Healing Pain in Polyamory

Two years ago, almost exactly, I wrote a post on my relationship to jealousy in polyamory.

At the time, Geof and I were dating a wonderful woman together. And I had found that triad relationships hit my system very differently than us dating independently. My triggers around exclusion almost disappeared, and along with them, most of my jealousy.

That girlfriend broke up with us a few months after the post was written. The thing about unicorn relationships is that they are often unstable: if the unicorn (aka “third in a relationship”, most often a woman) finds a primary partner she wants to be with, and that goes monogamous - you’re out. We couldn’t quite be upset; we liked the man she chose, and she seemed happy in it. Although we have gotten a little tired of being told “you gave me such a healthy model of relationship that it allowed me to find my own primary love!” We are glad to be training wheels; please send us money for the free course. :P

Recently, Geof and I have started dating again. And I’ve noticed something unexpected and wonderful. I have gone from being a deeply scared, protective person in polyamory - to feeling almost totally emotionally free.

In this post, I will attempt to explain why.

*Disclaimer: all self-perceptions and lessons contained in this post are post facto explanations for an emotional reality, and therefore may be total internal fictions. Brains love to make up logic chains. But this is what I THINK happened.

*Secondary disclaimer: I like digressions. Deal with it.

Slight digression here about unicorns. There is stigma against these relationships in the poly community - perhaps rightly, because it’s easy for those connections to benefit the couple more than the unicorn. Sometimes there is a power differential, especially if the couple is older. Sometimes the unicorn becomes a de facto relationship therapist. So I have some self-checked rules on when we should take on a unicorn. It’s only if:

• Our own relationship is really really solid, so we won’t be coming to them with our shit.

• We have enough time and emotional capacity to meet their needs.

• We have given them full disclosure on our time and emotional constraints, including the Ways We Are Weird (ex. neither of us are good at messaging, Geof sometimes forgets to make facial expressions, I am deeply demi-sexual so it will be a long time before I’m comfortable with bedroom play, and we travel a lot).

• They have an anchor relationship or other support structures in their life.

Rules, boundaries, and requests are a big part of polyamory. But I’ve learned a few things about them over time.

Polyamory is, to me, an essentially unsafe endeavor. Beyond the physical risks of disease that spread with the number of partners, most people are jealous by nature. We like to know what to expect in life. We like to know that we are loved, wanted, protected, and prioritized.

Polyamory introduces degrees of chaos and change. Relationships are about priorities: who you build your life around, and who influences your choices. More people equals more preferences and more priorities. Are you going to go on that vacation with your spouse, or to the wedding of your girlfriend’s sister? Are you going to move to Portland to be with your partner, or stay in Austin with your main squeeze? (I don’t know if people use the phrase “main squeeze” anymore. Forgive me, I have somehow become old.)

Polyamory also introduces questions of “am I wanted? Will I be protected? Will I be prioritized?” More people means more dates, more trips, a little less financial stability. It means more time away, so less emotional and physical stability. And it introduces a fear that your partner will find someone they love more and leave, which is less life stability.