A Delicate Matter
Like many of my articles, the conversation starts among real people. Real Christians. Godly men and women I know and admire. Friends, family, and neighbors.
The modesty conversation (a quick read here) rolled into the body hair conversation (that will be next week’s article) rolled into the most elusive conversation among Christians…SEX.
More specifically, sex in our own bedrooms. A conversation that treads carefully as we as Christians know we are not to disclose intimate details for the marital bed is a most sacred place.
Perhaps that is why we, as Christians, avoid it entirely.
The problem is that there is an illness in the heart of the church. One that cannot be seen from the surface, one that has been silently, subtly spreading inside, and I soon feel it is ready to break through the body. An infection craving sunlight.
A truly delicate, private matter needs to be discussed with urgency, brothers and sisters…
After the discussion of sex among my own community, I reached out to multiple mentors, and then I stumbled on an interesting Reddit thread. I wanted to get a pulse on the matter. Throughout this week, I have been diligently researching, praying, pondering, and studying what God’s word says about the martial bed.
Let me start by giving you an idea of what Christians are saying about sex.
I. WAS. STUNNED.
“It’s between me and my spouse. It’s no one else’s business.”
“I will do anything to keep my husband faithful. If I don’t do [explicit sex acts] he may go elsewhere.”
“Porn is okay if both consent and you watch it together. It’s only a sin if you are watching it alone in secret.”
“If both the husband and wife consent to [explicit sex act], then there really is no problem with it.”
“How is this different from homosexuality? I mean, as long as they are married and consent.”
“Having sex on my period is a freebie for us. It means we definitely won’t get pregnant.”
“I mean, it’s okay for one person to get pleasured and not the other. I think it shows they’re selfless.”
“Yeah, I think it’s okay if a man orgasms outside the wife to avoid pregnancy. And I think it’s okay if he orgasms without any vaginal penetration too.”
“The Bible says, ‘love your neighbor as yourself’, and that means pleasing your husband in the bedroom.”
“1 Cor 7:5 says not to deny one another. So saying ‘no’ would actually be the sin.”
“I really like doing [explicit sex act], and I don’t feel convicted it’s wrong if it’s with my spouse.”
“We can do anything in the bedroom because God makes it holy as soon as you’re married.”
There are so many more, I could keep going. But I’m exhausted by how far we’ve strayed as Christians. Further, I’ve had a hard time finding Christians that are calling out this sin, but here are some good points I’ve heard and found in my research….
“Does marriage make you exempt from sin?”
“I don't see how consent magically makes sexual immorality moral.”
“Not all sex in marriage is good. Sexual addiction, even if it doesn't become adultery or porn use, can harm the marriage bed.”
“Just because you’re okay with [explicit sex act], doesn’t mean your husband is not leading you to sin.”
“We’re creative beings, so we’ll always be coming up with new sex acts and new loopholes to whatever rules the Bible gives us.”
“I’m concerned how many responses are divining an elaborate rule book on this, particularly when Scripture speaks about the specifics of sexual acts so rarely and obscurely. I wouldn’t want to have any sort of sex with my spouse and justify it because in marriage, anything goes.”
“The Church’s reasoning comes from inferring the intended purpose of each body part and using them accordingly.”
“Sex is a gift from God, that’s why he created organs specifically made for it. The anus and the mouth are no such organs.”
“How little do people have to respect their significant other to shame them in such a manner? To pervert the normal functions of your organs for sexual gratification. How can you love someone and defile them in such a way? How little do you respect her to profane her body like that?”
Let me specify some sex acts that I have found Christians stamp permissible…
(graphic advisory)
Sex during menstruation
Pleasing of genitals by mouth
Male orgasms without vaginal penetration
Pulling out as to avoid orgasm inside the vagina
Porn in the bedroom
Threesomes (as long as the opposite gender spouse does not have sex with the third person)
Lingerie, costumes, and role play
Sex toys
Oral and topical medications to promote more intense stimulation
Anal sex
Masturbation (alone or together)
*Update: I recently saw here on Substack, a Christian woman criticizing another Christian woman for denouncing a husband taking naked photos of his wife. What good could those photos be used for?
The Devil in the Bedroom
You likely checked off at least one of those sex acts if not multiple that you partake in when in the bedroom with your spouse. Maybe you even thought to yourself, “Whoa, what’s wrong with that one?”
Even I have a hard time admitting some sex acts that are pleasurable to me or my husband are sinful. We as Christians ought to know, just because it feels good, doesn’t make it good. There are a whole lot of things out there that feel good, that we know we’re not to partake in. I love the way alcohol makes me feel, but I also know that drunkenness is sin.
That’s how Satan works, ya’ll.
We can say it until we’re blue in the face. Consent among a husband and wife, doesn’t make it not a sin. Avoiding talking about this among trusted brothers and sisters in Christ doesn’t make it not a sin. Yes, it’s private, and intimate details should be kept between husband and wife, but nothing is hidden from God. Not even in the bedroom.
When the bedroom door locks, God doesn’t blush and exit the room to give you your privacy.
Nor does Satan.
Satan is there. He’s watching, tempting, and manipulating. If you allow him.
But if you vow with one another to make the marital bed holy, God will protect your union.
And let me tell you, it changes everything…
Sex with your spouse should be a slow, delicate climb. The goal is not individual pleasure, but instead a mutual entanglement of two bodies that become one whole. For a brief moment, you both leave the world, taste the sweetest fruits of heaven itself, and float back down to earth. Leaving you both feeling God was surely there in the midst of it all.
When both are saved…
Before my husband and I were saved, our marriage was merely a contract, our love was lust, and sex was transactional. We partook in MANY of those sex acts listed above. Many that I had convinced myself were normal and thought I had to do to be a good wife. Many my husband expected because that was what Playboy magazines, movie and television, pornography, strip clubs and the world had taught him from a young age.
Now we are both saved. Washed in the blood of Jesus. Born again. Made new. Those dead people are buried. So many of the things we once liked, our preferences, our desires, our hearts, they’ve changed dramatically.
When I was saved a few years ago, I slowly stopped wanting to do certain things in the bedroom. It is terribly difficult as a man’s wife to stand on God’s convictions and to obey Him directly. It’s challenging when God convicts your heart before He convicts your husband’s. It’s much easier to submit to your husband’s request and to keep him happy. But at what costs?
Once my husband was saved, I noticed he stopped asking for those things. I’ve wondered for some time if it was because he felt guilty now that he was a saved man, or did he secretly wish I’d offer to bring back some of those sex acts.
As a part of my research for this article, I mustered up the courage to ask him, fully expecting him to admit he wishes our sex life was the way it used to be.
He paused for a moment to think about the question I’d asked. What he said about made me cry…
“Casey, we never needed all those things.”
“Are you sure?” I pressed.
With a flirtatious look, he ended the conversation with, “Honey, as long as you’re happy, I’m happy.”
That’s the thing Satan doesn’t want you both to discover. My husband was so right. We never needed all that extra stuff. We had been piling on sex acts to cover up something that was broken. When we invited God into our bedroom, all the extra stuff was stripped away, and intimacy became something out of the Canticles. It became God’s love in the one flesh of two people.
Canticle of Canticles
In my research, I found that Song of Songs is one of the most twisted books of the Bible. Some saying it is all about kinky sex acts. Other Christians watering it down to not be about sex at all. I won’t get super deep into scripture, nor turn this into a study of Canticles, as I’ll leave that to the great preachers.
Charles Spurgeon preached 59 sermons on this book and Bernard of Clairvaux (1090-1153AD) preached 86 sermons on chapters one and two alone. Rabbi Aqiba, an early Jewish commentator on Song of Solomon, said this, “All the Scriptures, indeed, are holy… but the Song of Songs is the Holy of Holies.”
Romance was God’s idea. Therefore, it is good.
Conclusion
It's funny, because I have been slowly, steadily reading through the early church. As I was researching, feeling a bit confused, maybe discouraged after reading the Reddit thread, I paused and prayed a little prayer…
“God, show me the answer that blows around like a wind in my heart.”
I reached for my Bible that already sat open to 1 Cor 5.
God is so funny. I continued to read through 1 Cor 7.
Well, there you go.
Further, Hebrews 13:4 tells us that the marriage bed – understood as the place of sexual relations in marriage – is undefiled and should be honored by all.
No one outside the husband and wife are to enter it.
Pornography, erotic novels and sexually explicit movies, role playing and costumes, sex toys, even fantasizing about someone else, is considered bringing a third person into the bedroom.
Be cautious of allowing infants and children to disrupt your spouse's place in the bed.
Be mindful not to neglect your spouse. This does not mean giving in to all their desires. Instead, be open to their need for intimacy. This also means to be mindful of your appearance and attitude.
Do not use sex to manipulate your spouse. By getting what you want or punishing the other in anger.
Communicate your convictions to your spouse. A Godly man will not enjoy sex with his wife if he knew that she felt uncomfortable.
Submission is not an excuse to do whatever your husband desires. Direct obedience to God always trumps your spouse’s happiness.
Details of the marital bed are not to be boasted about. However, wise Christian council sought out in private to resolve an issue is permissible.
Sex is not just a physical act. The goal should be to maintain a true, necessary connection with your spouse.
Deprogram yourself from the worldly view of sex. Pray and ask God to show you where you’re missing the mark in the marital bed.
Kick Satan out of your bedroom. Ask God to protect this holy of holy places.
Do you think anything goes in the marital bed so long as it’s consensual?
~Casey
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