Too much too soon

Dear Isabel,

I haven’t been part of a religious community for years, but my spouse and I want our kids (2 & 4) to have some education about the Bible and things like that. So a couple of weeks ago, we tried out a church. The older one went to Sunday school and the younger one went to the very cute, fun toddler room, and we all liked our experience. My husband and I got a lot out of the sermon, the people we talked to after the service were very welcoming, and after the kids said they had fun, I thought maybe we had really found a good community.

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After our second visit this past Sunday, though, I asked my four-year-old what she learned in Sunday school, and she said they talked a lot about death in her group. They read a book about a boy whose grandfather had died, and they talked about what they think happens when we die. I think my four-year-old—any four-year-old—is too young for this topic! No one in our family has died since she was born, our pets are healthy, and we have not introduced her to this grim topic. Now she is asking about it. She asked whether our pets are going to die soon and even whether my dad and my husband’s dad are going to die. Everyone has to learn about death eventually, of course, but these are not conversations either of us thinks we should have with a pre-schooler! I worry that she’s become so worried about death so suddenly, and it makes me sad because I thought this church might be a good place for us.

I’m planning to meet with the minister about this, and wonder how you’d advise me to go about it.

–Depressed Kid, Bummed Mom

Dear Bummed,

Talking about death with our children is one of the hardest things we do as parents. I recently learned that in Mexico, there’s a saying that we each die three times experience. The second time is the death of our bodies; the third is when no one who is still alive remembers us anymore (remember this in the movie Coco?). The first? When we are children and learn that everyone dies. So, yes, it’s hard stuff. However, you are right—they do have to learn about death eventually, and like any other difficult aspect of life, it’s ideal for children to learn about it in the context of loving, supportive people who will be there to answer any further questions. Well done you for wanting that for your kids.

This will surprise you, but four is the age that many, if not most, children start to have questions about death. (In U.S. culture, anyway. It may vary around the world.) Whether or not anyone they know has died, they start to understand that death happens to every living thing, and naturally, they tend to have questions. Sometimes they are sad or scared. Sometimes they aren’t—they just want to know more. So, now that you know that your four-year-old was likely to be curious about death very soon even if she hadn’t had that Sunday school lesson, what will help you answer her questions honestly and support her in however it makes her feel?

It sounds to me as if, by luck or intuition, you made your way to the right place: a faith community that understands children’s emotional and spiritual development and has given the children a safe, loving place to bring their questions and feelings.

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If you were taken by surprise, that’s understandable. You didn’t know that these questions were likely to come your way. But your child does seem to be ready, since she is asking thoughtful questions, and she’s asking you, because she trusts you. And if you don’t feel as ready as she is, you seem to have found a place that can help you. Are there classes for parents at the church? If not, that’s a great thing to bring to the minister: ask for help in the spiritual aspects of parenting—which might not only be about talking to your children, but also about dealing with death, yourselves. You’ll not only be better prepared for whatever your kids are dealing with, but you'll also be better prepared for the spiritual challenges of your own lives.

There’s one more reason to be open to conversations with your kids when they’re developmentally ready, and not put them off until later. When children pick up on your reluctance to talk about something difficult (and they do pick up on it), the message they get isn’t “You aren’t ready for this, child” (they know they are), but rather, “You can’t talk to us about this.” And they will remember that and avoid the subject with you to protect your feelings. So if you’re not ready, Bummed Mom, please do all you can to be less bummed, or at least, able to hang in there no matter how you’re feeling. Your meeting with the minister is a great place to begin.

Wishing you well,

Isabel

Next month: We thought we agreed on how to raise our kids, but my mother-in-law’s religion is already having an unwanted impact–before the first one is even born.