most people are neither willing, nor able, to act democratically? Thinking about ego ¹ a lot these days, or rather, self-centredness ² , which makes us reach for a piece of cake before anyone can get it, cling stubbornly onto our opinions, and get trapped in feelings of guilt, as Thubten Chodron ³ puts it. Hence, diagnosing people…
Watched a documentary about young Japanese people and their apparent lack of interest in sex and relationships, but what really stuck with me was: all those mask-wearers. Would very much appreciate seeing them in Europe, the U.S. of A., and other Western-influenced countries, too. Not even in doctors’ surgeries and hospitals masks are mandatory anymore. Meanwhile, patients keep dying of…