Hypocrisy is a Dirty Word

Dear Isabel,

I’m an atheist, and sometimes I just go along with prayer or a religious ceremony for the sake of other people, people who do believe. Is this hypocritical? Do other atheists do this?

--Hope I’m Not a Hypocrite

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Dear Hope,

I can answer your second question: yes, sure atheists sometimes go along with prayers and other religious actions in public. Your first question, though, is something I can’t answer. There are too many nuances to say “Yes, this is hypocritical,” or “No, it’s fine.” So much depends on the ritual you’re participating in and the social context.

Can we look at what hypocrisy is for a minute? It’s pretending to be other than you are or to believe something you don’t. The strong implication is that someone who is hypocritical is trying to gain something by deceit. If you’re not trying to gain something for yourself, but are focused on making a situation better for others, maybe that puts your actions in the category of polite lies (such as telling your host “It was a lovely party,” when in reality, you were bored out of your skull).

So here’s an example that might happen to you (though I hope not). You and others are in the hospital room of someone who is gravely ill, and one of the others says, “Let’s take a moment to pray” and holds out their hands. Everyone else is holding hands in a circle around the bed, and the praying means nothing to you, but you do want to express your care for the sick person and you don’t want to start a theological argument when everyone is so distressed. Is this the kind of situation you mean?

Does it help to remember this?: While we’re apt to look at a gathering of people joined in prayer and assume they are all thinking and feeling the same things, that is almost never true. One of the people in that circle is communing with their creator. Another is overwhelmed with sorrow and finding comfort in the squeeze of others’ hands. Another is so distracted by a back spasm that they’re barely able to think about the loved one in the bed. Another is privately saying, “God, just don’t let me get this illness.” If yet another is thinking, “Prayer is hogwash, but I sure do love my sick friend and hope they’ll recover against all the odds,” is that person being somehow more hypocritical than the others? Maybe none of them is being hypocritical. They are just human beings bringing all their complex experiences to one of life’s crises, and they mean as many different things by holding hands and holding a few moments of silence as there are people in the circle.

Some people firmly believe that we should be honest at all times, or at least never utter an untruth. These good folks won’t say the party was lovely. They’ll say “Thank you so much for inviting me”--since their gratitude for being included is sincere—and not a word more. If you admire this stance, by all means find a polite way to excuse yourself from the ritual that’s underway. If you can express your common ground with the people there, so much the better—maybe you touch the sick person’s hand, whisper “I love you,” and tell the others, “I need to sit quietly by myself.”

Some situations are less intense, of course. Maybe it’s the prayer before a city council meeting to which you don’t want to say “Amen.” I can’t tell you what integrity looks like to you. I would just advise you to consider what is truly important to you in that moment (to be honest? to be kind? to express solidarity?) and honor that.

Wishing you well,

Isabel

Next time (August 4, 2026): I thought we weren’t going to raise our child to be either Jewish (my background) or Christian (my spouse’s) since neither of us believes in the faiths of our ancestors. But now my spouse is saying a traditional Christmas is essential to a happy childhood.