I failed at negotiation for two decades

My first semester at MIT — where one negotiation course changed the course of my life.

I failed at negotiation and influence for two decades. I’ve been on both ends of the spectrum — first an avoider, then a conqueror. Neither served me well.

As the child of immigrants, my dad’s framing was always: be the MVP, and don’t rock the boat. That made me a quiet, diligent student. But when I was bullied by Bethany in fifth grade, it left me isolated and alone and so, so sad. Bethany’s ability to influence was so powerful that not only did my classmates refuse to sit with me at lunch or play with me at recess, but she convinced my teacher I escaped to the classroom because I was just shy.

5th grade Attia, hoping if I kept my head down I’d be ok.

After struggling through that year of heartbreak, we moved to Michigan, and the bullying started again. But I decided — not this time. So instead, I developed a thick shell, an exoskeleton, to protect myself, and faked it till I made it with assertiveness and confidence. My negotiation style went from avoidant to conquering. This meant I made strong demands, refused to budge an inch, and threatened to walk away.

While I did well bargaining, it didn’t help me build actual influence.

And while I wasn’t in as much direct pain, I was still lonely for the next decade.

I came to MIT for grad school, and in my first semester of John Richardson’s Power and Negotiation course, he said something that upended my worldview.

The Reframe
If I built a better relationship with the other party, and cared about their interests, I would get more tangible value now — and more in the future, through repeat interactions.

That single learning reoriented my ethos, because I realized I didn’t have to be that scared little girl inside or that tough chick with a hard exterior — I could actually be kind and thoughtful and considerate while still getting what I wanted.

This impacted me so much, I decided to make it my life’s work — which led me to write Never Settle with John, that same professor, and start my own consulting practice.

We negotiate dozens of times per day

Most people think that negotiation is something to either avoid or fight their way through, but we negotiate multiple times a day — anytime we try to influence a situation.

Once I discovered relational influence — it impacts us daily, hourly — I needed to show others how it would open up opportunities for more for them too. Now I help people get more — more time, energy, money, and stronger relationships.

That’s what I want for you too, and it’s what these emails are for.

Not only did relational influence change the trajectory of my career, it also opened up personal relationships. For someone totally out of luck in love, dozens of first dates deep with nothing to show for it, that door suddenly cracked open too — which I’ll share next, because it was one tricky negotiation.

Over the next few emails, I’ll tell you how I ended up on a cherry farm in northern Michigan, why John and I wrote the book, and what the work looks like now.

One of my favorite tools to get you started is my Archetype Quiz, which will highlight current patterns and the best moves for you to strengthen your influence skills.