This Kid Won't Be Catholic . . . Right?

Dear Isabel,

My wife comes from a very traditionally (I’d say rigidly) Catholic family. I don’t believe in any of that, and I told her that early in our relationship. In fact, she agrees. We are pretty simpatico about our religious views, and that agreement is important to us both.

Now we are talking about how we want to raise our children, because we’re expecting our first. At first “Ella” said that even though she doesn’t believe in anything baptism stands for, she wants to baptize our child because it will make her parents happy, especially her mother. I’m actually okay with that, too. I wouldn’t say this to my mother-in-law, but in my opinion sprinkling some water on the baby and saying some words won’t do any harm, so if it makes her happy . . .

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But after a conversation with her mother about what happens after that, Ella has started saying our kid needs real godparents and a Catholic education. This is a big change, and she says she’s only doing it to make her mother happy.

I know it’s a long way off and I should just be happy about our baby and not think ahead to First Communion and all that nonsense (sorry, that’s how I feel), but it’s really affecting me and my relationship with Ella. How long are we going to play along just to make her mother think we’re raising our child to be Catholic, when we really don’t want to? We have to tell her our own views sooner or later, and I’d rather do it sooner. Am I creating trouble?

No Crucifixes, Please

Dear No Crucifixes,

I think your instinct is right. This is, at bottom, not a religious problem. This is a problem between Ella and her mother, and so it’s a problem between Ella and you. And, like all interfering-grandparents problems, it isn’t going to stop with godparents or First Communion. You will have to draw the line with your mother-in-law (and anyone else who tries to overrule your parenting decisions), so I strongly advise you to draw it where you and Ella really want to, and not kick this problem down the road. If the line is at godparents, say so. If it’s at catechism classes, say that.

The burden ultimately falls to Ella, because it’s her mother who is pressuring her to abandon her own principles. You can help by offering to support and strengthen her. Would Ella appreciate it if she could practice with you playing her mother? Ella can say, “I know you’re disappointed, Mom, but this is our decision and it’s how we’re doing it.” Repeat calmly through any response. If the response turns to threats or other escalations, another good thing for her to say is “This conversation isn’t productive, so we’re done talking about this topic.” Future attempts by Mom to raise the topic of religion?: “Remember, Mom, we’re not discussing that.” End conversation entirely if Mom refuses to change the subject.

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You can also support her when it comes time for those real conversations. Ask her if she wants you to be there and squeeze her hand, or maybe she’d like you to say, “Ella said this topic is out of bounds. Now, let’s talk about where we’re going to take you and Dad to dinner.”

Ella may benefit from a good therapist, especially one trained in family dynamics, because she didn’t get to this point without a lot of training in how to surrender her will to her mother’s, and it takes work to unlearn that. Your patient support for who she wants to be and how she wants to raise this child with you can help.

Wishing you well,

Isabel

Next time: I grew up Protestant, but I am still so confused about what all the denominations are about. Lutheran, Baptist, Methodist, etc. -- aren’t they all Protestant? Help!