I Want My Flowers Now

Today I turn 40 years old. When I was a kid, I thought 40 was SO OLD. Adults in my life had “Over the Hill” birthday parties at 40, complete with graveyard cake toppers and hearing aid gag gifts. Yuck. I’m glad we don’t really do that anymore.

But now that I’m officially 40, I don’t feel old. (Most days. Some days I look at my neck and think “where the ever-living-fuck did that come from?!”) Most of the time I don’t think about my age much at all, but birthdays especially “milestone” ones have a way of forcing reflection.

In some ways life is long. I’ve lived a lot of lives. I’ve been a librarian, a vintage shop owner, a prop stylist, a writer, a content creator, a teacher and a marketing manager. For one very weird, long weekend, I ran a hotdog stand at a motorcycle event. I’ve been a daughter, a sister, a wife, a best friend, a neighbor, a dog mom and a chicken wrangler. I’ve lived in apartments, an Airstream and a van. I’ve owned a small home and renovated it with my own hands. I’ve traveled to places my ancestors didn’t even know existed.

I’ve had crippling depression, anxiety and ADHD. I’m sure if I looked further into things I’d be diagnosed with further mental illnesses, but at this point it feels pointless. I’ve made mistakes and I have regrets, but overall I’m a generally happy person.

I do feel life is long. But it’s also short. I see my parents aging and I see my friend’s kids grow up and I know that this life (any life) won’t last forever. And that’s why I want my flowers now.

I’m throwing myself a birthday party this weekend. Is it “extra” for a 40-year-old woman to throw herself a birthday party on a flower farm complete with a grazing table and a photo wall of herself? Maybe, but I want my flowers now. I don’t want people to talk about my best qualities at my funeral. I don’t want a beautiful flower arrangement beside my coffin. I won’t be there. A funeral is never truly for the departed. It’s for the ones still on this mortal plane. I want to see my friends all in one place now. I want to reflect on my life now. I want my flowers now.

If there’s one thing I’ve realized it’s that we don’t do enough celebrating in life– especially for those of us who don’t have partners or kids. Life should be celebrated whether we have those external “success” markers or not. We are alive in this bright and terrible world and that’s enough of a reason to celebrate.

So on this day of my birth, I want to encourage you to give flowers. I don’t mean go out and physically pick flowers, but to compliment people, to tell them what they mean to you, to tell them how they’ve made your life better and to tell them you love them. Give the flowers now.