I’m Not Selling This

Every new year, we’re encouraged to announce what we plan to add to our lives. Those damn resolutions. New habits. New goals. New ambitions. You know.

Usually, right about now, what is it… Dr. King’s Weekend… I’ve already faltered and failed and am feeling like I should have never resolved to do the new thing in the first place.

So this year, I’m focused on subtraction.

This year, I’m removing the small compromises I have made that have accumulated slowly and quietly over the past year and become normal to me. Those things that don’t look like betrayal until you line them up side by side and realize how far they’ve carried you from what you actually believe.

I spend a lot of time in my work questioning systems and institutions and exploring ideas around identity and access and equality. And yet, like most of us, I still find moments where I participate in all the things I say I’m against. Not because I agree, but because it’s efficient and familiar and how the game is played.

Lately, I’ve been asking myself a question. What happens when I stop playing games I don’t believe in?

When we started ONWARD here on Substack, the intention was clear. Create a space that didn’t live at the mercy of an algorithm manipulated by a mega billionaire villain twirling his mustache.

Eight months later, there are more than 45,000 of you here. That number matters to me because attention, freely given, is not a minor thing. So, I thank you.

But from the beginning, ONWARD was never meant to be a vanity space for me and my work. And yet, I allowed a contradiction to slip in. I was told that without paid subscribers, my posts wouldn’t qualify for certain visibility on the bestseller lists and leaderboards. I understand those markers of legitimacy and I wanted to have them.

So I tried it. I launched with a paid subscribers tier and in the first week, I made “the list.”

And then I asked myself the only question that actually matters. So what? What does it mean to “win” that spot on the list? What does it mean to build a community while I’m quietly sorting it into tiers? I was disappointed with myself. Got caught slipping. So, I’m subtracting.

I don’t want a version of ONWARD that mirrors the hierarchies I’m here to question. I don’t want insiders and outsiders. Or, proximity mistaken for worth. Or, manufacturing intimacy with readers through commerce.

So, I’m making a change that brings this space into practice with its original purpose. ONWARD is now free for everyone all the time.

Every subscriber has access to everything. No tiers. No paywalls. One conversation.

If you’ve already paid, you’ll receive a prorated refund. Funds already collected will go directly toward supporting the broader mission of narrative change at the non-profit ARRAY. Your money - which I never withdrew from the Substack account - will be donated to championing artists and storytellers. If you’d rather me not share the money you’ve paid with ARRAY, just write me and I’ll send it back to you.

Please know that this isn’t a rejection of your support. It’s a refusal to confuse support with extraction. Your support now can look like reading, sharing and engaging however feels right to you - that doesn’t involve your dollars. I want to build something here because it matters, not because it’s monetized.

There’s a particular freedom in letting our choices match our critique and closing the distance between what we say and what we do. Ain’t always easy. But worth a shot when we can.

Thank you for being here. I’ve got some cool conversations coming up that I’m eager to share. I’ll be in conversation with historian Timothy Snyder, author of On Tyranny in the next couple of weeks. I’ll also be sharing recent talks I’ve had with filmmakers Guillermo del Toro, Nia DaCosta, Kahlil Joseph and Shih-Ching Tsou. I loved talking to them all and the conversations reflect their thoughts on craft, responsibility, freedom and empathy. All good things.

Happy King Weekend!

Onward,

Ava