Christmas without Christianity? Bah, Humbug!

Dear Isabel,

My spouse and I have a baby on the way, our first. I thought we weren’t going to raise our child to be either Jewish (my background) or Christian (my spouse’s) since neither of us believes in the faiths of our ancestors. But lately we’ve been dreaming aloud together about what it will be like raising our child, and my spouse surprised me the other day by fantasizing about a traditional Christmas: Christmas tree, wreath, carols, presents on Christmas morning. I said I thought we weren’t going to raise our child to be Christian,and my spouse said of course we weren’t, but their childhood memories were full of happy Christmases and they wanted the same for our child. This feels really weird to me. Sure, Christmas trees and presents are nice. But there are lots of ways to have a happy childhood without them—and why would we celebrate Christmas if we’re not Christian? I thought we were on the same page about religion, but now I’m shaken.

—Feeling Like Scrooge

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Dear Scrooge,

To answer your last question, it’s been my observation that people celebrate Christmas for lots of reasons. For some people, it’s a deeply meaningful religious holiday, and for others, it’s about giving gifts and hearing familiar songs. It sounds like for your spouse, it’s tied up with happy memories rather than with particular beliefs. For them, “I want my child to have a Christmas tree” doesn’t mean “I want my child to be a Christian.”

I understand that hearing that Christmas meant a lot to them is a somewhat scary realization for you. Parenthood will probably reveal a lot of subtle differences between you, and also the ways in which you are fundamentally aligned.

Can you take this as an opportunity to have a conversation about your childhoods? What you each do and don’t want to carry forward from your parents and grandparents, and why? What you want for your child, broadly speaking?

It’s worth exploring whether what your spouse really wants your child to have is a Christmas tree, or what underlies it: coziness, say, or tradition, or good smells and good food, or a fire in the fireplace on a snowy morning. But it’s not just about your spouse. I’m sure you, too, have dreams for your child, and the two of you can learn a lot about yourselves and each other by talking about those dreams and gently sorting out what’s the essential element of those dreams.

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It’s possible that once you know what is really important to your spouse, the question of “to Christmas or not to Christmas?” will become much less important to one or both of you. No promises. But see what happens when you each set down your assumptions about what “being Jewish” or “being Christian” means (much less “celebrating Christmas”), and just learn about each other.

And congratulations on the little one!

Wishing you well,

Isabel

Next time (August 18, 2026): My roommate and I are having an argument. I say good people are rewarded with heaven and bad people are punished with hell. He says if we’re only good to get a reward, or to avoid punishment, we’re not really being good. What do you think?